Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

Gberg:Indelible or inedible?

Leyner:First you down some… What’s that laxative they give you?… It has a catchy name.

Gberg:Go-lytely!

Leyner:Works mighty fast.

Leyner:Know what I’m talking about?

Gberg:Nothing light about it.

Leyner:What’s it called? Help me out here.

Gberg:Not Go-lytely?

Leyner:NO.

Gberg:Lactulose, sorbitol, milk of magnesia, cascara, Dulcolax…

Leyner:Dulcolax… I think.

Gberg:Magnesium citrate.

Gberg:Dulcolax, “the Duke.”

Leyner:DULCOLAX, yes!!!!!! Anyway, they make you drink that… then, a dozen or so people vie for three bathrooms. It’s like some debased Japanese game show.

Gberg:We could be huge in Japan.

Leyner:We already are.

Gberg:Did your books sell internationally?

Leyner:That’s the strange thing about Japan. You can be famous there, have malls named after you, etc., etc., and NEVER know it.

Gberg:I am pretty sure there is no Billy Goldberg mall in Kyoto.

Leyner:One of my books has been published in Japan, and all of them in Great Britain, Italy, and France… and Chechnya, I think. I’m like the Dr. Seuss of Chechnya.

We have no pretensions about this book, and we expect it to be found in that precious spot right next to the toilet. For that reason, we fear we need to warn you that sitting too long on the throne may cause hemorrhoids. Unfortunately, this one’s not an old wives’ tale.

Hemorrhoids, or piles, are abnormally swollen veins in the rectum and anus. They are similar to the varicose veins you might see on a person’s legs at the beach. It’s estimated that about one hundred million Americans are currently suffering from hemorrhoids. More than half of the U.S. population develops hemorrhoids by age fifty. The most frequent causes of hemorrhoids are constant sitting, straining with bowel movements (from constipation or hard stools), prolonged sitting on the toilet, severe coughing, giving birth, and heavy lifting. It has also been suggested that the Western diet, which is rich in processed food and lacking in fiber, contributes to hemorrhoids.

Sitting on the toilet too long is problematic because this is the only time that the anus truly relaxes, allowing the veins down there to fill completely with blood. To prevent this problem, you should move your bowels as soon as possible after the urge occurs. If you cannot go right away, pick up our book (we expect it to be toilet reading) but read as you walk. You can always return to finish the job.

We don’t want to create any cultural stereotypes here, but most of the bathroom questions came from folks from Down Under. Yes, two Aussie friends seem to ask many questions about their bowels.

Everything that happens in the intestine seems to have something to do with the production of gases and sulfur compounds. The bacteria inside feces is what makes it smell so bad. Specifically, the bacteria produce various compounds and gases that lead to the wonderful smell of a bus station bathroom. The smell of your stool can be affected by medical conditions or your diet. Fatty stools and bloody stools are known to be particularly malodorous. In the hospital, a large, ripe poo is known as a code brown. How’s that for real insider knowledge?

Some people seem to be obsessed with the creation of the perfect poo. My brother even called me in to examine his works of art, a true bonding moment for young boys. Another friend described his perfect moment for us when he produced the cobra — one that coiled around and poked its head out of the bowl. There is something about “dropping the kids off at the pool” that makes us all smile. So, laugh if you must, but we’re sure you’ve wondered why some poos are floaters.

It is gas that makes poo float. Increased levels of air and gas make it less dense and therefore cause it to float.

It is very common to have people ask about the color of their stool to figure out how it relates to disease. There are definitely some color changes that can be cause for concern, but in general assessing stool color is no exact science.

Feces are mostly shades of brown or yellow because of the presence of an orange-yellow substance called bilirubin. Bilirubin combines with iron in the intestine to give the combo a beautiful brown color.

Poo does, however, have a rainbow of possibilities:

Black:

A black stool (melena) can mean that blood is coming from the upper part of the gastrointestinal tract, the esophagus, stomach, or first part of the small intestine. Other things that can cause black stool are black licorice, lead, iron pills, Pepto-Bismol, or blueberries.

Green:

Green, leafy vegetables contain chlorophyll, which can color the stool green. Green feces can also occur with diarrhea if bile passes through the intestine unchanged. In breast-fed babies, green stool is a normal occurrence, especially right after delivery.

Red:

Maroon stool or bright red blood in poo usually suggests that the blood is coming from the lower part of the GI tract. Hemorrhoids and diverticulitis are the most common causes of red blood in the stool. Beets and tomatoes can also make stools appear reddish.

Gray:

Diseases of the liver, pancreas, and gallbladder can cause pale or gray stool.

Yellow:

One condition that can cause yellow stool is a parasitic infection known as giardia. Giardia also causes significant diarrhea. Another cause of yellow poo is a condition known as Gilbert’s syndrome. This is a fairly common genetic disorder that causes an increase in your level of bilirubin. Gilbert’s syndrome is rarely dangerous.

Some people like to think of their lower gastrointestinal tract as a one-way street. One time during a rectal examination during a trauma, a frightened young man screamed out as the doctor was placing his finger in the man’s rectum, “Whoa, that’s an exit!”

Flatulence follows that same rule. Gas goes out or it simply goes away.

Seawater is more than three times as concentrated as blood. Humans shouldn’t drink salt water because it forces your body to deal with a solution that is more concentrated than its own fluids. In order to get rid of the excess salt, your body must excrete it through the kidneys as urine. The kidneys can only make urine that is less salty than salt water, so if you drink seawater, you’ll be peeing a lot and losing an excess of water. This would cause your body to become dehydrated, leaving an excess of sodium in your bloodstream. Water would then leave all your other cells to enter the bloodstream. This would cause the cells to shrink and malfunction. As a result, muscles would become weak and ache, the heart would beat irregularly, you would become confused, and ultimately you would die.

Drinking urine is probably safer than seawater, but the catch-22 is that if you don’t have any water to drink, you will become dehydrated and not produce any urine. The best bet is to not get shipwrecked and if you do, hope for rain.