John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

A demanding or “spoiled” child generally needs more time outs. A spoiled teenager may need more than time out in his or her room. In some cases, time spent with supervision in a developing country, or in the woods with a guide, or staying with a favorite aunt, uncle, or grandparent will help teenagers regain their true self and their need for someone else to be boss. By feeling out of control and depending on someone else, a teenager is humbled. They can come back to feeling their need for parents and the desire to please them.

To be secure, children should feel heard, but

always know that they are not the boss.

Children are basically programmed to one prime directive. Deep inside they only want to please their parents.

Positive parenting communication skills strengthen this prime directive so that children are more willing to follow a parent’s will and wish. To balance this yielding tendency, children need permission to resist and say no. This resistance allows them to develop a healthy sense of self.

Children who don’t get this opportunity go through unnecessary rebellion around puberty. Although a teenager still needs guidance in life, they feel huge urges just to do the opposite of whatever is your will and wish, if they have not developed a sense of self.

Many parents take it for granted that their children need to pull away from them at this time and rebellion is perfectly normal. Rebellion is only a normal reaction for children who did not get the support needed at an earlier stage.

When children experience the permission to say no, but then cooperate with their parents, they have a healthy sense of self and don’t need to rebel at puberty. They still pull away, but they don’t rebel and they keep coming back for love and support.

Positive parenting also explores ways of improving communication with teenagers, who were not raised with these five positive parenting messages. It is never too late to be a great parent and inspire cooperation from your children. No matter when you start, by applying the five messages of positive parenting, you will hold the power to improve communication, create cooperation, and draw from your children the best they can be.

Even with a greater understanding of the five messages of positive parenting, being a good parent is not easy. It is a learn-as-you-go process. Parenting pushes you beyond your limits of how much you thought you could give. Yet, no matter how good you get, you always find yourself once again in uncharted territory wondering: “What do I do now?” A clear vision of possibilities is needed. Fortunately, you can return to this guide again and again. When something doesn’t seem to be working, or you don’t know what to do, review the different messages of positive parenting.

You will discover what is missing and be better equipped to do the right thing.

As parents, we don’t get a lot of practice to prepare ourselves or to perfect our parenting abilities. Suddenly we are faced with the awesome responsibility of caring for a vulnerable child, and we are not always certain what is best for them. Even though we remind ourselves that children are from heaven and that they have their own unique potential destiny, their future is literally in our hands. How we hold and care for them greatly influences their ability to succeed in manifesting their full potential.

Parenting requires a tremendous commitment on our part but our children are certainly worth it. Parents only “back off” or withdraw from parenting when they don’t know what to do or when what they do seems to make matters worse. Studying the easy-to-understand (but not always easy-to-remember) principles of positive parenting will always remind you that you are needed and that by making a few adjustments you can succeed in giving your children what they need.

Always remember that no one can do it better than you can. Although your children come from heaven, they also come from you and they need you. Learning how to parent is the most worthwhile study a person can make if planning to have a family. Without the understanding of positive parenting, most parents have no idea how important they are to their children and their children’s future. Not only do their children miss out, but they do as well.

Parenting is a difficult job, but it is also the most rewarding. To be a parent is an awesome responsibility and a great honor. Now, with an awareness of what our children really need from us, parents can fully understand how much their help is needed. This clear insight into our responsibility allows us to feel the true dignity of being a parent and to take pride in doing what is required in caring for our family.

By fully committing yourself to the new principles of positive parenting, you are a courageous pioneer exploring new territory, a brave hero creating a new world and, most important, you are giving your children the opportunities for greatness that you never had.

Even with this guide by your side, you will still make mistakes, but then you will be able to use your mistakes to teach your children the important skill of forgiveness. We can’t always give our children what they need or want, but we can help them respond to their disappointments in healthy ways that make them stronger and more confident.

You will still be unable to always be there when they need you, but you will know how to react to their feelings and unmet needs in a way that heals their emotional wounds and makes them feel loved and supported once again. Using the five messages of positive parenting and remembering that children are from heaven, will help you give your children the best preparation they could have to make all their dreams come true, which is what all parents want for their children.

To apply the five messages of positive parenting, we first have to understand the right conditions for them to work. These new parenting skills will not work if we keep control of our children with threats of spanking, punishment, or guilt. Fear-based parenting numbs our children’s ability to respond to positive parenting. On the other hand, if we don’t know how to replace spanking and punishment with more positive ways to create cooperation, the five messages will not work as well. It is not enough just to stop punishing our children; we must apply new skills to create cooperation, motivation, and control.

If parenting is based on fear, children will not respond to the five messages. For this new approach to work, parents must let go of outdated fear-based practices of parenting. To flip back and forth doesn’t work. You can’t treat children as if they are good and innocent in order to draw out their inner greatness, and then spank them for being bad a week later.

It doesn’t work to treat children as if they are

good and innocent, and then spank them for being bad a week later.

If we want our children to feel good about themselves, we have to stop making them feel bad. If we want our children to feel confident, we have to stop controlling them with fear. If we want our children to respect others, we must learn how to show them the respect they deserve. Children learn by example. If you manage them with violence, they will resort to violence, or at least sometimes cruel or insensitive behavior, when they don’t know what to do.

Because of the invention of Western psychology, we are now much more aware of the profound influence childhood has on our success later in life. Both our ability to create outer success and our ability to be happy and fulfilled are heavily influenced by early childhood circumstances and conditions.