Christopher Moore - Bite Me

Marvin ruffed three times fast, “Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit.” Then, as he pulled Cavuto around the corner and smelled the fourth dead one he ruffed again. “Another biscuit.” Then, mission accomplished. He sat.

“Marvin!” Abby said. She dropped the empty blood bag and scratched between his ears, then fed him a Gummi bear.

Rivera came around the corner with his Glock drawn. Jody stood, reached past the gun, and snagged the battery out of the cop’s inside pocket. Abby did the same to Cavuto, who leveled a long orange Super Soaker at her.

“Really, Ass Bear?” she said. “Really?” She snatched the squirt gun out of his hand and backhanded it a full block down the street where it shattered.

“I have a gun on you, Missy,” said Rivera.

“Biscuit,” Marvin ruffed. Clearly there are three dead people here and part of a fourth, and biscuits are in order.

Jody snatched Rivera’s Glock out of his hand so quickly he was still in aiming position when she popped the clip out of it. Cavuto started to draw the big Desert Eagle and Abby caught his arm and leaned in close. “Ninja, please, unless you’re going to use that to take your own life out of humiliation for the squirt gun, just let it go.” She turned and looked at Tommy, who was sitting splayed-legged on the sidewalk, holding his ribs. “This fucking vampy power rocks my deepest dark.” Then back to Cavuto. “I’d slap you around a little, but I’m feeling kinda nauseous.”

“Yeah,” said Cavuto. “I get that. That’s how I know you’re around.”

“So you three are, all, uh, them,” said Rivera.

“Not exactly them, ” Tommy said. “Jody just took the top off the head of one of them .” He pointed at the charred brainpan.

“He was about to take you out with a sniper rifle,” Abby said. “That’s why I called. Thanks for just doing what I said and not being an assbag, by the way.”

“You’ll find the rest of him along with the rifle on the roof,” Jody said.

“That’s who called in the vampire cat attack?” Cavuto said.

Tommy nodded. “There are at least three of them. Maybe two, now. Very old. They came in that black yacht that’s down at Pier Nine. They are cleaning up the mess Elijah left. They must know you guys are hunting Chet and the vampire cats.”

“He must have seen us last night, with the Animals. We thought the cats got Barry.”

Tommy climbed to his feet. “Barry’s dead?”

“Sorry,” Rivera said. “So they know about the Animals, too?”

Tommy said, “The Animals were the ones who took Elijah’s art collection and blew up his yacht. Of course, they know about the Animals.”

“We’ve got to get over there,” Rivera said. “They’ll be hunting the Emperor, too. He’s been calling all day about a black ship. I thought it was just more craziness. I don’t even know where to start looking for him.”

Jody handed Rivera back his gun and the battery to his jacket. “Wire those back up as soon as you get back in your car. They work.”

Marvin let go with a barrage of barking, which translated, “I have found some dead people and I am going to make a fuss if I don’t get a biscuit and the ear-scratch girl is dead and sick.”

“Easy, Marvin,” Abby said. She steadied herself against the big dog and Cavuto caught her by the arm to keep her from falling. “I really don’t feel good.” She crumpled to the sidewalk. Tommy caught her in time to keep her head from hitting the concrete. “My tail kind of hurts.”

Jody snatched Rivera’s gun out of his hand again. “Give Tommy your car keys.”

“What! No!”

Jody smacked Rivera’s jacket, heard a jingle, then reached in his pocket and took the keys. Rivera stood there like he was five, being dressed by his mother. Jody threw the keys to Tommy.

“Take her to the loft. Foo will still be there. Maybe he can change her back in time.”

“Where are you going?” Tommy said.

“I’m going to the ship. Maybe I can stop one of them there. They’re going to come to the loft, so be ready.”

“Not so fast, Red,” said Cavuto.

“You will shut the fuck up!” Jody said. “You guys are six blocks from the Marina Safeway. The Animals should be at work, or will be there in a few minutes. That’s where I went when I wanted to find them, that’s where these vampires will go. So shag ass over there and warn them. Wire the batteries back into your jackets on the way there or they’ll have you for lunch. Call for another car if you need to, but we just saved your lives and your car is ours.”

Rivera smiled. “I’m okay with that.”

Cavuto said, “You are?”

Tommy picked Abby up and held her with one arm while he reached into her messenger bag, took out her phone, and handed it to Jody. “Call Foo, tell him we’re coming.”

“I will. Be careful.” She kissed him. “Save our minion.”

“Got it,” Tommy said.

Marvin whimpered at them as they went away, which translated to, “I’m worried about the ear-scratching dead girl with the Gummi bears.”

She stood under the eave of a post office that looked out on the Safeway parking lot, watching the old man with the dogs pounding at the door. Well, that would make seven. She knew she should wait for the others, but what fun was there in that. A lean black guy let the old man and his dogs into the store, then locked the door behind him.

She moved to the side of the building, then along the front behind a long train of shopping carts, where she could look through the windows without being seen herself. They were spread out, each working an aisle to himself. She really should call for the others. Neither would be that far away, but she did so little on her own anymore. She examined the window. Thick Plexiglas, she wasn’t going through that. She could kick the door down, of course, but then they would run and there’d be chasing and if any got away Rolf would pout with disapproval for months. Not that she wasn’t beyond pouting herself. She once awakened to find Bella and Rolf merged together in mist without her and refused to take solid form for a year except to feed.

That was how they began each night, merged in mist form, still inside their titanium chamber, experiencing every corner of each other’s consciousness, every memory, every emotion, every want, every fear-complete knowing, complete intimacy. After an hour or so, they would assume their solid forms, then leave the chamber and feed, or watch a video of a sunrise or sunset. That was it! Mist. She would go into the store by stealth. Except for the one with the dogs, they were all young men, weren’t they? She knew she could hold the rapt attention of a young man. She’d take each one, drain him without the others even knowing what happened, then share the experience with Rolf and Bella tomorrow night. It was always fun to bring something new and dangerous to their night.

She wouldn’t be able to wear her special suit, or take any of the weapons, but it was just as well. She couldn’t leave bodies. Seven. She’d be as full as a tick, ready to pop. She checked that none of them was by the door, hid her weapons under the shopping carts, then lay down and oozed out of the Kevlar bodysuit, across the sidewalk, and under the door.

Rock and roll was blasting out of the PA system, filling the store with a relentless chainsaw rhythm guitar that drowned all other sound. She swirled around the registers, then started to make her way across the aisles. The first two were empty, then in the third, the old man was sitting all by himself on a milk crate. Scented candles were lit up and down either side of the aisle, as if someone had laid out a landing strip. She could sense the others around her, but her perceptions weren’t as sharp in mist form and the odor and heat from the candles made it nearly impossible to tell how far away they were. Their heartbeats and breathing were lost in the music, but there was blood in the air. All over in the air. She floated up to the ceiling, where she could see over the tops of the shelf gondolas. There were two of them working on the other side of the store, bobbing in time to the music.