Mark Leyner: Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

On an episode of King of the Hill, Hank accidentally sees his mother in bed with her new boyfriend and suddenly loses his vision. In the movie Hollywood Ending, Woody Allen’s character has the same problem because he is so nervous about the film he has to direct. So, does this sudden blindness really happen outside of the movies and TV?

The answer is definitely yes. And it is not unusual to see these patients in the ER. Hysterical blindness can occur as a result of a psychological stress (a conversion disorder) or someone can intentionally fake blindness for some secondary gain (malingering) — a prisoner who says he can’t see in order to try to avoid going directly to jail. It is not difficult to figure out when patients say they are blind but can actually see. We have a simple test that lets us determine whether the eyes are functioning. Using a rotating striped drum, we test for something called optokinetic nystagmus. As the drum spins, normal eyes will be seen moving back and forth.

If a striped rotating drum is not available, you can always use a picture of J. Lo’s rear. Move it back and forth, and any normal eyes will follow.

Leyner:So…

Gberg:Just sent you the blindness question.

Leyner:Okay… just got the e-mail… I’m reading it now… hold on (to something of your own choosing).

Gberg:Just hold on to what you’ve got. You’ve got a lot girl, you’ve got a lot. Got a lo-ovely feelin’. Hang on, hang on to what you’ve got. I may have left out a “hang on” in that musical interlude. Singing doesn’t really work on IM.

Leyner:I think we need to explain just what that test is, then maybe make some joke about something visual that would be almost impossible not to react to, like some starlet’s muff for instance, then… maybe a joke about what might cause hysterical deafness.

Gberg:Very good. Will do. Let’s focus on the intros.

Leyner:Okay… let me read through the intro again….

We’re not sure that we can answer this one with any scientific references, and there probably isn’t a hospital that would allow you to study the consequences of leaving movie candy inside a patient during surgery. This is not to say that surgeons don’t occasionally leave things behind. Surgical sponges and instruments are the most common items left behind, and believe us, it has happened.

In the Seinfeld episode, the patient makes a miraculous recovery and it is implied that the mint may have prevented infection. Although there are some reports about using granulated sugar and honey on wounds, having a Junior Mint inside your body is more likely to cause an infection. So, remember to always ask your surgeon to step out of the operating room if he or she needs a snack.

One of Mark Leyner’s favorite recent news stories is that of Armin Meiwes, a German computer technician who was convicted of murdering someone for sexual pleasure and then eating him over the next several months. Mr. Meiwes had advertised on the Internet for “well-built young men aged eighteen to thirty to slaughter.”

Mr. Meiwes in interviews with court psychiatrists said that his fantasies of cannabilism began as a child from watching horror films. For those film buffs who are looking for a viewing list, these movies all involve cannibalism: Alive; Eating Raoul; The Silence of the Lambs; Hannibal; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover; and Night of the Living Dead .

So, is it dangerous to eat another human being? I am sad to report that it really isn’t that dangerous. Human flesh holds much nutritional value and will keep you alive if your plane goes down and all you have are your fellow, more unfortunate, passengers. Unless you are eating the brain.

A rare disease called Kuru can occur from eating human brains, which killed about 10 percent of the Fore, a New Guinea tribe of cannibals. The Fore would honor their dead by eating them. The brain was reserved for the female relatives and children. Whole villages were wiped out by this rare neurodegenerative disease.

Kuru manifests with muscle weakness and trouble walking. The Fore would then have trouble talking and could no longer stand, sit, or even hold their heads up. Death ultimately resulted from starvation or an infection that developed when they became so sick. Researchers were very interested in this disease because it is very similar to mad cow disease.

12:40P.M.

Gberg:Time really flies when you are typing away at this IM thing.

Leyner:Are you being sarcastic?

Gberg:No.

Gberg:How was the lamb your mother-in-law made last night?

Leyner:The goat you mean.

Leyner:It was great.

Leyner:I love goat and all things goat.

Gberg:I made a mean beef tenderloin last night.

Leyner:Meat, cheese, milk, etc.

Leyner:How’d you make it?

Gberg:In a red wine sauce, tender and delicious.

Gberg:Did I tell you that I added in your favorite story of that German cannibal?

Leyner:That sounds great.

12:45P.M.

Leyner:I saw that… that’s essential and indispensable for this book.

Gberg:What an insane story.

Leyner:It’s a lot more common than you think. Families tend to keep cannibalism hushed up… I had an uncle…

Gberg:I will never come to your family’s for Thanksgiving.

Leyner:Never mind.

Leyner:I was looking up satyriasis.

Leyner:Speaking of goats.

Gberg:What is satyriasis?

Leyner:It comes from the word “satyr,” meaning part man, part goat (fond of Dionysian revelry).

Leyner:Satyriasis: abnormal sexual craving in the male.

12:50P.M.

Gberg:Says on the Internet that it is caused by extreme narcissism.

Leyner:Really… I’m in the high-risk category then.

Leyner:I can spend all day just staring at a single vein on my left bicep.

Gberg:There are treatment options available, medication or… I assume that castration is not an option.

Leyner:I’m not taking some horse suppository, son.

Gberg:Maybe some very tight underwear?

At the end of Scarface, Tony Montana gets shot many times but doesn’t lose his ability to spew obscenities. In the hospital we believe that an innocent person will get killed by a single gunshot but the meanest, guiltiest thug can survive multiple gunshots and simply get up, curse at the doctors, and walk out.

The truth is that it really depends on where the bullet hits you.

It happened in An American Werewolf in London, and who can forget Michael J. Fox as Teen Wolf ? Lyncanthropy refers to the delusion that one is a wolf. This can definitely be seen in psychiatric illness, but it may be that in some cases this is not a delusion at all. The werewolf legend may have originated out of two medical conditions.