Kay Hooper - The Wizard Of Seattle

She wanted to cry suddenly, but managed to sniff back the tendency. Seeing Merlin in this new and definitely more vulnerable light was both unnerving and moving; he knew there was something lacking in him, something she possessed in abundance, and he was willing to be honest about that with her. She hadn't dared to hope he would let her in like this. Before she could speak, he went on quietly.

"If you hadn't come into my life, I would probably never have noticed anything missing. But you did. And while I tried to teach you how to be a wizard, you taught me about things I hadn't even realized I needed to know."

What could she say to that? A bit unsteadily she murmured, "I usually felt terribly ignorant and frustrated when I couldn't do the things that seemed to come so easy to you."

"I know." He reached over and touched her cheek lightly, just a fleeting contact, and the hard, firelit planes and angles of his face seemed to soften. "But if you only knew how astonishing you've always seemed to me. Serena, you're impatient and emotional and sometimes wildly erratic, and you haven't been in training even half your life-yet your accomplishments are nothing short of incredible. You're going to be a Master wizard, probably seventh degree, and if it takes you a little longer to achieve that level, the difference will be that when you get there, you'll be complete. Whole. With nothing lacking."

Serena drew a breath, surprised by the tribute. "I never knew what you thought about my abilities."

"No. I kept my beliefs to myself. If you had known, you would have tried to use them against me."

She started to object, but her indignation was shortlived. "I probably would have at that," she admitted somewhat ruefully. "It always was hell trying to get my way when you were opposed to something I wanted to do."

"If it's any comfort, your attempts were always charming rather than petulant, and I consider it a character-building exercise that I was able to withstand you."

His dry tone made her laugh, but it was a brief sound of amusement. All during the conversation she had been trying to figure out what was wrong. He was being astonishingly open and honest with her, which definitely gave her hope, and yet he was still restrained-not guarded exactly, but as if he was waiting for something unpleasant to happen. Serena was almost sure it wasn't because he had to fight to make himself drop his guard with her. This was something else.

"Richard, what's the matter? I mean, I'm glad we can be so honest with each other finally, but… what is it you aren't telling me? Why are you so tense?"

He turned his head to gaze into the fire, avoiding her eyes, and countered her question with careful words of his own. "Down in the ruins I felt you pull back, and I could see the restraint in your eyes. The reluctance. Then you asked about the blond as if she'd been on your mind all along, and it seemed to me you were horrified by what you heard when I answered your questions. So I can't help wondering if… anything… has changed for you."

"Did you think it would?"

"It crossed my mind." His lips twisted slightly, and he continued to gaze into the fire.

Serena stared at his profile, aware that his tension was greater now. But he had surprised her, and it took her a moment or so to find her voice. "Do you really believe love is so fragile? Richard, if finding out you have the ability to take away my powers wasn't enough to change how I feel about you, how could anything else do it?"

He looked at her finally, and his face was still, unexpressive. But there was a hint, just a hint, of vulnerability in his eyes.

Instinctively she reached out, taking one of his hands in both of hers because she needed to touch him. "When you explained who that blond woman was, what I mostly felt was jealousy," she admitted. "That's how I've felt about her all along. Finding out she's a… a paid bedmate didn't really change that." She paused, then added deliberately, "Of course, if you go back to her, I'll cut your liver out."

Merlin smiled slightly. "Will you?"

"Yes. Or do my best to turn you into a toad. And we won't even discuss what I'll do to her . Remember those intense emotions of mine."

His long fingers twined with hers. "Thanks for the warning."

"Don't mention it." Serena kept her voice grave. "As for what happened in the ruins, I pulled back- very reluctantly-because I thought we were rushing things a bit. And because you were still struggling against that damned taboo."

"You felt that?"

She lifted his hand quickly and brushed her lips across his knuckles in a fleeting caress. "I could almost see it. Richard, what we need isn't more time-we've had plenty of that in every sense of the word-but more understanding of each other, and more willingness to be honest like this. If we become lovers before we're ready to be, I think it'll destroy us both."

He nodded. "You're saying that what we're really lacking is trust, aren't you? At least… trust on my part."

Serena hesitated, but only briefly. "In all trust lies the possibility of betrayal. We put ourselves at risk when we care about someone, because we trust them not to hurt us. Not to betray our confidence in them." She took a quick breath and let it out slowly. "For a while-not very long-my trust in you was put to the test. I found out what you could do to me, and it was terrifying, especially when I heard so many tales of how brutal the male wizards here were. But it was relatively easy for me to hold on to my trust in you, Richard, because you had never hurt me and because you had gone to the extraordinary lengths of traveling back in time to try and change history so you wouldn't have to take my powers."

"You don't fear I'll betray you?"

"No. But even if I were afraid of that possibility, I'd still trust you. I'd take the risk. I don't have the luxury of doing anything else. A part of falling in love with you is being vulnerable." She hesitated, then added quietly, "Don't you see, Richard? You wouldn't have to take my powers as a wizard to destroy me. You can do that as a man. It wouldn't be hard at all."

In the firelight her green eyes were mysterious pools, dark and bottomless. He thought again of how seductive the notion was of losing himself in them- and this time there was no fear of the idea. He leaned toward her, and her erotic lips were soft and silky and warm under his. He kept his eyes just barely open, and through her lashes he could see the gleam of her eyes.

The kiss was not brief, but it was more tender than passionate, careful and sweet.

When he finally eased back, Merlin tried to control a voice that insisted on emerging huskily. "It would be impossible, Serena. I don't ever want to hurt you. And more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, I want to trust you."

She smiled at him. "Then that's enough for now. We'll find the rest, I know we will."

Merlin hoped she was right; he didn't know how much more of this he could stand. For a man who had been virtually isolated and unemotional for most of his life, he was certainly making up for the lack now.

Serena released his hand reluctantly and said, "I haven't had a decent night's sleep since we got here, so I think I should take advantage of being above the Curtain. If you don't mind…"

He gestured slightly, and a comfortable lean-to appeared several feet back from the fire in the shelter of a granite outcropping.

She looked, then returned her gaze to him. "There's only one," she noted neutrally.

"I'm not very sleepy," he told her, wryly conscious of understatement. "If I change my mind, it's easy enough to conjure another or a cushion by the fire. Besides… I'm a little apprehensive about Varian. He gave in far too easily, from what I know of him. It wouldn't surprise me if he was somewhere about trying to find you."