Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

But no studies have proven modern microwave usage to be harmful. Much of the fear about the cancer-causing agents of microwaves has to do with radiation. Basically anything that moves is radiation, including visible light, ultraviolet rays, X rays, and microwaves. Ionizing radiation, such as X rays, have enough localized energy to do chemical damage to the molecules they hit. Nonionizing radiation, such as microwaves, do not damage molecules.

One possible danger with microwaves is that heated products can explode even after they are removed from the microwave. Exploding eggs are specifically dangerous. Many injuries have been reported and some doctors in the United Kingdom have even pressed for warning labels.

Wireless phones (including cell phones) use radiofrequency energy, also known as radio waves. It is not believed that wireless phones are harmful, but the research in this arena has only been conducted recently, so the real negative effects of cell phone usage remain unknown for now.

This question makes me think of the scene from High Anxiety when Mel Brooks, playing Dr. Richard Thorndyke, passes through airport security with a gun. As the metal detector beeps, he bursts out, “Is this a game show? What did I win, a Pinto? I beeped! Take me away! Take me back to Russia! I beeped! The mad beeper is loose!”

If you have a titanium plate in your head, a pacemaker, plates and screws for a broken bone, or an artificial implant, this too could happen to you. The size of the implant and the sensitivity of the device will determine whether you are turned into the mad beeper. Don’t worry, the metal detector won’t hurt you.

The old wives’ tale warns us that if you hold in a sneeze, your head might explode. That won’t happen, but you can do yourself some harm.

A sneeze is a very complicated thing that involves many areas of the brain. A sneeze is a reflex triggered by sensory stimulation of the membranes in the nose, resulting in a coordinated and forceful expulsion of air through the mouth and nose. The Guinness Book of World Records reports the longest sneezing bout ever recorded was that of a schoolgirl from the United Kingdom. She started sneezing on January 13, 1981, and didn’t stop sneezing for 978 days.

The air expelled by sneezes is said to travel up to one hundred miles per hour, and an unimpeded sneeze sends two to five thousand bacteria-filled droplets into the air. Holding in a sneeze potentially can cause fractures in the nasal cartilage, nosebleeds, burst eardrums, hearing loss, vertigo, detached retinas, or temporary swelling called facial emphysema. Therefore it is best to let your sneeze fly, but please cover your nose and mouth.

Several years ago at the Columbus Circle entrance to Central Park, I came upon someone having a seizure in the street. As I attempted to help the patient, someone from the crowd reached into the nearby garbage can and insisted that I stick the dirty spoon he had found into the person’s mouth to keep him from swallowing his tongue. The guy with the spoon didn’t seem to be impressed with my medical degree and “politely” told me that I didn’t know what the (insert vulgar NY expression here:___) I was talking about.

This is not an uncommon belief, but it is not possible to swallow your tongue. The tongue can block the opening of the airway and one of the first things that you are taught in basic life support is that if someone is having difficulty breathing, you should tilt his or her head and lift the chin. This helps to remove the tongue as an obstruction. If you do come upon someone who is having a seizure, just make sure that he is safe and won’t hurt himself. Do not put a bacteria-covered spoon in the mouth. Call for help and before you know it, the seizure will probably stop on its own.

I can’tbelieve it’s not over yet. I feel as though this evening has taken years off my life. Leyner and Jeremy have been separated, and there are only a few stragglers left picking at the remnants of Eloise’s glorious buffet.

Even Leyner seems beaten down from a combination of toxic tequila, amorous adventures, and verbal violence. He is leaning on the credenza and says to me as he agonizingly stretches his neck, “I used to be able to drink, womanize, and brawl and come out of it all as fresh as a daisy. Now I feel limp and shriveled like a rotting clump of stinkweed.”

Leyner stands and arches his back uncomfortably. “Did I mention my prostate feels a little swollen?”

With that, I turn and exit the party.

There are many advantages to getting older — early bird specials, senior citizen discounts, the fact that people don’t ask you to help move a sofa up a flight of stairs, and getting away with saying whatever the hell pops into your head. But there are some perplexing changes ahead for all of us….

5:33P.M.

Gberg:Maestro.

Leyner:Hey you… give me five minutes (at most)… go get something… then we’ll work.

Gberg:Surely.

5:45P.M.

Leyner:You there?

Gberg:Yes, sir.

Leyner:What should we do?

5:50P.M.

Gberg:Light this piece of shit on fire and go drink ourselves silly.

Leyner:Brilliant idea.

Gberg:Or we can talk about the health alert that I just received about mycobacterium bovis in U.S.-born children.

Leyner:What the hell is that?

Gberg:You are so filled with all of this medical knowledge, I was hoping you could fill me in.

Gberg:I am waiting.

Leyner:What is it? Some mushroom thing, some fungal thing?

Leyner:Some fungal cow thing.

Gberg:You are getting warm with the cow.

Gberg:Sounds perverse.

Gberg:Give up?

Leyner:I give up.

Gberg:Similar to TB (mycobacterium tuberculosis).

5:55P.M.

Leyner:Duh… should have known that.

Gberg:Infection that you can get from the milk of infected cattle.

Gberg:Unpasteurized cheese and stuff.

Leyner:People should just drink cow’s blood… like the Masai… that would solve the problem of mycobacterium and lactose intolerance.

Gberg:You should run the Department of Health.

Leyner:Thank you.

Gberg:And Homeland Security.

Leyner:Homeland Senility.

Gberg:We have to finish this book first.

You finally have time and money to relax, travel, and have a good meal. The bad news is you probably can barely taste this meal.

Starting at age forty-five, tastebuds begin to lose much of their sensitivity. Older people often lose their ability to sense bitter or salty flavors altogether. You start your life with about nine thousand tastebuds and in old age you have less than half of that.

You want some more bad news? Aging also causes decreased hearing, sight, smell, and touch.

All the hairs on our head contain pigment cells that contain melanin. Pigment cells in our hair follicles gradually die as we age. The decrease in melanin causes the hair to become a more transparent color like gray, silver, or white.