Mare Moody - [blank]

We match eyes and laughter bubbles in my stomach. I feel it come up without any request. My laughter causes him to mirror my behavior and we stand, with unbreakable eye contact, just laughing at the breeze. He reaches to me and pulls me into a hug. I have never touched his skin before. The whole ‘no touching' rule has made that impossible. His arms feel different than I expected. They feel so much more safe than I had assumed. I could stay wrapped in his arms for longer than would be socially acceptable. I look up to him. His face is closer to me than it has ever been before. I lean up and throw all of my thoughts out of the window. I push my lips against his as hard as I can. He pushes back for a second before letting go of the hug and pulling out of the kiss.

"I-uh." He looks at me confused. "I don't like you… like that."

I step away from him. My face flushes red and my breath becomes shallow.

"Oh." My throat grows dryer by the minute. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," he says back to me.

"I'm gonna go…" I stall my words. I don't know how to come back from that awkward encounter.

"Yeah…"

I turn around as quickly as possible and cascade myself out of his room. Fuck.

I'm in a new part of the hospital and I have no idea how to get back to the nurses station but I am going to give my best try because I'd rather get lost in the maze than have to go back and ask Brook for help. I hold the fish in my hand still. I can't even part with this even if I totally misread our entire friendship. I push the thought back. I try to remember back to when we were running, we only took 3 turns. I can do this. I walk past what I can only assume are the men's bedrooms. I walk down until I get to the first intersection. Eenie meanie minie moe. I turn left. I walk down with an unsure look on my face. I just stare at the floor, I know if I look ahead, the enormity of how lost I am will cause anxiety that I don't need right now.

"Ana?" Her voice is the voice of an angel. My savior.

"Nurse Juay?" I look up, trying to find her face but she isn't in my hallway.

"Ana?" She calls out again.

"I'm over here!" I yell back. I start walking quickly trying to make it to the next intersection.

"Where?" She calls back. There is silence for a prolonged period of time. This makes me even more nervous. My palms sweat and coat the fish in slime. Now it feels natural

"Ana!" I hear her yell but it's not from where I am headed. It is behind me. I turn around and see her strutting towards me.

"There you are." She seems slightly angry. I mean, I did run off. I don't know how she'll react so I shove the fish in my pocket. Its slimy body slips easily in but it feels weird against my thigh.

"Sorry," I say already knowing that this won't do much.

"Just come on." She demands. I catch up to her and go right in the intersection. Damn it. Eenie meanie minie moe has failed me.

We walk awkwardly next to each other until the nurses station is in view. Tabitha nervously sits in a chair, staring at the floor. I honestly don't know if she is more worried about me or the baby. When she hears my footsteps, her head jolts up. She stands when she sees me. She clutches her black handbag. She is way too anxious. I think she would benefit from two days here. Nurse Juay walks me up to the counter and hands me a clipboard from it. With it in my hands, I feel all of the power she had over me yesterday. A sly grin comes across my face. I feel victorious. I let myself think that I outsmarted them but the only reason why I can leave early is because I'm pregnant. I totally outsmarted them by not using protection.

"Just sign at the bottom," she says.

I hold the pen against the paper and scribble something resembling my name. I hand it back to her and the sense of freedom is overwhelming. I know I was only here for two days but there is nothing here for me anymore. All I had at the end of it was Brook but now that's just another sore memory.

"Are you ready to go?" Tabitha asks. It's so nice to hear her voice again. She is my sanity majority of the time. I just wish I could always keep her with me like a good luck charm around my wrists.

"Ready as ever."

I groan and rub my stomach. Sleeping peacefully has grown impossible. The more my belly swells, the harder it is to feel comfortable. I don't even know how far along I am at this point. Somewhere around two months, most likely. The birds won't stop chirping.

Maybe if they could get to sleep, I could get too. The sunlight pours on me harder and brighter by the minute. I don't see any progress, any time soon.

"Fucking fine!" I call out to the sleep Gods. I throw the comforter off of me, stand and give the middle finger to the sun. Typical morning, I'd say. I walk out of the room and into the hallway that has no windows. Its cool and dark, the perfect place for a bat like myself. I crouch down and attempt to sit but I just do the pregnant woman roll. Half of my body goes one way and the other half is dragged with the child the other way. I know I am complaining a lot for someone who is barely showing but honestly, I already feel bloated as hell. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in six months. I shudder. Six more months of this and it's going to get worse? Why fuck did I sign up for this. I groan loudly—much louder than I anticipated in fact.

"Are you ok?"

I look towards the voice and I see Tabitha peering out of her bathroom, a curling iron in one hand and half curled strand of hair in the other.

"Yup," I sigh. "This pregnancy thing just sucks."

"Well, you have your appointment today so you'll get some comfort from that."

This throws me off-guard.

"Appointment?"

"Did you forget?" Tabitha asks me.

"I guess just with all of the mental hospital stuff I got lost in all of it," I say, my eyebrows furrowing. "I feel so shitty for forgetting."

I rub my stomach. I don't ever want to forget about my baby. I promise to myself that this will never happen again. Even if I am a terrible person, I will be a wonderful mother. This is the only standard I will place myself under. I am not doing this for me, but them.

"It's really ok," Tabitha chuckles, "It's called 'pregnancy brain,' lots of women experience it."

A cry is heard throughout the upstairs. Margaret has woken up which means that no matter what her mother was initially doing, she has to drop immediately to go tend to her. Tabitha puts the curling iron down gently and brushes back her hair. She takes longer to respond than I assumed she would. Perhaps there is some weird mental thing that makes you start to ignore the kid after a certain amount of time; or she has become immune to the blood curdling yelps. She walks through the hallway, continuing our conversation through the sobs.

"I went to the doctor's without shoes on for my 20 weeks scan," She laughs at herself, "I laugh now but I was pissed then."

I know she is intending to make me feel better but it doesn't help much. I still feel like total trash. She walks into Margaret's nursery and the squealing stops. She walks back out with the toddler in her arms. She bounces gently with the child which seems to calm both of them. I look at Margaret. Her frown is progressively changing to a smile now that she is in her momma's arms. She is so happy and satisfied. Her waning smile reflects the knowledge that she has a loving set of parents who will do anything for her. At such a young age, she knows this. I hope that my baby will know that they will have a loving mother. I may not be able to provide the father figure but I will never abandon my baby.

"Will they be able to tell me if it's a boy or girl?" I ask Tabitha. My eyes remain on Margaret. It is hard to take your eyes off of a giggling 2 year old.