Elisabeth Carpenter - 99 Red Balloons

‘I can’t bear this,’ she says.

‘For fuck’s sake, Mum, can you not let them have a bloody moment together.’

She wobbles her head around until her eyes meet mine.

‘Did you just swear at me?’

‘Yes.’

She raises her eyebrows as though she doesn’t really care.

‘I wasn’t talking about them two. I was talking about everything.’

As she says everything she waves her arms around, splashing drops of vodka over me.

‘Mum!’

She places her drink down on the carpet, and slides off the sofa so she’s on her knees, using them to move towards me. She takes hold of my arm.

‘I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. He said that we were the better option for you. I said to look in the deprived areas.’

‘You’re not making any sense. It’s me: Stephanie.’

‘Maybe it’s not you who I need to apologise to,’ she says.

‘Are you listening to this, Emma?’ I say. ‘She’s getting us mixed up. Do you remember when you were a kid?’

Emma breaks away from Matt, her face wet and her eyes red.

‘Stop it, Stephanie,’ says Mum. ‘There’s no need for Emma to hear this.’

Mum’s putting her hand on my face, she’s trying to cover my mouth, but I bat it away with my arm.

‘Get off her, Mum.’ It’s Emma. She’s always on my side when it’s between Mum and me. ‘What the hell is going on?’

Emma still won’t swear in front of Mum. Always the better daughter than I was – not because she tried, because she didn’t need to.

Mum lets Emma hold her hands, as though she’s defeated.

‘Tell her,’ I say. ‘Tell her about when she came here.’

Mum looks up at me and shakes her head. ‘Don’t do this, Stephanie.’

‘What?’ I shift myself around so I’m no longer next to her. ‘ Me do this? It’s you who’s done this, not me.’

‘Done what?’ Emma’s almost shouting now.

If Nadia hadn’t heard the conversation before, she has now.

‘Tell her!’ I say.

‘Emma isn’t who this is all about.’ Mum’s waving her arms around again.

‘I shouldn’t have to be the one to tell her,’ I say. ‘Please. Do this for me.’

Her face seems to crease as though she’s trying to stop herself from crying. Finally, she nods. She looks at me, but there’s an expression in her eyes – what is it? It’s not hate. Is it compassion?

Nadia kneels between Mum and me. ‘Everything all right here?’

‘Everything’s fine,’ I say. ‘Mum was just about to tell Emma something. About her mother.’

‘Stephanie, I’ve told you. Please don’t do this right now,’ says Mum.

‘Are you kidding me? This woman could have taken Grace. I’d say it’s the right time to talk about this, wouldn’t you?’

‘Stephanie.’ Nadia stands up. ‘Now really isn’t the best time for this.’ She keeps looking at the clock, as though she’s expecting someone and they’re late.

Mum narrows her eyes at her. ‘I’d better call a taxi. I need to get some sleep.’

‘If you could hang on for a minute,’ says Nadia.

‘Why?’ Mum gets up and picks her bag up from the side of the sofa. Nadia steps towards her, grabbing her by the wrists as Mum stumbles to the door.

‘Mum?’ I follow her.

Her hands are shaking; her eyes are locked on Nadia’s. I watch them, my heart pounding. I look to Emma. Her eyes are wide, looking at everyone in the room; she doesn’t know what’s going on either.

‘I don’t understand,’ says Emma.

‘Can you let me tell her?’ Mum says to Nadia.

There are tears running down Emma’s face. What was I thinking? She’s going through enough – she doesn’t need to hear this now.

‘I’m not sure you’ll have time,’ says Nadia.

A blue flashing light illuminates the room.

‘Oh God.’ Mum drops to her knees. ‘I can’t do this, not on my own. Why did you have to leave me, Michael?’

I kneel down beside her. ‘Why are you so scared, Mum? It’s okay. They said Grace might be found.’

‘They’re going to arrest me.’

‘What? Course they’re not, you’ve done nothing wrong.’

She covers her face with her hands.

‘I have. I’ve done something so unforgivable. No one is going to speak to me ever again.’

I stand up.

‘Nadia, what’s she talking about?’

Nadia opens her mouth to speak, but there’s a bang on the front door. She rushes to it.

There’s a trample of feet – three uniformed police officers file into the hallway.

‘Have you found her? Please tell me she’s okay.’ Emma speaks, but she’s ignored. How the hell can they ignore her?

Hines barges past the uniforms.

‘Not yet, Emma, but we think we might know where she’s being held. We received information earlier today that confirmed most of what we already know, but has given more specific details.’

He stands back to let the officers through.

‘I’m afraid this investigation has uncovered a series of events.’ He turns his back on Mum and faces Emma and me. ‘It’s your mum.’ He looks to us both. ‘Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?’

‘Catherine Atkinson’ – a policeman has hold of my mother’s hands – ‘I’m arresting you for the abduction of Zoe Pearson. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say may be…’

‘Zoe? Who the hell is Zoe?’ says Emma, almost screaming.

They’re putting handcuffs on Mum.

‘You can’t do that.’ I’m trying to get their hands off Mum’s wrists. ‘What are you doing?’

She looks up at me – her face wet with tears and mascara.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, almost at a whisper as she’s escorted out of the house.

I rush to follow her. ‘Wait!’ But Nadia takes hold of my arm. I shake it off. ‘What’s this got to do with Mum? Who’s this Zoe?’

‘I think you should sit down.’

Nadia’s looking at me.

Emma’s on the floor, leaning against the armchair, clasping her knees and rocking back and forth.

‘Do you know what they’re talking about?’

She shakes her head. ‘I thought you were all talking about me.’

Nadia guides me to the sofa and sits me down.

I need to get out of this house. I’ve been here too long. This room’s closing in on me. I need to see Jamie. He always grounds me; he’s my reason for breathing. Nadia’s going to tell me something and I don’t want to hear it. Why isn’t it Emma sitting here instead of me? Isn’t it her mum, not mine, that’s in trouble?

‘Do you know about Emma’s mum?’ I say to Nadia, hoping that my words are quiet enough.

Nadia nods.

How can she know that?

I look down at my hands. Of course she knows. She knows all there is to know about my family. Since Grace disappeared they have dug deep into everything.

Nadia’s hand reaches over to mine. It’s a strange feeling. Nadia has never held my hand before – she’s usually so formal. She seems more uncomfortable with it than I am.

‘Do you want me to organise a counsellor for you?’ she says.

‘For me?’ I stand up. ‘Has something happened to Jamie?’

‘No, no.’

‘Then what? Why would you need a counsellor for me? Emma and Matt are here, and their daughter’s missing – why would I need a counsellor?’

She puts her other hand on mine. I want to wrestle free of her.

‘Steph,’ she says. She’s never once called me Steph. ‘I’m just going to say this how I’ve been told. So bear with me. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘After we’d put the photo up of the man who was with Grace, we had a tip-off that it was in fact a relative of yours who had taken her. You will not know this relative because—’ Nadia takes a deep breath. ‘Because you were abducted when you were five years old. You are Zoe Pearson, and you were taken from a street in Preston as you were getting sweets from a shop. You were taken to Germany to a family in the forces eleven months after they had lost their own child, a girl called Stephanie.’