John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

Without an understanding of the five skills of positive parenting and the importance of making it okay to make mistakes, shame and punishment have been the only tools parents had to control and protect their children. Parents thought that too much praise weakened self-esteem and made children egotistical. They believed that if they did not punish their children for their mistakes, then their children could not learn right from wrong. While these notions are clearly outdated and abusive today, there was a time when they were the only tools that would work.

In putting the new ideas of positive parenting into practice, it is important to remember that parents make mistakes, too. Our children are incredibly adaptable; they have within themselves the power to adapt and be all they can be regardless of a parent’s mistakes. Life is a process of making mistakes and encountering the mistakes of others. It is through this very process that our children can become all that they can be.

If you recognize ways that you have wounded your children, instead of feeling guilty, forgive yourself, as you would have your children forgive themselves for their mistakes.

Remember that you are always doing your best with the resources that you have. Be careful not to beat yourself up with this information. Instead, be happy that you now have a new and better approach than what was given to you.

Instead of wasting energy blaming your parents for their mistakes, forgive your parents, as you would want your kids to forgive you, and use that energy to continue your research into being a better parent. Use Children Are from Heaven as a resource you can return to again and again. Take parenting workshops and create a parents’ support group to work with other parents using this positive-parenting approach.

As you take time to move through your learning curve, you will automatically become more accepting of your child’s unique learning curve as well.

All children experience negative emotions in reaction to life’s challenges and restrictions. Negative emotions are a natural and important part of child development. They assist children in making necessary adjustments in their expectations to help them accept life’s limits. Positive parenting skills, such as listening with empathy and time outs, provide opportunities for children eventually to learn appropriate ways to express their negative emotions.

Past parenting approaches attempted to control children by suppressing feelings. Shaming or punishing children for being upset subdues their passions and breaks their will.

Giving children permission to feel with the positive message that “it is okay to express negative emotions” empowers children. It awakens and strengthens willpower and gives a sense of direction. Unless a parent knows the skills of positive parenting to create cooperation, this extra power can be counterproductive.

Shaming or punishing children for being upset

subdues their passions and breaks their will.

When children’s feelings are honored and heard, a stronger sense of self can develop, but a false sense of power can also be created. If a child throws a tantrum and gets her way, then the permission to express negative feelings not only spoils the child, but creates an inner insecurity.

Parents must be careful not to placate a child to avoid having to deal with a tantrum. Giving a child permission to express negative emotions must be balanced by strong parents who are not threatened by such tantrums. When a parent learns how to handle a child’s tantrums with the five skills of positive parenting, the permission to express feelings is then a tremendous gift.

Parents must be careful not to placate a child

to avoid having to deal with a tantrum.

When their children throw tantrums, most parents mistakenly conclude that their children are bad or that they are not good parents. Learning to express, feel, and release negative emotions is an essential skill every child needs to learn.

Learning to manage negative feelings in this way awakens inner creative potential and prepares children to cope successfully with life’s challenges.

The most important element of learning to manage negative emotions is to make them acceptable. Although negative emotions are not always convenient or pleasant, they are a part of growing up. By first learning to express, feel, and release negative emotions, children eventually gain an inner awareness of their feelings and can more easily feel and release negative emotions without having to act them out in any manner.

The most important element of learning to

manage negative emotions is first to make

them acceptable.

By learning to feel and communicate negative emotions, children most effectively learn to individuate from their parents (they develop a strong sense of self) and gradually discover within themselves a wealth of inner creativity, intuition, love, direction, confidence, joy, compassion, conscience, and the ability to self-correct after making a mistake.

All the skills of living that make a person shine in this world and achieve great success and fulfillment come from staying in touch with feelings and being able to let go of negative feelings. Successful people fully feel their losses, but they bounce back because they have the ability to let go of negative feelings. They are able to manage their negative feelings without having to suppress them or get lost in them.

Most people who do not achieve personal success are either numb to their inner feelings, make decisions based on negative feelings, or just remain stuck in negative feelings and attitudes. In each case, they are held back from making their dreams come true. To stay in touch with your inner passion and your power to get what you want and need in life, it is essential fully to feel. Positive parenting techniques gradually teach your children to manage their inner negative emotions and to create positive emotion.

Unsuccessful people are either numb to their

inner feelings or remain stuck in negative

feelings and attitudes.

Passion means intense feeling. Passion can be sustained in life if we are able to manage our negative emotions successfully. If we learn to suppress our negative emotions, we gradually lose touch with our ability to feel positive emotions as well. We lose our ability to feel love, joy, confidence, and inner peace.

Failure is inevitable in life when adults make decisions or take action based on negative emotions. A successful adult needs to learn how to feel negative emotions and then release them. As a result, positive feelings return, and they are then ready to make healthy and more successful decisions.

Negative emotions are always okay, but they must be expressed at the appropriate time and place. It is not acceptable for a child to dominate the family with demanding emotional tantrums. Parents must be strong, but at the same time create opportunities for children to have the tantrums they need to have.

Young children need to be expressive and to communicate their negative emotions. By being empathetic and giving time outs, wise parents provide their children with regular opportunities to feel and express their negative emotions fully. Although it is not okay to act out from negative emotions, it is the parents’ responsibility to control the child’s behavior while also making it safe for the child to express negative feelings. When parents use the positive parenting skill of listening and time out, children gradually learn to regulate and manage when, how, and where their emotions are expressed and communicated.