Masha Gessen: Gay Propaganda

MARINA

Yes, and the kids climb into bed with us.

The day before both children were supposed to start first grade, Vitya failed to bring Marina’s son home from a visit. It turned out the boy was at Marina’s parents’ house, and this time they had no intention of giving him back. They had even already taken his file from the school he had been scheduled to attend, and enrolled him in a different one, near their house .

Four days later, Marina and two friends forcibly removed the boy from his grandparents’ house; the police would not help them. Marina and Vitya both filed for divorce, and Vitya was now demanding custody. With Marina’s parents in his corner, he came armed with psychologists who were willing to testify that the women’s lesbian relationship would harm the child. Social services were also on Vitya’s side: their position was that while the women’s living situation was physically suitable for the children, being raised by two women would harm the boy .

The day Vitya filed for divorce was the same day a member of the ruling United Russia party filed a bill in parliament mandating the removal of children from parents suspected of being gay or lesbian. Clearly, social services were eager to start enforcing this provision. But until the bill became law, social services couldn’t take the kids; they could only help a father like Vitya fight for custody. And Marina’s parents didn’t have standing to file for custody, which is why they had been working on Vitya all summer, so Marina started negotiating with him. After a nerve-wracking five weeks, Vitya relented. They signed a separation agreement giving Marina physical custody, and the court dismissed the case .

ELENA

We weren’t sure it was going to work out. I’m really difficult to get along with, and Marina is no angel either. When we moved in together, we were like, “Well, we’ll give it a shot but we are not sure.” Plus, the two children. I don’t really like children. And then all this. Of course, they thought I’d bail, that this whole mess would begin and I’d leave her because it’s not like I really need her.

MARINA

And then I’d have nowhere to go.

ELENA

My mother said that if this is a genuine relationship then all their efforts will just make it stronger. She said they’d be smarter to wait and see if we wouldn’t just break up on our own. As it is, they did everything to bring us closer together.

Other than that, we’re not romantic. Not at all. Not like Kolya and Olya, who celebrated the anniversary of their first kiss.

MARINA

And the anniversary of their first almost-kiss! It was very touching. You and I should at least figure out on what date we got involved.

ELENA

I found a notation in my calendar: “Must talk to Marina. This is fucked up.” I think that would be our anniversary. So we’re not romantic and we don’t have much of a love story to tell. Though now, when I look back, I realize I was in love with Marina for a long time. I’d get jealous of Vitya. Whereas that one, she didn’t care.

MARINA

I was looking at her and thinking, She would never be interested in me in that way.

ELENA

We’d see each other and as soon as we parted we would call each other and spend the rest of the day on the phone. And if we weren’t on the phone, we were chatting on Skype. Kolya said to me once, “I have this sense that you have someone else. I even have an idea of who it is.” And I was like, “Who?” And he said, “Marina.”

An advertising executive and musician, Denis, 28, lived with Alexei, a DJ and performer, for three years. They broke up, and Alexei emigrated, but the two remain very close. They now meet up in Europe, Great Britain, and Moscow when they’re both on tour or if they end up at the same festivals .

I’ve been working at the Moscow offices of an international corporation for five years. I started as an assistant in the PR department and have risen in the ranks; now I’m the Creative Director. We work on Internet marketing and my job is to think up campaigns. Everyone at work knows I’m gay. I’ve been out since I was in school. I’ve never advertised it, but if anyone asked, I would always answer honestly.

I grew up in the Moscow suburb of Tushino, which is a little rough. Even so, the tough guys from the neighborhood never beat me up for my orientation. I don’t see why anyone would have any problems with me. I work, I work out like any other guy, and I know that I deserve respect like anyone else. If someone thinks “gay” is an insult, that’s their problem. As Coco Chanel said, “I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.” This was my motto before I even knew who Coco Chanel was. I’ll also say that I have often had conversations along the lines of, “You’ve changed what we think about gay people.”

I knew I was gay by the time I was 13. From the ages of 9 to 12, I was in love with a girl, but then I realized that I liked guys. I explained it to her right away. She got upset, but for a girl, it’s probably better finding this out than learning that you’re leaving her for another girl. We hung out after that, we even tried to have sex, but it never worked. After that, I was done with girls.

When I was 13, a boy in my class and I became attracted to each other. It wasn’t a serious relationship, just some friendly sex. It ended when we graduated. Several years later, we talked on the phone. He already had a wife and kids. I didn’t ask him about his orientation, but as we were wrapping up our conversation, he said, “Yes, it was cool back then!” No one in our school knew about us, especially since it was nothing serious.

My first real relationship happened when I was in college. I was about 20. It was very serious and important to me, and that was when I told everyone. Most important, my mother. The way she found out was amazing. The guy was a radio DJ. One day, I left his house, got in a cab, and headed home. Meanwhile, he went to work and confessed his love to me on the air. On the radio he had a DJ name, and so he announced that a “man” had called in to the show, and here he used his real name, asking him to tell me, Denis, that he really loved me. I heard this while sitting in the taxi! When I got home, I was ecstatic that someone had confessed their love for me so the whole country could hear. My mother was home and she’d also heard it. Before that, all she had known was that we were friends.

It was a nightmare, of course. She cried for three days, worried about whether she would be able to look the neighbors in the eye. I told her that nothing had changed, that I still loved her, that I’m still the same person. The only thing that changed was that now she knew about me, which only made us closer. She came to terms with all of this, and on the fourth day, once she stopped crying, she started giving me advice about how to snag guys. She seriously told me what I should be doing with my boyfriend. Ever since, she and I have had a fabulous relationship, full of mutual love and respect. She understood that nothing had changed, that I have the same problems as anyone else. For her, the most important thing is that I be happy. I’ve never talked about it with my father. He works on ships, so he is a very severe person. On the other hand, he’s very tactful and has never brought it up with me. My sister is the only one who is an awful homophobe; we’ve never gotten along. Perhaps it’s sibling rivalry, but it could be something else. We don’t talk much.