Kay Hooper - The Wizard Of Seattle

"Males have rarely accepted celibacy as a way of life. You know that. Only religion seems a historically acceptable reason to forgo sex, and the jury's still out on just how successful that's been." Merlin shrugged. "My ancestors were afraid, but dearly not so terrified that they elected to go without one of life's pleasures. So, as you say, they arranged matters to provide reasonable access to 'safe' women. The practice is virtually the same now as it was in ancient times. There are… houses scattered all over the world."

"Where's the one you go to?"

He raised his eyes to meet hers across the flames. "Northern California."

"So far from Seattle? I'm surprised you haven't made more convenient arrangements."

"Serena, I'm sorry this upsets you, but you did ask. I'm trying to be honest about it."

He was right, and Serena knew it. She got a grip on the painful emotions and struggled to keep the hurt and dismay out of her voice. "Yes, I know. Forgive me, it's just… it sounds so damned cold-blooded."

Evenly Merlin said, "Knowing what I do now, I agree, but until we came here, I had no idea where or why the practice had originated among wizards because I never questioned it. Try to understand how I was raised, please. I was taught to always be in control, to waste as little energy as possible on unnecessary emotions and needless complications. To take care of my physical needs as efficiently as possible in the way that had always been accomplished.'"

It was chilling to hear him explain what sounded like a horrible upbringing, and Serena had to remind herself that there were prices, as well as rewards, for being a wizard. "So it seemed normal to you to travel to northern California whenever you needed sex and spend a few hours with some woman you knew only in the biblical sense."

"So normal I never thought twice about it. At least…" He hesitated, then continued quietly. "These last years my visits to the house became less and less… satisfying even as they became more frequent. Sex had always been no more than a physical release, never touching my emotions and hardly causing a ripple in my life, but lately even that was a fleeting pleasure that did little to drain the tension I felt."

"Why was that?" Serena was trying hard to match his dispassionate tone.

"I didn't know why, not then. Not until that night, when your consciousness slipped into mine. I felt your shock and your pain, and it forced me to think about what I was doing."

"I'm glad something positive came out of it," she muttered almost to herself. "I practically wrecked my room when I came back to myself."

"You always were very… intense in your emotions, Serena. Maybe that was why your feelings affected me so profoundly that night. You made me realize the wrongness of what I was doing. Not the act itself, but the fact that I was having sex with another woman… when you were the one I really wanted."

"You hid it very well," she managed. "Before then- and when you came home after that night."

"I had to. Everything inside me insisted it was wrong for me to feel anything for you, especially desire."

Serena pulled her gaze from his intent one and looked out over the valley. The Curtain was a glimmering blanket lying heavily over the dark valley below, and she gratefully drew a deep breath of the clear, crisp air. It was a relief to escape the smothering nightly exhaustion she had endured in Sanctuary.

"Have I answered all your questions, Serena?"

"About the blond? I suppose." She didn't look at him. "You really didn't feel anything for her, did you? Or for the others over the years."

"No."

"I almost wish you had."

"I know."

Serena looked at him finally, finding his firelit face drawn and grim. She could feel his tension, and he still had that braced stiffness of a man awaiting a blow of some kind. Hesitantly but truthfully she said, "Sometimes I had the sense there was something lacking in you, something missing, but I didn't want to believe it."

"Now you know it's true." Merlin's brief smile didn't touch his eyes. "God forgive me, I never felt very much about anyone in my life until you came along. I even treated both my parents with the distant courtesy of strangers. Perhaps I can one day make amends with my father-if he permits it, of course, and he probably won't-but I'll never have the chance to tell my mother how sorry I am that I wasn't a better son."

Serena got to her feet and went around the fire to kneel beside him. She felt a bit diffident, but since he seemed willing to talk, she had to take advantage of the opportunity. The only way she could get close to him was to make the attempt. "This isolation you're describing-it's more than a taboo against women, isn't it?"

Recalling his discussion with Tremayne, Merlin nodded. He turned slightly to face Serena, wishing she didn't look so alluring in the firelight. Just the sight of her caught at his breathing and made his heart beat faster. It was difficult to think, especially when he remembered so vividly how her erotic lips felt under his, but he wasn't willing to do anything to risk disturbing this interlude of honesty.

"Wizards have always been solitary creatures, holding others at a distance emotionally. In our time it's especially true; all the other wizards I know are nearly emotionless, and I… I'm not much better." He shrugged. "Perhaps it's because power is such a dangerous thing and ours can escape us if we aren't careful, or because so much of what we are is inside us and has to be controlled so strictly. Whatever the reason, our inward gaze makes it all but impossible to reach out to others. And when we do, the contact tends to be very shallow, casual, and more than a little dispassionate."

Frowning, she said, "We never see ourselves dearly, but I don't think I'm like that. Am I?"

"No, you aren't. You reach out to others easily and often, Serena; that's obvious from the number of friends you have in Seattle."

"Then why am I different? I'm a wizard, too."

"Judging by what we've observed here, being a woman may have something to do with it. The female wizards here seem more able to accept friendships and are less wary with each other than the males I've encountered." He remembered Varian's seemingly endless number of sons, all of whom had displayed loyalty to, and fear of, their father but had clearly viewed one another with a strong suspicion despite being related by blood. There was a revolt just waiting for the right moment, Merlin thought, then brushed the memory aside to concentrate on answering Serena's question.

"But I believe there's another reason, as well. The first sixteen years of your life weren't influenced by the formal, rigid training that I and most other wizards of our time were expected to endure. By the time you came to me, much of your personality was already set, unaffected by ancient laws or beliefs and restrained by nothing except your innate self-control."

He smiled slightly. "You were like a breath of fresh air in my life, Serena. You were willing to work hard and wanted with every fiber of your being to be a wizard-yet at the same time you had no intention of being only a wizard. You questioned the rules and turned many of the ancient customs upside down, and generally maddened me. However emotionless I'd been trained to be, my composure was attacked on all sides by your intensity and enthusiasm."

She couldn't help smiling back at him. "Should I apologize for that?"

"No." Seriously he added, "It will no doubt take you longer to reach your full potential as a wizard than it would have if you had begun the training as a child, but in the end you'll be a much better wizard than I am in many ways. You have the gift of humanity, Serena, and that's something no amount of learning or training can produce."