Christopher Moore - Bite Me

“It burns like hell,” Jody said.

“Yes, it does. And I could cut you in half with this before you could get to me. That’s the problem with light weapons, they don’t have range and it doesn’t take much to stop them. Like this suit, for instance. I mean, this thing has a UV light on it, but that’s just to keep you from turning to mist. Can you do that, fledgling?”

“That’s what Elijah called me,” Jody said.

“That’s what he called all of us in our day.”

Jody tried to figure out how to get to the woman. She knew she could move impossibly fast for a human, but this was another vampire, a very old vampire. She had once squared off against Elijah thinking all things were equal among vampires and he’d nearly ended her.

As if she was reading Jody’s thoughts the vampire fired her weapon and Jody felt her other arm light up with pain from shoulder to elbow.

“Ouch. Fuck. You bitch!”

“Bella, not bitch. And what were you going to do to me, fledgling? Do you have any idea what you’ve done? We have been together hundreds of years. You ended pieces of history. You took parts of me.”

She fired again and Jody’s right leg gave way.

“What do you mean, pieces?”

“You don’t know what it is to merge with another being then? With a lover? We were lovers, Rolf, Makeda, and me, for hundreds of years, and now they are gone.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Both are gone, I could feel it. Funny, I didn’t know I was always aware of their presence until they were gone. Not an hour ago. I’m alone now. I should let you live if only because we’ve lost two. There are fewer than a hundred of us, fledgling, and you might have been one of us.”

“I didn’t know,” Jody said.

“I don’t even care anymore. Maybe I’ll just kill you and lie down and wait for the sun to come up. I’ll never even know what happened.”

“Trust me, that’s not as painless as you think it is,” Jody said.

“Don’t!” said Bella. She raised her weapon again but this time, when the little UV light came on, Jody pushed off with her good leg, did a high backflip, and fell six stories to the courtyard below.

She expected to feel bone-crushing pain, hear the crackle of vertebrae, maybe even the crunch of her skull, but instead she felt warm water envelop her. She had landed in the Bay Club’s pool, which meant she must have launched herself a good forty feet away from the roof. Her predator mind, the one that had risen to tell her that the City was hers, now kicked in, assessing survival. She was under water, that was good. The pellet weapon wouldn’t penetrate the water more than a foot before losing it’s effectiveness. Plus, the pool water was flushing out whatever heinous chemical had been burning her. She felt herself healing, even as she hovered at the bottom of the pool. She could stay there indefinitely without breathing if necessary.

The bad news was that Bella was still up there, and as soon as Jody left the water, the good news would end. It was very unlikely she could take the older vampire hand-to-hand, even if she could get past the pellet weapon, but she could run. Even if she was no faster than Bella, she knew this neighborhood. She’d worked here for years, and she wasn’t three blocks from Okata’s dismal little apartment.

She dug in her jacket pocket and found Abby’s phone. It was a weatherized model and the screen was still showing the time. Still four hours until sunup, and that was a guess. She had to cut it extremely close, but if she could bolt away from the Raven with just enough time to find shelter herself, but not enough time for Bella, she just might get away. And maybe in the meantime, Rivera and Cavuto would call out a S.W.A.T. team to storm the black ship. Or the Animals would blow it up, like they had Elijah’s yacht. Maybe Bella would dive into the water after her, although losing the high ground would take away a distinct advantage. Maybe one of the people in the apartments above would look down and think there was a body in the pool, and she could make her escape when the EMTs came to rescue her.

That’s it. She assumed the yoga posture called “down-floating corpse” and waited, listening for any disturbance that might indicate she had company in the pool, and concentrated on her wound healing. Maybe if she healed enough she could go to mist and sneak out that way. She hadn’t moved a lot in mist form, nor had she ever changed under water and she wasn’t sure she could, but it might be worth a try.

A shadow fell across the bottom of the pool, cast by the mercury lights above, and she flipped over to see Bella moving catlike at the edge of the pool.

Then again, maybe not.

He’d watched them slaughter all of his fellow vampire cats and instead of running, as would have been his feline instinct, he tracked the killers, which was behavior born entirely of his human side. The three sides of his nature were in constant conflict. Even now, his cat side hated water, and wanted to flee, but his human side felt hate rising and wanted to attack. The vampire side told him to remain hidden, to approach in stealth, as mist, but his cat side told him to pounce, rip her throat out with claw and fang. It occurred to him, as he watched from the roof of the Bay Club as she paced around the pool in her skin-tight black suit, that water or no water, revenge or no revenge, he was going to hump the bejezus out of her before any other action took place. There was part tomcat in all of his natures.

He’d started his pack by mating with any female in heat, then they turned males, and so on. And he continued his undead romp through the alleys and backyards of San Francisco, but as he grew larger, and the human part of him manifested, he was just too big to finish the deed. If he fed on them, they went to dust before he got to hump them, and if humped them, they didn’t survive for him to feed on them, and he’d humped a bunch of cats to death before he figured that out. It turned out, size did matter.

But here was the perfect solution. Moving strong and sexy, just the right size-he could lock his jaws on her neck and have at it, then drink her blood or bite her head off as the whim hit him, and all the time that horrible weapon would be pointed away from him.

He went to mist and oozed down the side of the building in a stream that blended with the night fog creeping in off the Bay.

Jody just happened to be looking up at Bella’s watery silhouette against the mercury light when she saw another shape appear behind Bella, leap on her back, and pull her away from the edge of the pool. Jody was not going to sit around checking references, whatever that thing was, it was an ally.

She came out of the water like a rocket, and in two steps she leapt to the top of the twelve-foot security fence and looked back. Something had pulled Bella around and now had her face-down on the pavement and appeared to be humping the bejezus out of her.

Jody knew she shouldn’t, but she paused. Big kitty ears, big kitty tail, big kitty sinking his fangs into the back of Bella’s neck. Kitty was as big as Bella, maybe a little bigger. Chet. Bad kitty, Jody thought.

Bella shrieked, then launched herself backward with her arms, lifting both of them into the air, where they did a half-backflip and landed on the concrete with Chet’s back as the point of impact. He let go with his jaws and Bella spun around and let loose with the pellet weapon. Chet yowled and jerked on the ground. Bella strafed his neck, which dissolved instantly into a mass of goo. He stopped moving.

Jody had seen enough. She leapt off the fence to the sidewalk and took off into the financial district, taking a right at the next corner, then a left, going as fast as her legs would carry her-to hell with someone seeing. She tried to go to mist, but couldn’t. Either the fear or her injuries were stopping her. She could hear Bella’s footsteps behind her, a block away, now less than a block. What was the range of that pellet weapon anyway?