AsexualityArchive - Asexuality - A Brief Introduction

Getting laid will fix that.

First of all, there’s nothing to fix because we’re not broken. Secondly, no, no it won’t. I was asexual before I had sex and I’m still asexual now. Many other aces who’ve had sex have had the same experience. Sex wasn’t some super-awesome life-changing milestone that upended my worldview.

The corollary to this misconception is “Getting laid by me will fix that”, which ranks somewhere up around “Know what’d look good on you? Me.” on the list of dumbest ideas ever for pickup lines.

You can’t know for sure unless you’ve had sex.

You don’t have to have sex to know what your sexual orientation is. Most people, when they proceed into puberty (and in some cases, even before then), will naturally start to feel attracted to other people without having to engage in any kind of sexual activity at all. They’ll know that they’re straight or gay or bi or what have you and they typically don’t have to hold try-outs to know which team they play for. Asexual people are the same way. They’ll know that they don’t feel that spark of sexual attraction, that they’re somehow not straight or not gay, that they’re different from everyone else, and they don’t need to have sex to confirm it.

I’m virtually certain that had I known what asexuality was before I had sex, I would have identified that way without needing sex to be certain. As it was, I didn’t learn about asexuality for years after I had sex, but I knew that I was different.

Asexual people don’t/can’t masturbate.

In general, asexuals can masturbate and many do. Asexuals generally don’t have impaired genital function, which means the parts typically work, and when the parts work, they can feel good to use. Aces who masturbate will do so for reasons ranging from relieving tension to wanting the pleasure of an orgasm. Of course, masturbation is a personal choice, and while many asexual people will masturbate, many do not.

I masturbate fairly regularly.

All asexuals are virgins.

Nope, sorry. I had my v-card punched years ago. Many other asexuals have also had sex. Some have regular sexual partners, some are parents. There’s no virginity requirement for being asexual, just as there’s no loss of virginity requirement for being heterosexual.

Asexuals are hermaphrodites.

Being intersex is completely unrelated to asexuality. The various conditions grouped under the umbrella of “intersex” are all physical conditions. Asexuality is not physical. However, it is possible for an intersex person to be asexual.

(By the way, the word “hermaphrodite” is generally considered offensive, so don’t say that.)

Asexuality is the same as being a transsexual or transgender.

Asexuality is not a gender identity issue. Most aces are cis-gendered, but some are trans, others are agendered, genderfluid, or what have you. Asexuality only describes who someone is sexually attracted to (namely, no one), and has nothing to do with the gender they are.

I happen to be a cis-gendered male.

Asexuals just haven’t met the right person yet.

This assertion offends many asexuals. They’ve seen thousands upon thousands of people in their life and have not been sexually attracted to any of them. This claim acts to invalidate and deny a part of their core identity. It’s a bit like going up to a heterosexual male and saying “You could really be gay, you know. Maybe you just haven’t met the right man yet. Keep trying, you’ll find him someday.”

Everyone feels like that sometimes.

I know that non-asexual people don’t walk around in an endless horny cloud of lust all day, every day, and that everyone feels like this sometimes . But I feel like this all the time . I’ve never found anyone attractive. I don’t know what it’s like to think that someone’s hot. I’ve never passed a woman on the street and had my mind start turning through all the things I’d like to do with her in bed. I don’t relate to the manifestations of sexual attraction that I see around me every day.

Ever.

And that’s what makes me different. That’s what makes me asexual.

Asexuals are really just gays in denial.

Homosexual people are sexually attracted toward people of the same sex. Asexual people are not sexually attracted to either sex. Asexual people are not hiding their attraction, they simply do not have any attraction to hide.

I have never felt any attraction, sexual or romantic, toward other men.

Asexual people are just afraid of sex or are disgusted by sex.

Some asexuals are afraid of or are disgusted by sex. Some non-asexual people are, too. Such feelings are not tied to one’s sexual orientation. There are also many asexuals who don’t mind sex. They’ve had sex or are open to the idea of having sex in the right situation. I’m in this latter group. I’ve done it before and I’d be willing to do it again in the right situation.

Asexual people are victims of some sexual trauma in their past.

The vast majority of asexual people have never had any kind of sexual trauma. Most asexuals will be highly offended by someone trying to pin their lack of sexual attraction on some sort of unspoken, possibly repressed event. And if they are victims of some past trauma, they’re generally not going to appreciate it when you bring it up and try to use it to invalidate their identity.

They have a pill that’ll fix that.

They have pills that’ll fix physical ailments, such as hormonal imbalances or blood flow issues. Asexuality is not a physical ailment. There’s no pill that’ll make an asexual start experiencing sexual attraction. It would be like there being a pill that would turn a gay person straight.

Asexuality is caused by a brain tumor.

Hour-long medical procedural TV shows should not be considered reliable sources regarding sexual orientations. Moving on…

Asexuals don’t/can’t have orgasms.

The majority of asexuals have typical, fully functioning sexual organs. This means that the majority of asexuals have the capacity to orgasm. Many asexuals do have orgasms, and often enjoy them. Certainly not all asexuals have had orgasms, and some do not have fully functioning sexual organs, however, those cases are not due to asexuality. Asexuality is only a description of sexual orientation, and in no way attempts to describe sexual ability.

I do have orgasms and I like them.

Asexuals are all homophobes.

This is categorically false. The vast majority of asexuals are LGBT+ friendly. There is absolutely nothing inherent in asexuality that minimizes, dismisses, invalidates, passes judgment on, or attacks homosexuality in any way. Asexuality is another sexual orientation that coexists alongside every other sexual orientation.

Asexuals are all super-religious and against sex.

Asexuality has nothing to do with one’s religious beliefs. Asexuality is not a form of abstinence, it’s not the result of a purity pledge, and it’s not that we’re “saving ourselves”. It’s equally possible for an asexual person to be a hardcore born-again no-sex-til-marriage brand of Christian as it is for an asexual person to be an atheist who enjoys casual sex with strangers on the weekends.

Asexuals all hate sex and everyone who has sex.

Asexuality should not be confused with antisexuality. Most asexuals have no problem with sex. Some don’t like the idea of sex when it comes to themselves, but are typically indifferent when it comes to other people. Some even enjoy having sex. Asexuality is merely a sexual orientation, it doesn’t have any effect one’s opinion on sexual activity.