Mare Moody - [blank]

"Why didn't you call for a month?" He asks.

"I had a lot of my mind," I push back at him. “Why didn't you call?"

"Are you dating him?"

With this question, hundreds of knots form in my heart. I don't want to date him. He is a psychopathic asshole. But I was with him for 7 years and I have seen his good side.

"No." I state.

"Really?" He is very torn about this.

"Yes. I promise." I say this with more confidence than my last reassurance. This change in tone makes a difference in his reception.

"Ok," he says significantly calmer. "I'll see you soon."

Before I can get a word in, he hangs up. I am left with silence. I am so good at fucking everything up.

I knock on the door cognizant of what might greet me. On the phone he didn't seem angry but then again, I don't know how much it actually hurt him. I do hope he just shrugs it off but then again, if he does, does that mean that he actually cares? I just don't want him to be bitter. I am starting to wonder if it would just be easier to this whole parenting thing alone. Day by day, my stomach grows bigger and bigger. With this, I become more and more aware of what lays ahead of me in just a matter of months. I stand for a second staring at the door.

The wood seems newly refurbished. The orange gloss shimmers in the hallway light. The tree from which it was created still makes itself known by the rings that remain present on it. It's almost as if the tree never truly lost itself by being broken apart for parts. It's lifespan is still poured out in front of me with the orange gloss as the finishing touch. It never really gave up. The door opens and I am throw out of my desired reality.

"Hey," Noah says. His eyes remain on the floor. Normally he would immediately look at me and bless me with his radiant blue eyes. Now, I am matched with nothing. He is upset. Fuck.

"Hi," I mutter. Silence breaks out between us. I don't know how to fill it. I don't know how to remain contrite yet loving all in one go. I hold the pictures of my baby boy in my hand. I lift them up to show him. He looks up and his face melts. He reaches out and grabs them. His face of shame is immediately replaced with a face of pride.

"Come in," he tells me, not looking up from the ultrasound. He moves out of the doorway to reveal his apartment. I haven't been in here since the night that I apparently tried to kill myself. Tabitha only told me short description of what she saw. She told me that I tried to hang myself from Kane's fan. It makes too much sense for it to not be true. I shake my head quickly to rid of the thought. I walk into his living room and sit on the couch. Everywhere I go, I sit. I want to preserve my feet while I can.

He looks up from the pictures and walks over to me.

"Who was he?" His eyes pierce into my skin. The blue brings me back to when we were happy before he asked about Kane. Kane ruins everything.

"I didn't want to tell you because he is my ex boyfriend of seven years."

"Hold on." He is confused. "That's the douche you dated in high school?"

"Yeah but I-"

"Holy shit. He looks so different." He cuts me off.

"Yeah, I dated him for two more years after we graduated." I said with an enormous amount of guilt.

"He-uh." I want to tell him. You can tell him. "He was abusive."

"What?" Anger bursts from his voice. "What did he do?"

"Uh-" I've never told anybody a list before. "He raped me and-"

"He did wha-" He starts to yell but I put my hand up.

"Let me finish," I say softly. "He raped me multiple times, hit me and actually kidnapped me one time."

His shoulders lift and I can see the fire growing and taking over him. I have never see him have so much emotion.

"Where the fuck is this guy," He spits. "I'm going to fucking kill him."

He puts the pictures on the coffee table and walks to the jackets. He grabs his sweater and starts to pull it on.

"Noah," I bark. "This baby needs his father. You can't attack him because he will fight back."

I stand up and walk to him. I look at him in the eyes.

"Just calm down. I am ok now." I coo.

"He can't get away with that." He yells at me.

"He won't!" I belt. "Sit the fuck down, Noah."

My yelling throws him off.

"I'm trying to protect you." He says with hurriedness.

"I don't need a protector."

He puts his hand on his face, closes his eyes and sighs into his palm. His hand wipes down his face and he looks at me intently.

"Promise me that he will never touch you ever again." He puts his hands on my shoulders and buries his eyes into mine.

"I promise."

He sighs again and hangs his sweater back up. I sit back on the couch and pick up the pictures. I know they will at least slightly distract him. He sits next to me on the couch. Together, we look at our baby. I wish I could tell just from this picture if it's Noah or Kane's. I could do a DNA test but it's too invasive and I could miscarry my baby. That's the last thing I want.

"You know I want to hurt him. I am only controlling myself for you."

"I love you," I mutter. I don't aim towards either my son or Noah. I love them both. My fantasy of sleeping on Saturdays can come true. I want to express that I want it.

"I love you too," he mutters back. I don't know if he is telling the baby that he also loves him or if he is responding to me. Either is just as sweet as the other.

"We can get away from here. Out of Boston." He looks at me. "Where do you want to live?"

"Leave Boston?" I ask. I have always dreamed of actually doing that but never actually had the guts to do it.

"Yeah." His smile returns. "How does Connecticut sound?"

"Way too expensive," I say with a laugh. "What about Pennsylvania?"

"Good schools," he comments as if he is a realtor.

"How do you know that?" My smile grows.

"The internet is great, man." He smiles back at me. We make eye contact. This time it is not filled with hate, anger or begging but love. I wonder how much better our relationship would be had Kane never been part of my life. I would have my mother. I would have Noah. I would know who my baby's father is. The spiral. I push it off. This is not happening every time I get happy. I need to focus on my smile and his smile. Kane has nothing to do with this.

I look at Noah's face and brush my hand across his cheek. He leans in and kisses me gently. All of the air in my lungs is dispelled. I feel my muscles relax. My heart beats harder than it has in a long time. This feel so right. I want him. He is my choice. I kiss back harder. I feel a flip in my stomach. Normally I'd chalk that up as butterflies but this time I physically feel something move. I pull out of the kiss and gasp.

"He moved!" My jaw is gaped open at the wonder.

"He did!?" Noah matches my excitement. "Wait. He?"

He grows more excited and starts to move his arms up and down.

"I'm having a son?" He asks eagerly.

"Yeah," I say overjoyed.

He leans over and kisses me again. Let's hope this happiness lasts.

The sun begins to go down. We sit, a family of three, watching the sunset. The sun rose to our relationship and now it sets as we begin a new part of our life. Striations of purple, pink and blue splotched on my future.

No.

You love Ka—

I stop it in its tracks. I didn't know that was possible. I feel everything come back apart underneath. I can control them. I am being dried after a storm which I managed to survive. This is euphoria.

I wake to blood curdling screams. My body irks and I look towards the source. Noah is sobbing and squealing for help. The bed is shaking and I can his leg twitching. In the darkness, a thick liquid pours out like a deep shadow of pain. My heart beats twice as fast as it should as I try to process the situation. I can see an enormous black smudge coming out of his leg. He winces, the more it stays there.