Энн Файн - The Killer Cat Runs Away

I took a peek round the door and saw Ellie’s mother shaking her head at the pulled threads on her sofa where I like to scratch to keep my claws in trim. ‘Yes,’ she agreed. ‘Homes that are far more suitable than ours.’

‘That’s right,’ said Ellie’s father. ‘We’ll find a home where he’ll be just as happy.’

This is the moment when Ellie always hurls herself face down on the sofa, sobbing and wailing, and threatens to run away if they get rid of me, her precious pet. This is the moment when she’s supposed to shout at them: ‘If you don’t love dear Tuffy enough to keep him, then you don’t love me!’

But there was silence.

Just a long, long silence.

The longest silence ever .

I peered round the door again and couldn’t believe my eyes! Ellie was dashing away her tears and looking hopeful.

‘Really? Another home where Tuffy will be just as happy?’

‘That’s right!’ said Mr I-Never-Did-Like-That-Cat-Anyway.

‘And I could have another pet? A pretty kitten, just like Tinkerbell?’

‘Why not?’

Shall I tell you what I did then? I sat behind the door and waited. And I didn’t just wait. I counted to myself. One, two, three, four . . .

And would you like to know how long it took before Ellie burst into tears again and started sticking up for me?

It took eleven seconds! Can you believe it? Eleven whole seconds before that disloyal child finally remembered who is supposed to be her amazing, precious Tuffy. The Tuffy she even thinks she will be taking to the special ‘My Wonderful Pet’ show in her school hall next Thursday evening. (Ho, ho! She’ll be lucky!) The Tuffy she loves ‘so much and always have and always will, for ever and ever and ever’.

Eleven great long seconds!

What a cheek!

4

One Good Reason to Stay

That night I told the gang, ‘I’m going to run away.’

They all stared. ‘Run away? But why ?’

‘Because I’m not happy at home.’

‘What’s wrong with your home?’ demanded Tiger. ‘The place is warm, isn’t it?’

‘Well, yes,’ I had to admit. ‘The place is warm.’

‘And comfy enough,’ said Bella.

‘Yes, I grant you it’s comfy enough,’ I said reluctantly.

Snowball said, ‘And the grub in your house is very good indeed.’

‘Obviously the grub is good,’ I said, ‘or I wouldn’t still be there.’ I waved an irritable paw. ‘But give me one good reason why I ought to stay.’

‘Apart from the fact that it’s warm, and comfy, and the grub is good?’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Apart from that.’

They all had a good long think. But none of them could come up with a single reason why I ought to stay (apart from the fact that the house is warm and comfy, and the grub is good).

‘Well, there you go,’ I said triumphantly when they had racked their brains. ‘Not one of you can think of anything. So I have no choice but to run away.’

5

A Chapter of Sad Farewells

I went around saying fond farewells to all the things I’ve loved so long.

‘Goodbye, dear Pot Plant,’ I said. ‘I expect that you’ll miss me scratching around in your soil when it’s too cold and wet for me to bother to go outside to do my business.’ I brushed away a tear. ‘And I shall miss you too.’

I went into the kitchen.

‘ Adieu , my beloved Frying Pan,’ I sighed. ‘How many times have I stood beside you on the counter, licking your leftover bacon fat when no one else was about! We have been friends for so long, Frying Pan. But this is the end.’

I went upstairs.

‘This is the parting of the ways,’ I told Alarm Clock. ‘But we have shared so many happy moments. How often I have crept in here by moonlight when Mr I-Must-Not-Be-Late has set you carefully for seven o’clock. How often I have braved his rattling snores to jump on the bedside table and reach out a silent paw to push your ON button to OFF. And how the two of us have enjoyed his desperate shrieks of panic when he wakes late in the morning. Oh, I shall miss you, Alarm Clock!’

I slid under Mr I-Do- Not -Snore-I-Just-Breathe-Heavily’s side of the bed.

‘So long, Bedroom Slippers,’ I said. ‘If I had a single tear for every dead mouse I’ve slipped into your toes to frighten Mr Oh-My-Lord-What’s- This ?, then I could weep a river to say goodbye to you. Please don’t feel lonely and neglected without my little gifts. Goodbye! Goodbye!’

I went downstairs to the piano.

‘ Adios , my musical friend! After today I shall walk up and down your keys no more, making you plink and plunk and driving everyone mad. Our happy hours are over. I’m off into the world, and we shall sadly never finish our masterwork: The Tuffy Piano Concerto for Four Paws .’

I thought it would be nice to leave with that sweet tune still ringing in my ears. So I walked up and down the keys a bit. (I like to stick to the black ones. They sound more plinky-plunky. And every time one of my paws slides off onto a white key, I tend to get a little cross, and stamp.)

‘What is that dreadful noise?’

Whoops! Mr Not-At-All-Musical poked his head round the door. ‘You! Well, you can get off that piano at once!’

He pushed me off. I hate that, so I spun round in the air on my way down and scratched him hard.

‘Yeee- ouch !’

He glared at me, and I glared back at him.

That is one person in this house to whom I won’t be saying any fond farewell.

6

So Spank My Bum

So spank my furry little bum, I didn’t say goodbye to Ellie. I meant to. That’s why I went back up the stairs and into her bedroom. That’s why I jumped up at her side and started to purr in her ear.

Then I saw what she was looking at on her computer screen.

Kittens!

Cute baby fluff-balls. Sweet little winsome things with huge eyes staring out. You wouldn’t believe their names. Sugar-Pie. Binty-Minty. Pansy-Wansy. Prissy-Missy. (Excuse me while I stick a paw down my throat.)

Ellie stopped at the photo of a kitten called Titania. (I ask you! Titania! For a cat !)

‘Look, Tuffy. Isn’t she cute ?’

Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I can’t speak. Because if I could, I would have told young Ellie just what I think of idiotic, brainless balls of fluff that can’t clean their own fur or creep up on anything taking a quick nap in a nest. Why, some of them can’t even find the way to the litter tray on their tenth day.

So it’s a good job I don’t talk. I wouldn’t have liked the last few words that I exchanged with Ellie to be unpleasant.

So I never said goodbye.

7

Dead Mice and Birds? Eee-

yuk

!

Out on the wall, the gang were waiting.

‘So,’ Bella said. ‘You’re really off?’

‘Yes,’ I said proudly. ‘I’m not going to stay where I’m not wanted.’

They were still anxious. ‘But, Tuffy, if no one in Ellie’s family is there to put your food in front of you, what are you going to eat ?’

I had a think. In the end I said, ‘I am a cat, so if I don’t find anything else, there’s always the old traditional stand-by.’

They all looked blank.

‘Dead mice and birds,’ I said.

I don’t think I have ever seen three faces look more disgusted.

‘Dead mice and birds? Eee- yuk !’

‘You’re joking!’

‘What, pick off all that hair and fur and feathers and stuff, and actually eat the things?’

‘Revolting!’

‘Horror-show idea!’

‘Full gross-out!’

‘What a sick plan! You must be off your head.’

‘Listen,’ I said. ‘Dead mice and birds is what cats used to eat.’