Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

A hickey is a bruise that forms when a person sucks and lightly bites an area on another person’s body, causing the blood vessels under the skin to break. It is also a badge of honor for horny fifteen-year-olds all around the world.

I lookat my watch and I can’t believe that it is only 12A.M. I answer the last of the sex questions and quickly scan the room to make sure that my path is clear to the bathroom. I see an opening and rush off hoping to avoid any more questions.

The door is slightly ajar and I push it open tentatively to find our hostess, Eloise, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Leyner is clutching the massaging showerhead and is directing a cold stream of water on her burned and blistered cheeks. As it turns out, Eloise, ever the impeccable hostess, had joined Leyner and Cinderella in their laboratory to see if they needed their glasses refilled. Leyner then insisted on slathering her with his spicy balm. Little did he know that Eloise had had a deep-cleansing facial peel just a few hours before the party, leaving her skin ultra-vulnerable to any corrosive ointments. It was comforting for me to see that in the heedless anarchy of the moment, Leyner had actually done the right thing and was correctly caring for her burns.

There are two venerable maxims that rule the professional classes. For doctors it is do no harm, and in the world of jurisprudence it is anyone who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. So, if you must be your own physician, do no harm and don’t be a fool.

A patient came to the ER one day for treatment of an infection on her scalp. She had tried to treat it at home by taking the tetracycline for her fish tank. As it turns out, she actually didn’t need antibiotics for her rash. Was this self-medicating ingenuity or insanity on her part?

I wouldn’t exactly call it ingenuity, because the other great idea she came up with was to rub toothpaste on her head. As for the fish tank tetracycline, it seems as though those tablets often contain the same dosage as your over-the-counter tablets, but I certainly cannot vouch for their purity. Logic says to stick with the stuff you get from the pharmacy.

Maybe. A study in JAMA, or The Journal of the American Medical Association for all not in the know, demonstrated a significant reduction in the rate of urinary tract infections in older people who drank cranberry juice daily. We don’t know exactly why, but the most likely answer is that some chemical in the juice prevents bacteria from sticking to the wall of the bladder. I know some people don’t like cranberry juice, but since urinary tract infections can happen after sex, it’s probably worth it to drink a little bitter cranberry juice instead of smoking a cigarette.

Yogurt may have some role in helping prevent yeast infections, but only when you put it in the correct orifice — your mouth.

Yogurt does have some very interesting health properties. Some women find eating one cup of yogurt a day while taking antibiotics is helpful in preventing the yeast infections that often follow such treatment; however, yogurt alone will not cure vaginal yeast infections that are already in full bloom.

Excessive amounts of earwax can cause decreased hearing or pain, but this is no reason to start lighting your head on fire. “Ear candling,” or coning, involves placing a cone-shaped device in the ear canal and, with the help of smoke or a burning wick, removing earwax. The companies that make these devices claim many other health benefits. The FDA and the Canadian government disagree, and both have come out against these fraudulent claims. In most cases earwax will come out on its own, and if not, you should see your doctor. Avoid these silly products and save the cones for your ice cream.

No. Save the butter for breakfast.

Butter is the wrong thing to put on a burn. It will trap the heat in the skin and prolong the pain. Use cool water instead.

I do have to say that there are some kitchen supplies that may be useful for the pain of a burn, straight from the medical literature in India: boiled potato skins and honey.

Why honey? Honey is sometimes used for its antibacterial effects. Boiled potato skins may seem to be an unusual treatment, but they maintain a moist environment.

The best thing to do when you grab a hot pan is to cool your burn under running water, and only after it has thoroughly cooled, apply an antibiotic ointment. For severe burns you should go to your local ER.

Here is one for all the world travelers. Melatonin may be an effective solution for your problems with jet lag.

A review of ten studies on the use of melatonin concludes that two to five milligrams of melatonin taken at bedtime after arrival at your destination is effective and may be worth repeating for the next two to four days. This should be done in conjunction with nondrug measures — such as avoiding dehydration and alcohol, engaging in exercise and activity during daylight hours, eating well, sleeping well, and adjusting to the local time schedule — for fighting the dreaded jet lag.

Ice is hardly as dramatic as a carefully placed porterhouse, but it does the same job. There is no magic in the beef, just cold and a little pressure. Keeping your head elevated and avoiding aspirin or ibuprofen, which can affect the ability of your blood to clot, also helps. The best idea is to avoid getting punched in the first place.

There are many home remedies for skin ailments, and I’ve seen patients come to the emergency room covered in all sorts of creams and potions. Some common antizit home remedies people try concocting include baking soda, vinegar, coffee grounds, Mercurochrome (a red substance no longer sold in this country), iodine, hemorrhoid cream, sugar, salt, and toothpaste.

It is commonly believed that toothpaste on zits is an excellent home remedy. There are no scientific studies that I could find on the use of toothpaste for acne but it may work to dry out those troublesome blemishes.

But if you go the toothpaste route, there are some things to look out for. Perioral dermatitis is an eruption of discrete papules and pustules on an erythematous scaling base around the mouth (fancy description for “acnelike”). It occurs almost exclusively in women between the ages of twenty and thirty-five. The cause is unknown, but some people think that fluorinated toothpaste may be a factor.

Fragrance allergies are also a danger with the toothpaste method. Balsam of Peru is an ingredient that has been known to cause allergic reactions and cinnamic aldehyde in toothpastes has also been a common culprit. We say to stick with Clearasil.

In an unrelated but truly bizarre story, one night I was working in the ER and a patient came in with a bandage over her jaw. I asked her what happened and she was very timid in responding. She said she was embarrassed because she had picked her face over and over, which had caused an infection. I tried to calm her, told her that this was common, and asked her if I could take a look. When she removed her bandage, she revealed a 4 by 4-inch hole all the way down to her jawbone. She received some antibiotics and a careful psychiatric evaluation and at no point did anyone say, “Didn’t your mother tell you not to pick at your face?”