Array Seka - Inside Seka

“I don’t want you to ever darken my door again. I do not want to ever hear your voice again.”

“No problem.” And I meant that. I haven’t spoken to her since.

It wasn’t like it was that big a deal to me anyway. She had never really been part of my life. She’d never been there for me when I needed an older sister. There was no real connection. I’ve always managed to live my life to the best of my abilities without her or my brother.

One day, my brother Ray called me out of the blue because he wanted a truck. Of course, he didn’t have the means to pay for it so I not only loaned him money for it, but traveled all the way to Texas to help him fill out the loan application papers because he couldn’t manage it on his own. We went to the dealership together, where he told them for whatever reason that he wanted to modify the truck. When they informed him straight out it wouldn’t work properly, he nonetheless insisted.

It didn’t take long for him to realize the dealership had been absolutely right. He tried to return the truck and they wouldn’t take it back. Meanwhile, he never tried to repay me. Then I got a call from him a year or so later. He told me he had a court case regarding this truck. I knew he never should have messed with the truck in the first place, so I just didn’t see the point.

“You have to come down here,” he demanded.

His lawyer called to tell me the very same thing. I told the lawyer, “I’m not going to lie and perjure myself for my brother. And if you insist on me being in Texas, then he’s going to pay for my airfare and hotel, because I am not going to incur these costs on his behalf.”

My brother has not spoken to me since. He also believes I betrayed him. Guess I’m two for two in the betrayal department.

Intelligent, capable people should channel their energy into positive avenues. I didn’t believe in either of their legal cases, nor did I want any part of them. The whole thing was white trashy bullshit; using the legal system to get something for nothing.

My brother, after many failed marriages, has finally met “the right woman.” His current wife is the closest thing you’ll ever find to angel on this planet. And they’ve raised lovely children. I’m sad they don’t have Aunt Dottie in their lives, but in spite of our differences, I’m happy Ray has started to put some of the pieces of his own life together. Hey, he is my sibling after all.

For whatever that’s worth.

All lot of men and women like cream pies — all sorts of cream pies. And I learned a long time ago there’s no pie in the sky. But what I didn’t know is you can make a good payday getting pie in your eye.

Yes, Seka does fetish films.

I knew there was a whole world of fetish, from grown men in diapers, to girls joyfully popping balloons, to people tied up and hanging from ceilings, and an endless array of other kinks. To each his own, but none of this really did anything for me, and I never had any desire to pursue these markets as far as film work. But I was doing the Glamour Con show in Chicago a few years ago and this nice fellow approached me at my table about doing “pie videos.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s some nudity but no sex involved. You get pies thrown at you. We pay $200 a day.”

I just laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

They wanted a big name porn star for one of their movies. But $200 doesn’t get you Seka. Especially to get butter cream pies thrown in my face. And in several scenes no less.

Several years went by and I had pretty much forgotten about it. Out of nowhere the owner of the company called to tell me they were starting up again and wanted me. I hadn’t done anything on film in years. But there was no sex involved. Just out of curiosity I said, “How much are you paying?”

And the pay had risen dramatically.

Hell, Soupy Sales, The Three Stooges, and every silent film comedian I had ever seen had taken a pie or two to the face.

So Seka was about to get “pied.”

They took care of all my expenses to come down to Florida and put me up in a lovely hotel not far from the shoot. I brought a hairdresser friend of mine; God knows I was going to need her.

The set was a nice big house where all the other models were staying. There were palm trees and even fruit trees, so it was a relaxing and classy setting. Everywhere I looked there were nude and semi-nude young women running around getting ready to shoot their scenes. I was used to nudity from my years in adult films. But what I found odd was seeing hundreds upon hundreds of pies stacked up around the house. Who ever knew pies were a fetish?

While I was there, I watched their other films being shot. There were huge gallon cans with chocolate and vanilla pudding. The fetish is called “being slimed.” They also had a giant tank filled with pudding and the girls would get dunked in these tanks and come out covered from head to toe. It was like they were human desserts.

There was one guy on set who had a thing for washing girls’ hair to get the pudding out. He’d do it with a garden hose. He was famous for getting an erection when he washed women’s hair. He was harmless enough I guess, so I joked with him, “If you get a boner, I’m going to knock you out.”

Another set of films they were shooting involved underwater masturbation scenes. People are into everything I suppose. Again, whatever floats your boat — or floats to the top of your pool.

We used the outdoor area by the pool to do the movie. There was a huge tarp to help contain the mess. Each fifteen-minute scene was pretty much the same. Girls would be talking to each other and suddenly start throwing pies. That was it, basically.

This company has a huge fan base. The fans themselves write and pay for the scenes, including my own. It’s their personal fantasies, filmed for a price.

I quickly learned the “rules” specific to this genre in which I was ironically a virgin. You are not allowed to wipe the pie off your face. And you’re supposed to stay composed while being hit.

During my first scene, I didn’t even have to take my clothes off. I wore a black turtleneck and a tight skirt. I was supposed to play a Russian comedian and have an accent. Seka was suddenly Olga the Russian Comic.

“Vat do you get when you cross a pair of panties and an ocean liner?”

“A panty liner.”

Rim shot, please.

It was all pretty goofy. And every time I did a punch line, they’d throw a cream pie in my face. I lost it I was laughing so hard. I’d say the next joke and they’d hit me in the face again. Then one boob. Then the other one. Next came my butt. All in all there were about thirty pies per scene thrown at me and I was scheduled to do several scenes that day. Funny thing was, I had the best time. It all seemed like fun, like kids playing. Even when I started taking off clothes in other scenes, it didn’t seem sexual to me.

After I finished one scene, I had around ninety minutes to shower, clean up, and redo make-up and hair before the next. I ended up hit with well over one hundred pies that day.

The filmmakers were wonderful. It was a joy to work for them as they were some of the nicest, most interesting people I’ve ever met. Lenny, the owner, is one of the kindest people. He’d take us to beautiful restaurants and give us nice gifts for a job well done. I was thinking, “Who is this person and where did he come from?” You never meet anyone like this in my business.

The aftermath was I found my skin was the softest it’s ever been, although I smelled like cream pie for a week. And I wasn’t exactly running down to the bakery as often as I used to.

Although fetish films are something I’d never thought of doing, this wasn’t a bad gig. In fact, it was probably the oddest, but easiest job I’ve ever done in my career. Now when I hear people getting all horny talking about cream pies (the other kind), all I do is laugh.