Charlie Huston - The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death

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If you love crime fiction-preferably wickedly profane, unabashedly grisly, and laugh-out-loud funny "pulp" fiction-your number one New Year's resolution needs to be to read Charlie Huston. It only takes one to get you so hooked you'll read everything you can get your hands on, so take a couple of days off and give yourself room to binge on the brutal and hilarious Hank Thompson and Joe Pitt series, the blistering Shotgun Rule, and this latest and greatest stand-alone, The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death. The best thing about reading a Huston novel is that you never see it coming-laughter, tears, the passing urge to vomit-everything is a surprise, creating a wholly unsettling and exciting reading experience. The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death has all the makings of a perfect Charlie Huston novel-the down-but-not-out antihero, the outrageous supporting characters (each of whom deserves their own spin-off), the very bad situation involving money and violence, and the hilariously inappropriate dialogue that is Huston's signature-but with one surprising addition, hope. It does little good to break down the plot of a book this bizarre and brilliant. You're just going to have to trust us (and our Guest Reviewer, Stephen King), and read it.
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With a style that is razor sharp, an eye that never shies from the gritty details, and a taste for stories that simultaneously shock, disturb, and entertain, Charlie Huston is one of a kind. And The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death is the type of story-swift, twisted, hilarious, somehow hopeful-that only he could dream up.
The fact is, whether it’s a dog hit by a train or an old lady who had a heart attack on the can, someone has to clean up the nasty mess. And that someone is Webster Fillmore Goodhue, who just may be the least likely person in Los Angeles County to hold down such a gig. With his teaching career derailed by tragedy, Web hasn’t done much for the last year except some heavy slacking. But when his only friend in the world lets him know that his freeloading days are over, and he tires of taking cash from his spaced-out mom and refuses to take any more from his embittered father, Web joins Clean Team-and soon finds himself sponging a Malibu suicide’s brains from a bathroom mirror, and flirting with the man’s bereaved and beautiful daughter.
Then things get weird: The dead man’s daughter asks a favor. Her brother’s in need of somebody who can clean up a mess. Every cell in Web’s brain tells him to turn her down, but something else makes him hit the Harbor Freeway at midnight to help her however he can. Is it her laugh? Her desperate tone of voice? The chance that this might be history’s strangest booty call? Whatever it is, soon enough it’s Web who needs the help when gun-toting California cowboys start showing up on his doorstep. What’s the deal? Is it something to do with what he cleaned up in that motel room in Carson? Or is it all about the brewing war between rival trauma cleaners? Web doesn’t have a clue, but he’ll need to get one if he’s going to keep from getting his face kicked in. Again. And again. And again.
Full of black humor, stunning violence, singular characters, and neon dialogue, The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death is classic Charlie Huston: a wild ride that’ll leave you breathless and shaken, grinning and begging for more.

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He stood up.

– I don't know. I'm just trying to deal and. Jesus. With the phone. Awwww, man. I used it after that. Awwww, shit!

He sat back down.

– That's fucked.

– Sorry.

– What sorry? Fucked up inbred kills someone with the phone, what are you sorry about?

– I don't know. Feels like it's my fault.

We stared at the phone.

Chev cupped his chin in his hand, clicked his thumb ring against one of his earrings.

– No way I can look at that kitchen every day.

He stood.

– We got to move out of here, man.

I nodded.

– Do you think?

He looked at me.

– Are you being a smartass? Are you being a smartass about a guy getting bludgeoned with a phone in my apartment?

I held my thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

– Little bit?

He shook his head.

– Looks like someone's feeling better.

He started for the door.

– Long as you're all chipper, you call the landlady and tell her we're out at the end of the month.

I stood.

– Where you going?

– The shop.

– Hang on, I'll come with.

He opened the door.

– Uh-uh, fuckwit, you have some disturbing shit to dispose of before I get home.

He pointed at the phone and the table.

– Those. Gone. And anything else that got. Stuff on it.

He looked at the kitchen.

– Telling you, Web, a weaker man than me, he'd have quit your shit long ago.

I shrugged.

– Must be my abundant charm.

SECRET SKELETONS

– So what now?

– I don't know for sure.

Po Sin stirred the ice cubes at the bottom of his glass.

– You gonna go back to teaching?

I thought about the classroom. The kids. How much fun they could be. How much of a pain. I thought about trying to walk back in there and be a normal teacher. Be a person without all these things clinging to him. Deaths like barnacles. They felt visible. And a burden. I didn't want to have them around kids.

And there were other things.

– I don't think I can really teach anymore.

– So?

– Sol.

– Round two.

Gabe came back from the bar with two bottles of beer and another gin and juice for Po Sin.

I took my beer.

– Thanks.

Gabe nodded.

We all drank.

– Po Sin.

– My name. Means Grandfather Elephant. Speak it and I will answer.

– Po Sin.

I drank again.

– What'd you do with them?

Po Sin stared into his glass.

– Web, in all honesty, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I nodded.

– Sure, I get that. But. I called you. And I think, I think I need to know. I'm trying, this is new for me, but I'm trying to be kind of a grown-up. But, hey, not too many examples of that in my life, so I'm flying a little blind. Anyway. Part of. I think I need to know what I'm responsible for. What things I do that make other things happen.

I picked at my beer label.

– I think I really need to know what you did to them.

Po Sin looked at Gabe.

Gabe lifted his bottle, took a drink.

– It doesn't work like that, Web.

– I know. But.

– I said, It doesn't work like that, Web.

I looked at him.

He nodded.

– This is how it works. You ask someone for a favor.

He pointed at himself and Po Sin.

– And they come and do you a favor.

He moved his beer over the surface of the table, leaving a smear of moisture.

– They swing their weight behind you and give your actions gravity. They do things.

He wiped the smear away with the edge of his hand.

– You left the room. You could have stayed. You chose not to. Now you have to live with the consequences of leaving that room. The biggest of those is, you don't know what happened. After you leave the room, it's no longer your business. You want to know what price is paid in this world, you need to be there when the deal goes down.

He trained his lenses on me.

– That shit, whatever it is we may think we're taking about, it never even happened.

He got up.

– I'm gonna go shoot a rack.

He walked to the pool table at the back of the Monday night empty bar and started dropping quarters in.

Po Sin rattled the ice in his glass.

– He has a way of summing shit up.

He sipped, swallowed, looked over his shoulder at Gabe, and leaned close.

– Shit needs to be done sometimes, Web. I'm not saying it's the way the world should be, not saying it's the world I want my kids to be in, but this life we're in, you don't end up doing this kind of work because everything went the way it was supposed to. You're doing work like we do, it's because some shit got fucked up. That means things behind you, you don't always want them coming to the light. Further you go into this kind of job, more people you meet, more of them you find just like you. Secrets. Skeletons. Coworkers. Competitors. Clients. Secrets start cropping up. Knowwhat I mean?

Did I know what he meant? Shit yes. I was hip deep in what he meant.

Which he already knew.

So he kept talking without me giving an answer.

– What no one wants is for the secrets to start coming out into the open. Guys like we were just talking about, they can make things come to light. Just by being around and getting involved in your life, they can cause all kinds of shit to unnecessarily become unhinged. So we did what we do.

He gulped the last of his drink.

– We cleaned shit up.

He set the empty glass in front of me.

– Like the man said, you wanted to know, all you had to do was stay in the room.

I looked at the glass.

– That's the thing.

I looked at him.

– I don't want to leave the room. Po Sin, man, honestly, even if I did want to, I'm not sure I could find the door. But. That doesn't even matter. Because.

I shook my head.

– I love this shit.

I raised a hand.

– I liked teaching. I did. But I love this shit. It's like, man, it's like I found my calling. It's like if I took one of those employment placement tests we gave the kids in junior high. You should be a scientist, an insurance adjuster, a flight attendant. When I took that test, it said I should be a structural engineer. But this, this is like if that test said, You shall be a crime scene cleaner, Webster Fillmore Goodhue, and you shall like it well. It just fits. It fits me. This is what I want to do, man.

I lifted my beer.

– I want to clean up after dead people.

– Hey yo.

We looked at the bartender.

– You guys come over in that van?

Po Sin started to rise.

– It getting a ticket?

– No.

Po Sin started to sit.

– Good. That would have been a pisser.

The bartender pointed out the swinging saloon door.

– But looks like it's on fire.

The Lost and Found is in a strip mall at the corner of National and South Barrington. That far west, that close to their place of business, it was probably a provocation. But that wasn't the kind of thing I could be expected to know. Po Sin and Gabe, I guess they just wanted to go to one of their favorite bars.

We came out the swinging door into a small parking lot illuminated by the flames pouring from the shattered windows of the van. Morton's crew was already piling back into a silver Pathfinder. Morton was on the sidewalk with an ax handle. Dingbang just behind him, jumping up and down, jabbing a finger at us as we came out.

– 'Bout that shit? Huh, motherfuckers? ‘Bout that shit?

Morton raised the ax handle and pointed it at Po Sin.

– Had it coming. We were under truce, you pulled that shit. Had this coming.

Gabe started across the lot.

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