Энн Файн - The Return Of The Killer Cat

The only problem was the endless yelling from next door.

Tuffee! Tufff- eeee ! Where ARE you?’

Melanie settled me back down comfortably in the straw basket, and stood on tiptoe to peep over the hedge.

‘The vicar’s still looking,’ she told me sadly. ‘Poor Tuffy! He’s still missing. I hope, wherever he is, he’s warm and dry and comfy and well fed.’

I purred.

She turned back. ‘Oh, Janet! I’m so glad to have you.’

She squeezed me so tight, I gave a little warning yowl. Not a smart noise to make, just over the hedge from someone looking for a cat.

His head appeared. ‘You’ve found him!’

I stayed well down in the basket.

Melanie’s kind, but she’s not bright. ‘Who?’

‘Tuffy!’

‘No. That was my own cat yowling. That was Janet.’

‘ Janet? ’

‘She was a gift.’

I’m glad that Melanie didn’t say ‘A gift from heaven’. That would have made him even more suspicious. As it was, he narrowed his eyes at me.

Disguise! I thought, and simpered in my basket.

The bonnet and nightie obviously confused him a little, but he did have a go. ‘His face looks very like Tuffy’s.’

I purred in a friendly fashion.

‘But Tuffy never made a noise like that.’

(No. Not in your presence, Buster!)

The vicar’s eyes gleamed. ‘Melanie,’ he said. ‘Do you mind if I do one tiny little test to assure myself it’s not Tuffy?’

He came through the gate, and picked me up.

Talk about tests! Some have to walk through fire. Others are sent on seven-year-long voyages. Some have to go and make fortunes. Others kill dragons, or set off to find the Holy Grail.

Nobody’s ever had a test like this.

He scooped me out of the basket.

He held me up.

He looked me in the eyes. (I didn’t blink.)

He said, ‘Nice pussy! Pretty, pretty, pussy!’

He said, ‘Sweet, sweet pussy!’

He said, ‘Who’s a clever little girl pussy, then?’

And all I did was purr.

He put me back in the basket.

‘You’re right,’ he said to Melanie. ‘It isn’t Tuffy And I can’t think why I ever thought it was in the first place.’

Phew!

More cream. More tuna. Here we come!

9: Rumbled

GO ON. Admit it. You wouldn’t have gone home either. You would have stayed the whole week, just like I did, stuffing your face and getting fatter and fatter.

By Saturday night, I was as big as a barrel. There were splits down the sides of my seams. I was bulging out of the nightie.

And that’s when the gang came looking for me.

They peeped in the basket.

‘Tuffy? Tuffy, is that you?’

I was a bit embarrassed. I disguised my voice.

‘No,’ I explained. Tm Janet. Tuffy’s cousin.’

Bella stared at the fur bulges bursting through the nightie.

‘So what happened to Tuff? Did you eat him?’

I gave her the blink. ‘No.’

‘So where is he?’

I shrugged. Maybe it was the most energetic thing I’d done in nearly a week. Anyhow, the seam of the nightie split, and a whole lot more of my bulges fell out at the sides.

‘Doing a striptease, are you?’ Pusskins said, then added rudely, ‘Fatso!’

That set them all off.

‘Furball!’

Tub o’ lard!’

I narrowed my eyes. I made the tiniest little noise. The tiniest .

Everyone said afterwards that I was the one who started it. But I wasn’t. It was hardly a hiss at all. It was more like a purr really.

I blame Bella. She should never have put out her paw and patted me. ‘Come on, guys! Until Tuffy turns up, let’s have fun with this great furry beachball!’

So I thwacked her.

So she thwacked me back.

And that’s how the fight started. It was quite a big flurry, with flying fur and shreds of nightie floating all over. At one point, the bonnet ribbons nearly strangled me, but I wriggled free, and took all three of them on again.

But suddenly, with my disguise in tatters round the lawn, everyone cottoned on.

‘Hey, guys! It is Tuffy after all! It’s Tuffy!’

‘Yo, Tuff! At last!’

‘Found you!’

And that’s the moment Melanie came down the garden, carrying my third meal of the day.

The others stepped back respectfully.

‘Fresh cream!’ sighed Bella.

‘Real tuna!’ Tiger whispered.

‘Lots!’ said Pusskins.

But Melanie didn’t put it down as usual.

‘Tufty,’ she said to me sternly.

‘What have you done with Janet?’

I tried to look all Janety. But, without the lace bonnet and nightie, it didn’t work.

Melanie looked around. And, I admit, if you were expecting to find your precious new pet, it did look a bit bad. Shreds of fur and nightie and bonnet all over.

‘Oh, Tuffy! Tuffy!’ she wailed. ‘You bad, bad cat! You’ve torn Janet to pieces and eaten her! You monstert !’

The others turned and fled and left me to it.

‘You monster, Tuffy! Monster! Monster !’

10: How it ended

SO THAT SORT of explains what all the fuss was about when the car drew up at the roadside, and out spilled the family.

‘Tuff-eee!’ yelled Ellie, catching sight of me through Melanie ‘s open garden gate. She rushed in to greet me. ‘Tuff-eee!’

Then she spotted Melanie, sobbing her eyes out.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Your cat ought to go to prison!’

Melanie shrieked at her. ‘Your cat’s not a cat. Your cat’s a pig . And a beast .

And a murderer !

I went back to trying to look all sweet and Janety.

Ellie’s eyes had gone huge. She looked at me sternly and her eyes filled with tears. ‘Oh, Tuffy!’ she whispered, horrified. ‘What have you done? ’