Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

Leyner:At a supermarket in L.A.

Gberg:I was wondering where you heard that?

Leyner:Yes, I spontaneously spelled it correctly… it’s the coffee.

Gberg:I didn’t know that people actually spoke in L.A.

Leyner:This woman… enormous plastic L.A. tits and the face of a wizened gargoyle… said she won’t touch a morning erection… because it’s not “for me” (she said)… it’s just a “reflex.”

9:35A.M.

Leyner:I guess people want to feel they’ve “earned” a change in some other human’s physiognomy.

Gberg:L.A. is such a bizarre place. New Yorkers would take advantage of any erection. Why waste a good thing?

Leyner:You know those commercials for that new Viagra… whatever it’s called?

Gberg:Cialis. Damn, those people seem relaxed and happy.

Gberg:We should start our own pharmaceutical company.

Leyner:Why do they say — at the end of that ad — that you should report erections that last over four hours to your doctor?

Leyner:Maybe you should report them to the police?

Leyner:What’s the danger of a four-hour erection anyway?

Gberg:Priapism, my friend, priapism.

Gberg:Very painful and can cause permanent damage to the penis.

Leyner:Can you get a permanent erection?

Gberg:Me, personally?

9:40A.M.

Leyner:That’s funny.

Leyner:Porn stars are said to be able to get their erections back quickly… it’s a vocational skill in high demand in the industry…

Leyner:What accounts for the difference in the refractory time for various men?

Leyner:Is that what that’s called?

Gberg:It sounds so scientific.

Leyner:That’s the right term! I just looked it up. I’m so smart… Don’t you think?

Gberg:You could write a scientific

article, “The Refractory Erectile Period in the Porn Industry.”

Gberg:Just as important as making it go up is making it go down. For those embarrassing public moments.

Leyner:Speaking of porn.

Leyner:Did we ask this in the book: Can women ejaculate?

Gberg:All we are doing is speaking of poop, porn, and penises.

Gberg:So sophomoric.

Gberg:Yes, and they can.

9:45A.M.

Leyner:… that we’re hard-wired to launch our genes into the future before we decay in a puddle of excrement and putrescence???

Leyner:You think THAT’s sophomoric?

Leyner:That’s the whole comic tragedy of life!

Leyner:And the central thesis of our book, yo.

Gberg:What is the thesis of our book?

Leyner:The intertwining cosmic threads of poop and porn.

Leyner:That’s string theory, ever hear of it?

Gberg:I am very slow on the keyboard this a.m.

Gberg:I think my head is going to explode.

Leyner:That we valiantly attempt to create poetry and architecture and pass along culture and bequeath our genetic heritage, ALL in the face of certain decrepitude and the abject indignities of old age and DEATH.

Leyner:It’s a grim struggle each and every day to maintain my dinginity in the face of “reading glasses.”

Leyner:Dignity.

Leyner:I misspelled in my passion.

Gberg:Hold on 1 sec.

9:55A.M.

You left the chat by logging out or being disconnected.

Theflurry of bathroom talk was cathartic, leaving everyone feeling purged and invigorated. Joel, with a newly found confidence, is leading a small group in a game of charades. Leyner, with the nearly empty tequila bottle in one hand and a fat Cohiba in the other, is gesturing madly and attempting to act out a scene from Gone With the Wind . I mistake Leyner’s gesticulations for a focal seizure and I run across the room to administer first aid. The group assumes that this is all part of the clue giving and continues to shout out movie titles. Leyner’s face is contorted in a bizarre grimace as I assist him to the ground and protect his airway with a head tilt and jaw thrust. Leyner is now scowling and I realize this is not a seizure as Cinderella incorrectly guesses Spartacus .

Joel shouts out, “Vision Quest!”

And Jeremy quickly replies, “Dude, they’re not wrestling, I think they are in love.”

Joel quickly responds, “The Birdcage!”

And Cinderella guesses, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Jeremy turns to me and blurts out, “Are Oompa Loompas orange from eating too many carrots or are those little bastards just using too much self-tanner?”

Before I can respond, Eloise saunters over and — astonishingly — says in a slow, wistful drawl, “It’s got to be Gone With the Wind . I’d have a fit too if my ten-million-dollar Charleston bungalow burned to a crisp. Oh poor beautiful Tara.”

People often leave the movie theater filled with questions about what they’ve seen on the screen. After a thrilling episode of ER, I can always expect to get a call.

Accurate: accu•rate;adjective.

1. Correct in all details.

2. Free of mistakes or errors.

Of course it’s not completely accurate! It’s TV.

But the writing staff does capture the general controlled chaos of an ER. They deal with real medical cases but their medical depictions are always embellished to add a little extra Hollywood flair.

I did my residency in emergency medicine in Los Angeles, when ER was just starting and the writers often came by our hospital looking for new ideas. One patient I saw there was portrayed in an early episode, and highlights the writers’ taste for the dramatic. One day, a baby was playing with a coat hanger and the tip of the hanger got stuck in the back of his throat. The paramedics carefully brought the baby in to our ER with the hanger dangling from his mouth. This was, of course, very dramatic looking, and we all rushed over immediately. The child was scared but was breathing fine and my fellow doctors and I did our best to just leave him alone and keep him calm. (Rule #1 of medicine: do no harm.) An X ray showed that the tip of the hanger was superficially caught up on the back of the child’s throat. Now… for the big dramatic ending: we simply reached inside and removed it. Case over!

On ER, however, when the glamorous doctors tried to remove the hanger from the child’s throat, the baby started to bleed profusely. After an emergency tracheotomy, some miraculous bedside surgery, and a little on-screen romance, this child was just barely saved.

Amnesia seems to be one of the favored topics of screenwriters for an easy plot twist. The list of “amnesia movies” can go on and on: The Bourne Identity, 50 First Dates, Desperately Seeking Susan, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Overboard, Spellbound, Total Recall, to name just a few.