Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

The vestibular system is a complicated network of passageways and chambers within the inner ear, all of which work together to control equilibrium and balance. Inside there are tubes and sacs that contain different fluids, each of which has a different composition. When you are healthy, and both sides of your vestibular system are functioning properly, both sides send symmetrical impulses to the brain. When someone gets very intoxicated, the alcohol changes the density of the blood and this affects the intricate system of balance. That is when the spinning starts. This is very similar to the condition called vertigo.

There is a common serenade in any emergency room. The coarse snore of the regular alcoholic fills the air. Normally, we just ignore it. But sometimes, too much alcohol actually impedes the breathing process. We fix this easily with a short small rubber tube in the nose, an aptly named nasal trumpet. Alcohol increases snoring by relaxing the muscles that hold the throat open, allowing the soft palate tissue and uvula to flutter more as air passes.

Finally, some good news.

Historically there has been a belief that wine has medicinal properties. Hippocrates and Thomas Jefferson both considered wine an important part of their health regimens. Louis Pasteur, the famous French biologist, said, “Wine is the most healthful and hygienic of beverages.”

There now is an enormous amount of research about what has been called “the French Paradox,” that despite a diet rich in fats there is a lower-than-expected prevalence of cardiovascular disease among the Gauls.

Scientific studies have linked this surprising fact to the moderate consumption of alcohol, specifically red wine. Red wine has also been linked to a reduced risk of some cancers, atherosclerosis, heart disease, and even the common cold.

So drink a whole bottle tonight. Your bed will spin but you probably won’t have a heart attack.

There are some important medical uses for marijuana, and some of these lead to solid arguments for legalization. However, the use of marijuana for glaucoma does not appear to have any benefit over available medications.

Marijuana does reduce pressure in the eye, but in order to sustain this reduction you would have to smoke about ten to twelve joints a day. Your eye pressure might be lower but you will be too stoned to get anything else accomplished except naked guitar playing, gluttonous pork rind consumption, or deriving profound meaning from Rob Schneider films.

The arrival of the Saint Bernard with the little cask around its neck is a heartwarming image but drinking alcohol to warm yourself or prevent frostbite doesn’t make any medical sense, we’re sorry to report. Alcohol consumption actually can be dangerous in these conditions as it decreases blood circulation and thus can enhance heat loss and impair shivering.

Poor, sad toads. They always seem to take a backseat to the frogs. Frogs get kissed and turn into princes, and toads just get to cause warts. Well, here is some good news for toads. Toads do not cause warts. Toads do, however, produce a protective substance in the parotid gland behind the eyes. This toxin can make animals, such as dogs, very sick and can be irritating to the human eye. But some people go way beyond touching toads and actually lick them in an attempt to get high from a “psychedelic” substance supposedly found on its skin.

The species known as the Bufo toad does have a psychedelic substance on its skin. This substance is similar to serotonin and LSD and can cause hallucinations. Be careful when trying this method because some people have been arrested for toad licking.

Straight from the Department of Psychology at the University of Glasgow, a paper entitled “Alcohol Consumption Increases Attractiveness Ratings of Opposite-Sex Faces: A Possible Third Route to Risky Sex,” thus proving that beer goggles do exist. Feel free to use this paper to excuse your bad behavior.

Leynerseems to have rebounded from his brief period of remorse and sorrow, and is now back to his crazed ways. Tequila in hand, he is delivering a rambling quasi-coherent lecture about cultural differences in post-defecation hygiene. The audience is appalled, yet raptly entranced by his scholarly scatological soliloquy. As Leyner continues, a hand pops up in the back of the room. The hand belongs to Joel Blake, a celebrity orthodontist, who starts to ask a question but begins to stammer as tears well up in his eyes.

Leyner moves through the crowd with the style and empathic grace of Oprah Winfrey, grabs his hand, and says, “It’s okay Joel, you can tell us, you are among friends.”

“I wipe standing up!” Joel blurts out.

There is a cackle from the gallery but Leyner silences the offender with an icy stare.

“We need to honor everyone’s Way of Wiping,” Leyner says serenely, as he hugs Joel.

The bathroom and all that occurs behind closed doors may be the final taboo. Yet when placed in a comforting environment or in a locker room, people will share their secrets often to unfortunate results.

Thanks to our wonderful democratic society, you can do whatever you want. The better question is, Why would you want to drink your own piss?

Drinking small amounts of your own urine is probably safe. It is made up of 95 percent water, 2.5 percent urea, and 2.5 percent salt, other minerals, hormones, and enzymes. Actually, some folks consider it to have therapeutic properties. Ask the Chinese Association of Urine Therapy. They say urine is sterile, antiseptic, and nontoxic.

For serious yoga practitioners, drinking one’s urine is called amaroli. One of the most famous users of urine therapy was the prime minister of India from 1977 to 1979, Morarji Desai. At the celebration of his ninety-ninth birthday, Desai attributed his longevity to drinking urine on a daily basis. But, we plan on sticking to morning coffee, a good glass of cabernet, and an occasional Yoo-hoo, even if it knocks a year or two off our life spans.

• An average fart is composed of about 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane, and 4 percent oxygen. Less than 1 percent of its makeup is what makes a fart stink.

• The temperature of a fart at its time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

• Farts have been clocked at a speed of ten feet per second.

• A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.

• Women fart as much as men.

• The gas that makes your farts stink is the hydrogen sulfide gas. This gas contains sulfur, which is the smelly component. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Some foods that cause really smelly farts include beans, cabbage, cheese, and eggs. Also soda.

• Most people pass gas about fourteen times a day.

All are important facts, but back to the question: Is it really possible to ignite farts?

The answer to that is yes!

The flammable character of farts is due to hydrogen and methane. The proportions of these gases depend largely on the bacteria that live in the human colon that digest, or ferment, food that has not been absorbed by the gastrointestinal tract before reaching the colon.