Iain Banks - Dead Air

Eventually I pulled myself upright, wiped my nose and dabbed my cheeks, squared my shoulders and went back to the door of the Bough. I half thought of just walking away then, going home and crying into my pillow or something, but I still had a legal let-off to celebrate, and what better way to drown the pain of having hurt – and maybe lost for ever – my best pal than by getting disgustingly drunk?

Pints, whiskies, a cigar. Much pointed nattering and nonsense with Phil and Kayla and Andi, then the girls went and Phil and I were left alone for the last hour before chucking-out time. We talked about going to Clout or some other club, then settled on the Groucho. I bumped into an ad creative I knew usually carried excess gear and scored some reasonable quality coke off him, to sober myself up a little (mainly so I could get drunk all over again), but then I spilled most of it on the toilet floor just because I was so fucked on booze.

I didn’t remember getting a taxi, or saying goodbye to Phil, or leaving the Groucho; all I remembered was getting home to the Temple Belle and standing on the deck looking out at the waters and having to close one eye so as not to see double and then deciding that it was absolutely necessary that I phoned Ceel. I hadn’t seen her for far too long. I’d just escaped a court case and I might have lost one of my two best friends and I needed to talk to her, badly. I even considered, very briefly, going round to the Merrials’ house and staring up at each window in turn, hoping she was in, hoping she was there, just so that I could feel I was close to her; maybe I could even ring the bell, and… No.

I’d phone her.

I had to use both hands on the phone and keep one eye closed but I found my way to Location 96 on the menu and immediately hit OK when it said Call Number? and then heard her voice. I heard her voice! It was recorded, but it was her! I found my eyes filling with tears.

A message. I could leave a message.

Ha; dirty, why not? Maybe she’d like that.

‘Oh, lady, I want to fuck you sooo much,’ I said, slurring. ‘It’s been far too long, Ceel… and that’s not just my cock I’m talking about… Ha ha. Please get in touch. I need you. I miss you so much. I need to lick that lightning, yeah. Let’s get together again, soon. Real soon. Love you. Night. Night, Ceel. Oh, oh, it’s me; me, Ken. Ken the Naughty. Ha. Night night. Night night, Ceel. Love you. Want to fuck you. Night night. Love you. Night night.’

I got indoors and to bed somehow.

Some bit of my brain must still have been working, though, because when I woke to the light of morning it was not just to a total bastard of a hangover but to the full, awful, blood-draining, bowel-loosening, heart-constricting realisation of what I’d done.

Oh shit.

Oh dear holy fucking Christ almighty. Oh my fucking God. Oh fuck upon fuck upon total fuck to the power of fuck.

I hadn’t, had I? Oh dear God, let it be a dream, let it be a nightmare, let it not have happened, let me have called a different number. Let it be anybody else’s phone, anybody; my mum and dad’s, Craig’s, Ed’s, the office, anybody anybody anybody just please please please not that one, not the number that I’d overwritten where Ceel’s mobile number had been.

I fell off the bed, still fully clothed. The phone wasn’t in its little holster on my hip. I looked around. Where the hell was it? Oh my God, oh my God. Where was it? I threw back the duvet, looked under the bed, searched the tops of the bedside cabinets, the dresser, the table in front of the couch. What had I done with it? I had to find the little fucker, had to check, had to make sure that what I was terrified I had done, I hadn’t really done. Oh fucking hell, they could be on their way now, they might be parking, walking down the pontoon, treading on the gangplank, setting foot on the decking. They’d have the two seats set up, the big blond guy would be looking forward to the sound and feel of knees bending the wrong way and snapping. Then they’d castrate me, then they’d torture me to death. Or maybe they’d be quick, merciful, and just put a bullet through my head. Oh but dear God, Ceel. What would Merrial do to her? What would he do to make her talk, then once she had, what would he do to her for what she’d done with me?

Oh no, no, no, this couldn’t be happening. I stumbled through to the living-room. It had to be here. It had to be. Oh, fuck, this just could not be happening. This had to be a dream. This right now; I wasn’t really awake at all. I was having the mother-fucking great-granddaddy of all nightmares. I had to be. I hadn’t done that. I just hadn’t. I could not be that drunk; nobody could. It was not physically possible to drink so much that any human being could forget that he’d overwritten his lover’s mobile number with her home number, not when the home number was that of not just her but her husband, a major league fucking gangster notorious for having his giant bodyguard bounce up and down on the legs of people he disliked until their knees cracked or their ankles snapped or their femurs popped out of their hip sockets or whatever fucking horrible thing or ghastly combination or succession of things happened when they did this to you.

I turned the living-room upside down. I threw cushions, lifted rugs, left drawers hanging open. This had to be a dream, this had to be a nightmare. I couldn’t have done what I thought I had. There was not enough booze on the fucking planet to make a man do something so fucking stupid. There had never been, in the whole history of the species, sufficient drink fermented, distilled or brewed to make anybody, anybody, anybody at all no matter how stupid, how thoughtless, how much of a total fucking complete and utter fuckwit of the first water, do something that suicidally imbecilic. There were physical laws, immutable rules written into the very warp and woof of the fabric of reality itself, which would prevent any supposedly sentient creature doing anything a tenth as cretinously, murderously insane as that.

A dream. A nightmare. The worst one ever; a new low-water mark in the sump of human fright and terror. I must still be asleep and my heart was probably about to stop out of sheer horror. I had to wake up. I really did.

I stumbled into the bathroom, turned on the cold tap and splashed my face, splashing and slapping my cheeks and staring at myself in the mirror, at the white, terror-struck face of a man who was not going to wake up from his nightmare because it was the worst sort of nightmare, the kind that’s real, the kind you can die from but never wake from. The face of a man who’d killed the one woman he really loved in all the world, consigned her to a horrific, slow, painful, pitiful death because he’d got drunk and been stupid, because he just hadn’t thought, because he’d selfishly wanted to talk to her, because he’d thought it would somehow be funny or sexy to leave a totally shite dirty message on her phone, because he couldn’t read a fucking display and see that it was a different number, a land-line number, because he couldn’t hear the difference between a mobile message service and a common-or-garden domestic answering machine.

Why had it been her? Why the fuck couldn’t the fucking man of the house have recorded the fucking answering machine spiel? Why had that cunt Merrial made his wife record the message, the pathetic, useless, disgusting, inadequate piece of shit?

I looked down at the shelf above the sink. The phone was there. I grabbed it. But I must have left it on last night, because it was dead; no power.