Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

The major molecules that make skunk spray smell are sulfur compounds. It is a common belief that tomato juice removes the smell, but there is no scientific evidence to support this claim. The tomato juice probably just tricks the nose into not recognizing the skunk smell through the overpowering red gravy scent. One recommended treatment for pets is one quart 3-percent hydrogen peroxide, one cup baking soda, and one teaspoon mild dishwashing detergent. People can try the same, but be careful; the peroxide can have a bleaching effect.

Parsley was used in the past in medicinal recipes for cure-alls, general tonics, poison antidotes, and kidney and bladder stone relief. Parsley is rich in vitamins and minerals, particularly vitamins A and C. It is also said to be rich in antioxidants. Parsley also can relieve bad breath, although there are no medical studies linking it to halitosis. It is good to note that there are two varieties of parsley: curly-leafed and flat-leafed, which has the stronger flavor. Therefore, the flat-leaf kind is better to cure your chili dog breath.

There doesn’t appear to be a great deal of research on the role of milk as a sleep aid. Milk is certainly a simpler alternative to prescription sleeping pills or drinking so much you just pass out, and there are several theories as to why it might work. Milk contains tryptophan, the same ingredient that makes everyone sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner (see food coma question on page 44). The warmth of the milk can have a minimal effect on your body temperature and sometimes make sleep a little easier. Milk also contains melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid. One company, Night Time Milk in England, even sells milk from cows milked at night when the melatonin is increased. The milk is marketed as a sleep aid, proving that people will buy anything today.

Eloise,with her wounds cleaned and dressed, is back in business and is refreshing glasses and making small talk. Leyner appears wounded from his laboratory mishap and is quietly sitting cross-legged in the corner, sullenly nursing the dregs of his bottle of tequila. I’ve never condoned casual drug use, but I almost feel compelled to spike the punch bowl with a strong sedative and sneak out to find my way home. I resist this evil urge and feel better until I am confronted again by the indefatigable but once fat guy Jeremy Burns.

Jeremy, aside from his Atkins obsession, has never grown out of his penchant for fraternity hijinks. Eloise offers him one of her signature frozen daquiris, but Jeremy only wants a Jell-O shot, a beer bong, or some Ecstasy. Eloise turns her nose up at his boorish request, and he turns to me to plead for a prescription for some medical-grade marijuana. I explain to him that prescription pot is not available in New York, and that I wouldn’t give it to him anyway.

Jeremy is not ready to give up and asks, “Then can you get me any of that shit that Rush Limbaugh takes?”

“OxyContin,” I reply.

“Yeah, yeah,” he says. “Oh and also some of that stuff that Matthew Perry and Brett Favre do.”

“Vicodin,” I reply again.

Jeremy says that he already has plenty of Vicodin and asks if maybe I can just get him a little ketamine.

I am becoming exasperated and I realize that I have an opening. “Jeremy, you know that ketamine is a potent horse tranquilizer… and that guy over there is a veterinarian,” I say, pointing to a portly, balding gentleman in the next room.

Jeremy rushes off, as I breathe a sigh of relief.

With a culture dedicated to the use and abuse of caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and an endless array of illegal substances, questions abound about the safest and quickest ways in which we can intoxicate ourselves and how to avoid the dreaded hangover.

This one isn’t all that clear. Or maybe it’s because of those drinks we just had.

The biggest problem with this rhyme is that nobody seems to remember how it goes. As for the science, there is no research to prove or disprove it.

One theory about this little ditty attempts to explain that the carbonation in beer causes increased alcohol absorption. There is no proof that this is true. Nor should you believe that coffee will help you with a hangover or that bread will absorb the alcohol in your system. Only time will cure your pain as you wait for the alcohol to leave your bloodstream.

Intoxication is defined as a blood alcohol level of 100 mg/dL (.10 %). In adults, the level usually falls about 15 to 20 mg/dL per hour. Everyone metabolizes differently, but on average it would take about six to eight hours for you to return to normal from a mild drunken state.

Blood Alcohol Concentration

Symptoms

.02%

light-headed

.05%

mild euphoria

.08%

loss of critical judgment

.10%

lack of coordination and balance

.15%

disorientation

.20%

vomiting

.30%

drunken stupor

.40%

coma

.45 %+

death

Simply put, alcohol causes intoxication, so the more you drink, the sicker you get. It doesn’t have anything to do with the order in which you tend to chug your beer or wine.

As for the dreaded hangover that follows, it is caused mainly by dehydration and interrupted sleep. The sleep and water that will ultimately cure you are not as interesting as some of these famous hangover cures:

1. The Prairie Oyster (olive oil, tablespoon of tomato ketchup, one egg yolk, salt and pepper, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, vinegar or lemon juice)

2. Cold pizza

3. IV fluids (helps to date an M.D. or paramedic)

4. The hair of the dog that bit you (i.e., the blessed Bloody Mary)

5. Vitamins B and C

6. And the most effective, and most expensive, kidney dialysis

If it’s the Jewish holiday Purim and you plan on competing in the Olympics, you may want to think twice before gorging on poppy seed hamantaschen. Eating enough poppy seeds can cause your urine to test positive for opiates. It is difficult to say how many poppy seeds you need to eat to fail your drug test, but some reports have stated that three poppy seed bagels, for example, could generate a positive test result. Pastries and cookies that contain heavy amounts of poppy seeds, like hamantaschen, could also lead to a positive test. There is an additional test that looks for certain chemicals present in heroin that are not present in poppy seeds. So, your athletic future really will depend on the exact test you are taking.

What is the poppy seed — heroin connection? Cultivated poppies are the source of opium, from which morphine and heroin are produced.

Answer: To keep Domino’s and Frito-Lay in business.

Marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug in the United States. The main active chemical in marijuana is THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol), or The High Causer. THC falls in the category of chemicals called cannabinoids.

A study in the April 2001 issue of Nature helps us to better understand how marijuana causes users to have an increased appetite, the famous “munchies.” Molecules called endocannabinoids, marijuanalike chemicals present in our own brain, bind with receptors in the brain and activate hunger. These endocannabinoids in the hypothalamus of the brain then activate cannabinoid receptors that are responsible for maintaining food intake. The chemicals from marijuana bind to these cannabinoid receptors and cause the munchies. Sound complicated? Maybe you’re too stoned to understand. Go eat some cookie dough.