Mark Haddon - Boom!

I got home expecting a grilling. About where I’d been. And why I’d been there so long. And why I hadn’t told anyone beforehand. But Mum was working late, Becky was out with Craterface and Dad was so engrossed in his cooking that he wouldn’t have noticed me bringing a cow into the flat. I dumped my bag and sat down. He took a spoonful of something from the pan on the cooker and carried it carefully over to me. “Try this.”

So I tried it. And it was really very good indeed.

“Tomato and orange soup,” said Dad, “with basil and cream and a dash of cognac.”

“Wow,” I said. “Mum definitely won’t divorce you now.”

Charlie’s bandages came off a couple of days later. To celebrate the occasion his mum decided that I should be allowed back into the house. He’d suffered enough, apparently. And learned his lesson. Clearly she knew absolutely nothing about her son.

On the other hand, it did give us the opportunity to show the secret message to Charlie’s dad. Obviously we didn’t want him leafing through the Spudvetch! notebook and finding out that Charlie had been following teachers around Sainsbury’s. So we made a second copy on a clean sheet of paper and handed it to him over supper.

“What do you make of this?” asked Charlie.

Charlie’s dad was, in our opinion, the brainiest person we knew. So if anyone could help us translate the mystery language, it was him.

Dr Brooks cleaned his lips with the corner of his napkin, ferreted in his pocket for his reading glasses, eased them behind his ears and squinted hard. “A code. Gosh, how delightfully old-fashioned.” He smiled quietly to himself. “I thought kids these days just went around shoplifting and playing computer games. Where did this come from?”

“Confidential,” said Charlie.

“My, my,” replied his dad, winking at us. “What fun.”

“So…?” pestered Charlie.

Dr Brooks shook his head. “It’s all Greek to me, I’m afraid.”

“Greek?” I said excitedly.

Charlie’s dad looked over the rim of his glasses. “It’s a phrase, Jim. All Greek to me. Double Dutch. Nonsense. Gibberish.”

“Ah,” I said, blushing slightly.

“Mind you…” he continued, popping the last new potato into his mouth and chewing contentedly. “Coruisk. Now that rings a bell. I mean, it may just be a coincidence, but I think I’ve heard that word somewhere before. Coruisk, Coruisk, Coruisk…Do I get some sort of prize for working this out? Bottle of whisky? Book token?”

“I think we could manage something along those lines,” replied Charlie.

But the conversation was interrupted by Dr Brooks’s bleeper. He took the little black thingamajig from his belt and examined it. “That’s the hospital, I’m afraid. No rest for the wicked.”

“See you later,” said Charlie.

“And I shall have a jolly good think about that word.” He smiled, standing and taking his jacket from the back of the chair. “But right now I must go and have a poke around with a dead body.”

On my way out of the Brooks’s house, Charlie’s mum stopped me and told me to wait for a minute. I thought I was about to get a lecture about keeping her ill-behaved son on the straight and narrow, but she returned after a minute or so carrying a large, metal, fish-shaped object.

“I very nearly forgot,” she said. “This is for your father. He rang earlier to ask whether he could borrow my salmon mousse mould. Now, Jim, I am sure your father is a very trustworthy chap, but will you try and make sure he actually cooks with this? I don’t want it welded into a scaled-down Wellington fighter-bomber.”

“I will.”

I got home to find Dad with his sleeves rolled up, wearing a stripy apron and cutting a large aubergine into thin circular slices.

“Stir those onions, will you, Jimbo?” He pointed to a pan on the stove.

I dropped my bag, took off my tie and dutifully whisked the onions round a bit.

“What happened to the planes, Dad?” I asked.

“Planes, Jimbo?” He started dipping the aubergine slices in little bowls of egg and flour. “I can do planes. I can do helicopters. I can do radio control. I can do aileron wiring and stall cut-outs. I need a challenge. You’ve got to progress. Turn the gas on under the frying pan. Thanks. You’ve got to learn new things. Keep yourself sharp.”

“Stops you sitting on the sofa in your pyjamas watching breakfast television while everybody else goes off to work.”

“Indeed,” said Dad.

Mum thought the Aubergine Parmesan was delicious. I had to agree. Even Becky liked it. “It’s all right,” she said glumly, which is high praise from a teenage death metal fan.

Dad grinned stupidly all through supper as if he’d just won an Oscar. And Mum grinned back at him like she’d just met him for the first time and fallen madly in love. At one point they were holding hands at the table. All of which made me a bit queasy, though I guess I couldn’t complain.

The only sour moment was when Becky went to the cupboard to fetch a bottle of ketchup. Dad told her ketchup was an insult to good food. For a moment I thought there might be actual fisticuffs, but she looked around the table, realized it was three against one and decided to accept defeat.

After dinner I escaped to the balcony in case Mum and Dad did actual kissing and I vomited. Becky joined me soon after and said, “What’s got into him?”

“Into who?” I asked.

“Into Dad, stupid,” she said, lighting a cigarette and dropping the match down on Mrs Rudman’s balcony. “All this cordon bleu business.”

“I bought him a cookery book,” I said.

She gave me a funny look. “So it’s your fault.”

“I think it is,” I said proudly.

“God,” she sighed, “it’s like he’s turning into a woman.”

I patted Becky on the back. “Women going out to work. Men cooking. You’ve just got to face it, sister. This is the modern world.”

It felt very strange being taught by Mrs Pearce on Monday. I kept wondering if she knew we’d been inside her house, whether she’d found something out of place, whether we were under suspicion. But her behaviour was no different from usual. So I soon relaxed and started to feel rather smug. We’d got away with it. She might have a secret. But we had a bigger one. It was one of the very few times in my life that I knew something a teacher didn’t. Mr Kidd seemed less scary too. We were on to them.

He might have scared the living daylights out of us. But if he knew how close we were getting it would probably scare the living daylights out of him.

We thought we were absolutely brilliant.

And it wasn’t until the following Saturday morning that we realized how wrong we were.

I got up early and helped Charlie with his paper round. When it was done we cycled over to the shopping centre for a late breakfast at Captain Chicken. I bought myself a strawberry milkshake and an apple pie. Charlie opted for turkey nuggets and a black coffee, which he thought was more sophisticated.

“Any developments?” I asked.

He took out the orange Spudvetch! notebook and opened it at the page where he’d copied out the mystery message.