John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

Remember, children are supposed to throw tantrums and express their resistance in order to get the understanding that they need to define themselves. If children haven’t had enough tantrums at home because the parents have coddled them too much, they tend to have tantrums in public when the parent’s can’t coddle them. They are used to being placated. In a public situation or stressful situation when a parent can’t give more, they become demanding and throw a tantrum.

When children resist it could be because any of these reasons listed above and many more. If children resist, then in some way, they are not getting all their needs met. We do not live in a perfect world, and as parents we are not perfect.

We cannot always give our children what they need no matter how much we know or have to give. Occasionally, our children will resist our direction when we just don’t have the time or resources to give them the attention, understanding, structure, redirection, or rhythm they need.

Resistance is inevitable because parents are

not perfect and cannot always give children

what they need.

Rather than mistakenly assuming that our children don’t want to cooperate, we need to realize that they don’t have what they need to cooperate. If a car doesn’t run because it is out of gas, it is not appropriate to assume that the car is resisting you or broken in some way. When children resist, they are unable in that moment to cooperate; they don’t have what they need to reconnect with their inner desire to cooperate. The purpose of rewarding children is to give them a little more fuel to connect with the part of them that wants to cooperate.

The purpose of rewarding children is to

awaken the part of them that wants to

cooperate.

Instead of trying to get control with threats of punishing or spanking, at those times when our children resist cooperating, we can regain cooperation by means of rewards.

Giving a reward will often evoke cooperation.

Imagine you were asked to work overtime and you automatically felt resistant. Then you were informed you would get paid twice as much for each hour of overtime. Immediately you would become more cooperative. Just as the promise of more will motivate you, it also works, perhaps even better, with your children. It is natural. Let’s look at a few examples.

When a child refuses to brush her teeth say, “If you go and brush your teeth now, we will have time to read three stories instead of just one.”

I still remember when I started consciously using rewards with my children. One of my children consistently resisted brushing her teeth before bed. Nothing would work.

Then, after taking a parenting class that recommended rewards, I used this one simple phrase and it worked. I was amazed. Just by letting her know that we would have more time to read, she jumped up to brush right away without any fuss. This one simple shift brought immediate results and changed my whole parenting approach.

With the support of giving small rewards, the job of parenting becomes much easier. In many cases, a child’s resistance just melts away with a reward. With occasional rewards, a child is reconnected with her natural desire to please the parent, and she automatically cooperates more of the time.

Giving small rewards makes parenting

so much easier.

Yet, some parents worry that their child may take advantage of this kind of support and always demand a reward before they do anything. Fortunately, this does not occur. When used with the other skills of positive parenting, giving rewards actually awakens and strengthens a child’s willingness to cooperate without rewards. Once a child has been motivated to do a particualr behavior with rewards, soon after she no longer requires the reward.

When children are in control, they don’t need rewards.

They only need rewards to help them come back into your control. Rewards are only needed at times when children are out of control and disconnected from their natural desire to please their parent. Once a particular behavior is established, then the child doesn’t require a reward to continue doing it. Giving the reward of three stories before bedtime does not make a child demand a reward for cooperating at other times.

Until I experienced the power of giving rewards, I resisted giving rewards, because I thought it was like bribing. When it worked so well, I had to begin considering its merits and rethink why I resisted giving rewards. When one of my children resisted my direction, my gut reaction was to make a threat. This was how my father parented me, and so, at times of frustration, my reaction was to threaten as well.

As soon as I discovered a better alternative, punishment and the threat of punishment became a thing of the past.

My new challenge was to find appropriate ways to give rewards. The reward must be linked in some way to the behavior the child is being asked to modify. Ideally, a reward is the natural consequence of cooperation. If the child brushes her teeth right away there really is more time to read stories before bed. When a child is resisting putting on her coat, the natural consequence of getting to school sooner may not seem like a reward. In some cases, however, it might work. You could say, “If you put on you jacket now, then I will have time to look at your paintings at school.”

There is one reward that works all the time, and you don’t have to think too hard. It is the gift of time. You can say, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special with you later.”

To motivate cooperation the easiest reward

to give is more time with you.

Whenever your child cooperates, the real consequence is more time later to do something they would really like to do with you. By reminding them of this simple truth, they will be quickly motivated to follow your direction. To make your reward even more effective, you may communicate it in ways that appeal more to your child.

Let’s explore a few examples of communicating the same reward differently according to your child’s temperament.

With a more sensitive child, when describing the reward, focus on how it will feel. For example, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. We could have a fun time picking flowers for Mommy in the garden. Mommy loves flowers. We could make a whole bouquet.”

With an active child, when describing a reward, focus more on the details of action. “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. We could go play outside in the garden and pick a bunch of flowers for Mommy. We can even bring out the ladder and pick the blossoms from the tree.”

With a responsive child, when describing the reward, focus more on the sensory details and tell a story. For example, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. We could go out in the garden and pick the beautiful flowers for Mommy. We could make a bouquet with red, white, and yellow flowers. I bet we will even see some butterflies. When your mother sees her new flowers, she will light up with a big smile.”

With a receptive child, when describing the reward, focus more on the timing. For example, say, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. After school when we come home, we can pick flowers in the garden for Mommy. Right now, I need your help, and then later we will have time to pick flowers in the garden.”

While framing the reward in different ways for your particular child will increase your child’s motivation, just communicating the reward will still work. The simple message you convey is that time for me now means more time for you later. You help me now, and I will give you more later.