Christopher Moore - Bite Me

And he’s all, “No, Abby, you have rat DNA tied in with your vampirism, the same way Chet has human DNA.”

And I’m all, “Nuh-uh.”

And he’s all, “You have to come back here. Abby, I know you have a tail.”

And I’m like, “Fucksocks,” and I offed my phone.

So when Flood and I come to in the shed on the roof, I’m like, “We may need to check in with Foo.”

And Flood is like, “Call him and tell him that there are old vampyres here to clean up. He needs to be ready. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

And I’m like, “I’ll text him. I’m not speaking to him right now.”

So, like, Tommy showed me how you couldn’t run too fast, or someone would notice something was up, so you had to sort of go in bursts and I wasn’t supposed to jump over cars and whatnot because that shit is a dead giveaway that you are nosferatu. Although I did “rawr” some tourists on the cable car, because they needed it. And if you ask them they will all be, “She was très scary, and back in Cowfuck, Nebraska, we know that ‘rawr’ is totally a thing because we have family values and whatnot.”

So after running in bursts for like three blocks I rawred down a cab that was halted by my awesome dark powers and the hundred-dollar bill I was waving, and we rode to the love lair, where Jared let us in.

And Jared was all, “OMG, OMG, OMFG, Abs, the rats are dead!”

And I’m like, “Not news. Awesome vamp robot pirate ship, equals news.”

And Jared is like, “For realz?”

And I’m like, “Totes.”

And he kind of does a gayboy squee that was a little embarrassing, so I’m all, “Where’s Foo?”

And Foo comes out of the bedroom and I go to kiss him and he sort of stops and holds up his little blood vials, like, “Oh, no kisses, Abby, I have breakables.” So I backed off.

And he’s like, “Abby we need to change you back. Right away.”

And I’m like, “No way, Foo. I am finished with your petty human weakness.”

And he like waves to all the rat boxes, and all the rats are just lying in the bottom of them. And I’m all, “So?”

And Foo’s like, “They just dropped, within hours of each other. There’s some incompatibility with the vampyre virus.”

“It’s a virus?” goes Tommy.

And Foo’s all, “I don’t know exactly what it is, but it binds to the host DNA and it carries the DNA to the infected.”

And I’m like, “So?”

And that’s when Foo blurts out that I have a tail to Flood, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die, except for it being redundant.

Then Jared’s like, “Would you guys like something to drink? Some blood or something?”

And I’m like, “No thanks, I had a pigeon.”

And Flood is like, “Yes, I’ll have some.”

And he’s about to take a sip from a wineglass that Jared poured, and I see his fangs, which are très sexy now that he’s not ripping my throat out with them, and he’s like, “Oh, Abby, if this turns out to be drugged, tear Steve’s arms off.”

And I’m like, “’Kay,” then to Foo, I’m like, “Rawr. Shut up.”

And Foo’s like, “It’s not drugged.”

So we tell Foo and Jared about the ship and the old vampyres and how they are here to clean house, and about what the Kona guy said about second generation vampyres.

And Foo’s like, “That’s you, Tommy.”

And Flood is like, “I know. I have to find Jody. And you and Jared need to get away from this apartment. Go somewhere, stay until you hear it’s all clear or the Raven leaves.”

And Foo is like, “How did you think to go to the dock anyway?”

So we told him about Madame Natasha and the sunken ship in the north end of the City and whatnot, and he’s all rolling his eyes, because he doesn’t believe in magic, despite the fact that he’s rolling his eyes at two vampyres.

And he’s like, “Did you try the Sunken Ship?”

And we’re like, “Whaaaa?”

And he’s like, “It’s a bar down on Jackson Street. It was built on top of one of the Gold Rush ships that was abandoned there. You can still see the ribs of the ship in the basement.”

And Flood’s like, “The Sunken Ship? That’s what it’s called?”

And I’m like, “Kind of obvious.”

And Flood’s like, “We need to go there.”

And Foo’s all, “No, I have to change you both back. You could drop any minute.”

So I go, “As if. We have to find the Countess.”

And Tommy’s all, “After. All that after.”

So Foo goes, “Well, then take these.” And he gives Flood and me each a thing that looks like an aluminum flashlight with a blue glass erection.

And I’m all, “Uh, we can see in the dark, and heat, and we have someone on retainer who can see into the future, so, thanks, but…”

“They’re UV lasers,” goes Foo, in the middle of my dismissal. “They use them to fuse UV sensitive polymers in vacuum chambers.”

And Tommy looks at me like, “What?” And I look at him like, “No fucking idea.”

So Foo runs on like, “They would just burn me or Jared if you held it on us, like a high-intensity sunlamp. But you’d have to hold it there for about five seconds.”

So Flood looks at me like, “What?” And I look at him like, “I got nothing.”

So Foo takes Tommy’s flashlight from him and he goes, “Like this.” And he points the flashlight at one of the dead rat boxes and it busts out with this intense blue beam and whoosh instant rat charcoal.

So Flood and I are like, “Oh.”

“You can’t just leave them on like the UV jackets. They work with a capacitor that builds a charge and lets go with a two-second burst, but you can probably cut a vamp in half in that time. I made them for Rivera and Cavuto.”

And Tommy goes, “Well don’t give one to them, for fuck’s sake, they’re hunting me and Jody.”

“And me,” I go.

“And me,” goes Jared. And we look at him. And he goes, “Not because I’m a vampyre. Because that big cop hates me.” Then he looked embarrassed and he goes, “Hey, you guys, your eyes are bleeding.”

And I look at Tommy and I’m all, “WTF?”

And Foo’s like, “You guys should probably wear sun-glasses with UV filtering if you’re going to use those, or, you know, they could hurt your eyes.”

So Flood’s like, “Good to know.”

And Foo’s like, “You should know that they can’t go to mist if they’re hurt or under exposure to any significant UV. I tested it with the rats. Which means you can’t either.”

And we’re all, “Uh-huh.”

And he’s like, “What will you do?”

And Flood is like, “We’re going to the Sunken Ship and see if we can find Jody, and then I guess we’re going to see if we can get on a pirate ship. What about you?”

“I have to break the lab down first, but I know some guys in my program at Berkeley that have an extra room. I can stay there.”

And Flood is like, “Take Jared with you. Elijah saw him. Anyone Elijah knows or who knew about him is in danger.”

And Jared is all, “Nooooo, Berkeley is way too butch.”

So I ’splain to Tommy, “Jared is afraid of butch lesbians. They were invented in Berkeley.”

And Foo is like looking at Jared, and looking at me, and looking at Flood, and looking at his dead rats, and he’s all, “Can’t you at least leave Abby here and let me change her back?”

And Flood looks at me and I’m all, “Bitch, please, I have a light sabre.” And I grabbed Foo and kissed him hard, but I could feel him pulling away.

And he’s like, “Abby, after this is over-”

And I’m like, finger on his lips, “Shh, shh, shh, Foo. Do not awkwardize the moment with sniveling. I’ve been preparing my whole life for this.”