Jacky S - Suburban Souls, Book I

“Clara thinks that Jacky should see more of Lilian if possible, as he cannot expect her to be heart and soul with him, unless she feels his presence or caresses often. She thinks Lilian is ready to love him, but is a little wavering, or not quite sure how it will end with her. Lilian will be like herself, and give her whole being entirely to her lover, only feeling real pleasure when in his arms, making him take pleasure sheathed within her.

“Clara also thinks that although Lilian's mother says 'No' to a present or two offered to the daughter, she does not mean what she says. Besides, every true woman likes gifts from the man she loves.”

No better example of the nature of Lord Fontarcy's liberal ideas can be given than the following extract from one of Clara's letters to me:

“… Perhaps Lily would be benefited by the experience Clara went through with an elderly admirer of hers. She met him at a country house and was left alone with him, her host returning to town in the evening. His feelings ran away with him, but servants coming into the room kept his overflowing attentions in check.

“He asked her to meet him in town. An opportunity occurred to take him to certain chambers, where Clara and another could have a little amusement out of him. Clara made up a little tale about an uncle having gone away and left his chambers to be looked after. The other (Lord Fontarcy) was locked in an inner room, with his eyes to a convenient hole to witness operations.

“Clara went out, met her senile suitor, and brought him to the rooms, feeling very loth to display herself before the one she loved with another man, but there was no drawing back, and she had to do violence to her own feelings.

“When he was in the room, he at once tried the locked door, and Clara had a fit in case he discovered who was inside.

“After his inspection of the premises, he produced a French letter and suggested that he should commence at once. He got on her, and pushed and poked about, but the more he did so, the smaller his affair began to get, when he thought that if Clara knelt up, he might do it by the back way-dog fashion-but alas! that did not succeed. Clara did not even feel the tip of his member.

“He then said the letter pinched all the stiffness out of him and that he was too excited. Finally, he got atop of her again, and, working up his organ with his own hand, managed to spend all over Clara's new drawers, which she had put on for the occasion.

“At which she blessed him, and he went away with the idea that he had still a maidenhead to take on the morrow, when he suggested meeting again.

“Clara retired into the locked room to find consolation, feeling as if she had taken part in a battle.

“Clara must end this long scrawl by saying that she hopes the reader will find in Lilian all he wishes and would like to know his plans for her.”

LILIAN TO JACKY.

(No place or date.) Received at Lamalou. July 7, 1898.

My best beloved master,

I want you to have this scribble tomorrow evening when you arrive, but for that I should have to post it tonight and I cannot do so.

Anyhow, you will get it on Thursday morning for certain, and I hope you will feel less lonely. It is true you have your good and faithful Smike, but that is not the same thing as if your Lilian was with you.

I am so sad at the idea of your departure. It seems as if you will forget me during these three weeks.

I hate your doctor who separates us thus cruelly. How I should like to be near you! Thus I should prove to you that I could never be dull at your side, because I love you.

I care naught for the pleasures that you tell me are necessary at my age, for all that is false and superfluous. True happiness, after all, is to love and be loved and naturally give proofs of affection.

If you choose to try me, I venture to say in advance that you will be tired before I shall, although I would do all in my power to sweeten your life.

Would it not be delicious, say, my sweet Daddy, to be always together, never to part?

But I am mad, for I am not lucky enough to have the supreme joy to feel myself yours, entirely belonging to you and to be able to say to myself that nothing in this world would ever separate us again.

You find yourself too old for me, but do you not know, my well-beloved, that if you are proud to have inspired a passion like mine, I, on my part, am doubly proud to have been chosen by a man who knows what life is, and has been able to appreciate it as you have.

I am a little fool, but I only ask to know all, to learn all from you. How stupid I must appear to you!

I see that to be loved, a woman should never let the love she feels be seen, but some unknown force within me drives me to tell all that passes through my brain like the silly thing that I am.

Now all marriage with another becomes impossible. It would be a martyrdom of every instant for me. Never could I make up my mind to be even brushed against by any other man. There now, see what yon have done, my dear and adored master.

I kiss you everywhere where it will please you the most.

Your slave,

LILIAN.

A caress for Smike.

LILIAN TO JACKY.

Received July 8, 1898

Only just a line to let my own darling know that his slave is continually thinking about him. How I envy Smike, he is always with you and can by a thousand little ways prove his love for you.

Besides, I am sure you really love him, whilst I am not quite so sure that you care for your naughty girl.

As you are away for your health, do not trouble to write too often; you must not tire yourself, but simply take life easy, and come back to your Lilian quite strong, never to leave her any more.

I hope you found everything as you wished it to be at the hotel. Is everyone very kind to you?

How I should love to be down there, nursing and taking care of you!

I am anxiously looking forward to the end of the month, when you will be back again quite well and strong.

We have nice weather here; I trust you also have it fine. Hotel life is so trying, it would be dreadful if you had to keep to your room on account of the weather.

If you are not too tired to write, tell me all you do and how you like everything.

A most passionate kiss for my master and a caress for lucky Smike.

LILIAN.

LILIAN TO JACKY.

Received July 9, 1898.

My adored master,

I have not been able to go to Paris yet and nevertheless something tells me that there is a note awaiting me. I shall go tomorrow morning, for I have several little errands, and I shall profit by them to go and fetch what I am sure is there.

I am impatient to have news of you, to know what you are doing, if you are not too much bored and above all if your health is good.

In all my letters, I can only tell you and tell you again one simple thing: I am horribly wearied. At this moment, life is a burden; I feel so lonely and so sad. My existence is incomplete, something is wanting and that something is you.

We have beautiful weather still, a little stormy, which gives me very naughty ideas.

If my beloved little Papa were here, I know what his pet daughter would do to him.

I am dying to see your darling features again, your dear face that I dote to gaze upon, but I have still a long time to wait-nineteen interminable days. I think I shall devour you when we meet again.

Now I must leave you. My big Blackamoor is waiting to take his daily bath, and Father is calling.

I kiss you with mouth, tongue, and lips, as you love to be kissed.

LILIAN TO JACKY.

Telegram, received July 10, 1898.

Lilian feels loving.

LILIAN.

LILIAN TO JACKY.

Received July 11, 1898.

It is useless, well-beloved master, to try to dissuade me from the resolution I have taken with regard to marriage. After having seriously reflected on the consequences, I have taken this determination. If I get married it will be with you and with no one else. Please note, however, that I do not wish in any way to make you think that it is your duty to marry me; my thoughts are quite different. I only want to make you understand once and for all that any union where you are not concerned is impossible for me. Think what a martyrdom of every moment it would be, and then my nature is too loyal to allow me to play a part. In spite of myself, I always let my feelings be seen. Being thus, there is no remedy. One must take me or leave me. You, my only lover and adored Papa, must decide my fate.