Энн Файн - The Killer Cat's Birthday Bash

Books by Anne Fine

The Diary of a Killer Cat

The Return of the Killer Cat

The Killer Cat Strikes Back

The Killer Cat’s Birthday Bash

Jennifer’s Diary

Loudmouth Louis

Notso Hotso

Only a Show

The Same Old Story Every Year

Stranger Danger?

The Worst Child I Ever Had

For older readers

A Pack of Liars

Crummy Mummy and Me

Flour Babies

Goggle-Eyes

Madame Doubtfire

Step by Wicked Step

The Tulip Touch

ANNE FINE

The Killer Cat’s

Birthday Bash

Illustrated by Steve Cox

PUFFIN

PUFFIN BOOKS

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3

(a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

(a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi − 110 017, India

Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand

(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

puffinbooks.com

First published 2008

1

Text copyright © Anne Fine, 2008

Illustrations copyright © Steve Cox, 2008

The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted

All rights reserved

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be

reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any

means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written

permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book

978-0-14-191763-4

Contents

1: Not my fault

2: ‘You talkin’ ’bout me?’

3: No dogs

4: Ghosts in the closet

5: When poodles fly

6: Not long now

7: Spooking the horses

8: Here comes Ugly Club

9: Terrifying Beast

10: The very best of shows

1: Not my fault

OKAY, OKAY. SO spank my furry little bum. I held a party.

And, go ahead. Stuff me with sorry pills. It all ended up a bit of a mess.

Well, more than a mess. A disaster.

Well, more than a disaster. A real riot.

But it was not my fault . If Ellie hadn’t got so bored she rooted through the cupboard and found that old photograph album, I would never have known the date of my birthday. None of it would have happened.

So you blame Ellie. Don’t blame me.

2: ‘You talkin’ ’bout me?’

IT WAS A horrible day. Horrible. The rain was splattering against the window panes. The wind was howling. So Ellie lay face down on the rug and flicked over the pages of the album.

‘Oooh, Dad! Here’s one of you the day you tumbled in that muddy ditch.’

(Best place for the man, if you want my opinion.)

‘Oooh, Mum! Come and look at this photo. Your hair looks lovely .’

(On Planet No-Style, maybe. But not here.)

On and on Ellie went, squealing away like that baby mouse Tiger and I gave such a good fright behind the wheelie bin. In the end I decided I couldn’t stand it any more, and made for the door.

Just then she squealed again. ‘Oh, here’s one of Tuffy! Doesn’t he look sweeeeeeeet ?’

I turned to give her one of my ‘you talkin’ ’bout me?’ looks. She didn’t even notice. She was too busy oohing and aahing and fussing and cooing. ‘Oh,

come and look at this, Mum. Tuffy looks so cute !’

I’m not going to hang my head in shame and make excuses for myself. Back then I was a ball of fluff. I was a kitten . Baby kittens are sweet.

Ellie picked out another photo. ‘Oh, look! Tuffy is gorgeous !’

I couldn’t help it; I was curious. So I strolled back to take a look. And sure enough, there was this photo of me, all huge and trusting eyes, and fur around me like a fluffy cloud. I looked like something off one of those soppy birthday cards your great-aunt sends to your mother.

I nearly threw up. But Ellie was pointing to the writing underneath the photo as she read it aloud.

‘ Our enchanting new kitten. Born on 31st October .’

She looked at her mother. ‘It’s October now,’ she said. ‘That means it’s nearly Tuffy’s birthday.’

‘That’s nice,’ said Ellie’s mother.

I thought so too. But Ellie’s father had to introduce a sour note into this warm family moment.

‘31st October?’ he said. ‘Isn’t that Halloween? The time when everything evil and ugly and dangerous crawls out to stalk the land.’ He snorted. ‘A very suitable day indeed for Tuffy’s birthday!’

Rude man. But did I bother to give him the blink? No. I was too busy thinking.

31st October. My birthday, eh?

Then why not hold a party?

Well, why not?

3: No dogs

‘RIGHT,’ BELLA SAID. ‘First we must decide on where we’re holding this birthday bash of yours.’

‘My house, of course,’ I told them.

‘It’s my birthday and my party, so we’ll have it at my house.’

Bella sighed. ‘Have you forgotten what day it’s going to be?’

‘No,’ I said, and couldn’t help turning sarcastic. ‘Unless I just happened to step out tonight without my brain , it’s on 31st October.’

‘That’s right,’ said Bella. ‘And that’s the night your family plans to hold a big Halloween party for everyone on the street.’

‘Really?’ I was astonished. ‘News to me.’ I turned to Tiger. ‘Did you know that?’

‘Sure I knew,’ Tiger told me. ‘This morning I was just sitting minding my own business on the front door mat when the invitation came through the letter box and fell on my head.’ He ran a paw over his fur. ‘I can still feel the lump.’