Stephenie Meyer - The Host

“But you’re not in a man’s body.”

“See? That’s my point. Body and soul. Two different things, in my case.”

“I wouldn’t want it without you.”

“You wouldn’t want me without it. ”

He touched my cheek again and left his hand there, his thumb under my jaw. “But this body is part of you, too. It’s part of who you are. And, unless you change your mind and turn us all in, it’s who you will always be.”

Ah, the finality of it. Yes, I would die in this body. The final death.

And I will never live in it again, Melanie whispered.

It’s not how either of us planned our future, is it?

No. Neither of us planned to have no future.

“Another internal conversation?” Ian guessed.

“We’re thinking of our mortality.”

“You could live forever if you left us.”

“Yes, I could.” I sighed. “You know, humans have the shortest life span of any species I’ve ever been, except the Spiders. You have so little time.”

“Don’t you think, then…” Ian paused and leaned closer to me so that I couldn’t seem to see anything around his face, just snow and sapphire and ink. “That maybe you should make the most of what time you have? That you should live while you’re alive?”

I didn’t see it coming the way I had with Jared. Ian was not as familiar to me. Melanie realized what he was going to do before I did, just a second before his lips touched mine.

No!

It wasn’t like kissing Jared. With Jared, there was no thought, only desire. No control. A spark to gasoline-inevitable. With Ian, I didn’t even know what I felt. Everything was muddled and confused.

His lips were soft and warm. He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.

“Good or bad?” he whispered against my lips.

Bad! Bad, bad!

“I-I can’t think.” When I moved my mouth to speak, he moved his with it.

“That sounds… good.”

His mouth pressed down with more force now. He caught my lower lip between his and pulled on it gently.

Melanie wanted to hit him-so much more than she’d wanted to punch Jared. She wanted to shove him away and then kick his face. The image was horrible. It conflicted jarringly with the sensation of Ian’s kiss.

“Please,” I whispered.

“Yes?”

“Please stop. I can’t think. Please.”

He sat back at once, clasping his hands in front of him. “Okay,” he said, his tone cautious.

I pressed my hands against my face, wishing I could push out Melanie’s anger.

“Well, at least nobody punched me.” Ian grinned.

“She wanted to do more than that. Ugh. I don’t like it when she’s mad. It hurts my head. Anger is so… ugly.”

“Why didn’t she?”

“Because I didn’t lose control. She only breaks free when I’m… overwhelmed.”

He watched as I kneaded my forehead.

Calm down, I begged her. He’s not touching me.

Has he forgotten that I’m here? Doesn’t he care? This is me, it’s me!

I tried to explain that.

What about you? Have you forgotten Jared?

She threw the memories at me the way she’d done in the beginning, only this time they were like blows. A thousand punches of his smile, his eyes, his lips on mine, his hands on my skin…

Of course not. Have you forgotten that you don’t want me to love him?

“She’s talking to you.”

“Yelling at me,” I corrected.

“I can tell now. I can see you concentrate on the conversation. I never noticed before today.”

“She’s not always this vocal.”

“I am sorry, Melanie,” he said. “I know this must be impossible for you.”

Again, she visualized smashing her foot into his sculpted nose, leaving it crooked like Kyle’s. Tell him I don’t want his apologies.

I winced.

Ian half smiled, half grimaced. “She doesn’t accept.”

I shook my head.

“So she can break free? If you’re overwhelmed?”

I shrugged. “Sometimes, if she takes me by surprise and I’m too… emotional. Emotion makes it hard to concentrate. But it’s been more difficult for her lately. It’s like the door between us is locked. I don’t know why. I tried to let her out when Kyle -” I stopped talking abruptly, grinding my teeth together.

“When Kyle tried to kill you,” he finished matter-of-factly. “You wanted her free? Why?”

I just stared at him.

“To fight him?” he guessed.

I didn’t answer.

He sighed. “Okay. Don’t tell me. Why do you think the… door is locked?”

I frowned. “I don’t know. Maybe the time passing… It worries us.”

“But she broke through before, to punch Jared.”

“Yes.” I shuddered at the memory of my fist striking his jaw.

“Because you were overwhelmed and emotional?”

“Yes.”

“What did he do? Just kiss you?”

I nodded.

Ian flinched. His eyes tightened.

“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”

“When Jared kisses you, you are… overwhelmed by emotion.”

I stared at him, worried by the expression on his face. Melanie enjoyed it. That’s right!

He sighed. “And when I kiss you… you aren’t sure if you like it. You are not… overwhelmed.”

“Oh.” Ian was jealous. How very strange this world was. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I told you I’d give you time, and I don’t mind waiting for you to think things through. I don’t mind that at all.”

“What do you mind?” Because he minded something very much.

He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “I saw how you loved Jamie. That was always really obvious. I guess I should have seen that you loved Jared, too. Maybe I didn’t want to. It makes sense. You came here for the two of them. You love them both, the same way Melanie did. Jamie like a brother. And Jared…”

He was looking away, staring at the wall over me. I had to look away, too. I stared at the sunlight where it touched the red door.

“How much of that is Melanie?” he wanted to know.

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

I could barely hear his answer. “Yes. It does to me.” Without looking at me or seeming to notice what he was doing, Ian took my hand again.

It was very quiet for a minute. Even Melanie was still. That was nice.

Then, as though a switch had been flipped, Ian was his normal self again. He laughed.

“Time is on my side,” he said, grinning. “We’ve got the rest of our lives in here. One day you’ll wonder what you ever saw in Jared.”

In your dreams.

I laughed with him, happy he was joking again.

“Wanda? Wanda, can I come in?”

Jamie’s voice started from down the hall and, accompanied by the sound of his jogging steps, ended right outside the door.

“Of course, Jamie.”

I already had my hand held out to him before he shrugged the door aside. I hadn’t seen him nearly enough lately. Unconscious or crippled, I hadn’t been free to seek him out.

“Hey, Wanda! Hey, Ian!” Jamie was all grins, his messy hair bouncing when he moved. He headed for my reaching hand, but Ian was in his way. So he settled for sitting on the edge of my mattress and resting his hand on my foot. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

“Hungry yet? There’s beef jerky and corn on the cob! I could get you some.”

“I’m okay for now. How are you? I haven’t seen you much lately.”

Jamie made a face. “Sharon gave me detention.”

I smiled. “What did you do?”

“Nothing. I was totally framed.” His innocent expression was a bit overdone, and he quickly changed the subject. “Guess what? Jared was saying at lunch that he didn’t think it was fair for you to have to move out of the room you were used to. He said we weren’t being good hosts. He said you should move back in with me! Isn’t that great? I asked him if I could tell you right away, and he said that was a good idea. He said you would be in here.”