Iain Banks - Dead Air

‘Ya fucking beauty!’ I said loudly. ‘So we’ve won!’

‘Well, you could put it that way, but technically we never fought, did we? Let’s say they’ve withdrawn from the field and left it to your good self.’

‘Brilliant. Maggie; thanks for everything you’ve done. I appreciate it. I really do. That’s incredible.’

‘Yes, well, the bill will be in the post, but for what it’s worth, congratulations. It was nice to meet you, Ken.’

‘Likewise, Mags. Superb job. Thanks again.’

‘Okay. Enjoy the champagne.’

‘Damn right! Hey; we’re off soon, here. Do you want to come round for a drink?’

‘Thank you, but I’m very busy. Some other time, maybe. Okay?’

‘Yeah, okay. Thanks again. Cheers now. Bye.’

‘Bye, Ken.’

I walked the last few steps and threw the office door open on a surprised-looking Phil, Kayla and Andi.

I threw my arms wide. ‘Ta-fucking-RA!’

‘Craig! Brilliant! I’ve been trying to get you!’

‘Ken.’

I was standing outside the Bough, looking down the street. Behind me, the pub’s CD box was playing Outkast’s ‘Ms. Jackson’. It was moderately loud in there; we’d persuaded Landlady Clara to turn the volume up to levels commensurate with serious celebration. It was about half six and the sky was as dark as it ever gets in London; the dark of a cloudless night after a clear day. An unseasonal smell of drains wafted in from some grating, briefly faecal before the light breeze flushed it away.

‘I got off!’ I yelled into the mobile. ‘There isn’t going to be a court case! Lawson Fucking Brierley caved in! Isn’t that fucking brilliant?’

‘Yeah. I’m very happy for you.’

His voice chilled me. ‘Craig? What’s wrong?’ I asked, moving further out of the pub’s doorway, further into the street, away from the noise and cheery, beery smell of the pub.

‘Well,’ Craig said. ‘There’s some good news and some bad news, Ken.’

‘What? What is it? Is Nikki okay?’

‘Nikki’s fine. This is not about Nikki.’

That at least, was some sort of relief. ‘Well, what, then?’

‘The good news is that Emma and I are getting back together.’

‘You are?’ I stopped and thought. ‘Well, that is fucking superb! Well done! That’s great. I am so pleased for you. I am really so happy for the two of you. Honestly.’

‘Yeah,’ Craig said, and I could hear him take a deep breath.

‘The bad news is that when we decided we were going to get back together we thought we ought to have a sort of clearing of the decks about other relationships.’

Oh-oh, I thought. ‘Uh-huh,’ I said.

‘I had one or two… episodes to report.’

‘Yeah,’ I said, feeling suddenly cold. ‘Good for you; glad to hear it.’ I leaned back against the stonework by the side of one of the pub’s windows.

‘Emma had one or two little dalliances to put on the table too. And one – just a one-night thing – she didn’t want to tell me about. We were supposed to tell each other everything, but she still didn’t want to name names, or name the name. In fact, she never did tell me directly. But after a bit… well, eventually I just realised who it had to be, Ken.’

There was a long pause. ‘Yes,’ I said.

‘It was you, wasn’t it?’

Oh fuck. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck oh fuck.

‘… You still there, Ken?’

‘I’m still here, man.’

‘So it was you, wasn’t it?’

‘Craig, I-’

‘It was you.’

‘Look, man, I-’

‘It was you.’

‘… Yes, it was me.’

Another long pause. I cleared my throat, shifted my position against the wall, smiled briefly, thinly at a guy walking past who glanced at me and seemed to recognise me.

‘Well, come on, Ken,’ Craig said softly. ‘How do you think that makes me feel?’

I took a deep breath and released it. ‘I love both you guys. I love Nikki, too.’ I had to clear my throat again. ‘It was just something that happened, Craig, not something we planned or, or meant in advance or anything. It was one of those comforting things, just got a bit, ah, just went on a bit beyond, well, you know…?’

‘No, I don’t know, Ken,’ Craig said. ‘The only time I was in a remotely similar situation, like a mug I agreed with Jo that it wasn’t worth jeopardising our relationships with you for a quick shag. I have to say I kind of regret that now. You must have been laughing your head off, inside, when I told you that, mustn’t you?’

‘Of course I wasn’t, Craig; for fuck’s sake, I was cringing. Look, for God’s sake, man, I am sorry. I never wanted you to get hurt. I so did not want you or Emma to get hurt. It just happened, it was one of those things.’ Oh Jesus, I thought. Listen to me. One of those things. Was that really the best I could do? ‘I just thought we could…’

‘Get away with it?’

‘If you like. Just… just have it be a no-loss thing. God, man, it wasn’t me getting one over on you or anything or any sort of macho shit, it was just, trying to be a friend to Em, to help her through what she was going through. It was all tears and, well, you know; drink had been taken, and, and so there were, like I say, a lot of… a lot of tears, and hugs, and, and-’

‘And you fucked my wife, Ken.’

I closed my eyes, turned in towards the stonework of the pub. ‘No,’ I said.

‘No?’

‘No, that’s not what happened. That just isn’t what it was all about. Two people who’d known each other and been friends, and had somebody in common that they loved, or had loved and still loved, two people like that were together and one was very lonely and vulnerable and needed a shoulder to cry on and the other was a bit lonely too, and weak the way most men are, and was so glad to be able to offer some support and flattered that the other person felt comforted being held and hugged and shushed by him, and… neither of them could stop just a sort of natural response happening when they held each other. And they both felt guilty, but they both felt… reassured, validated; no, not validated, that’s such a crap word. They both had clung to another human being and though there was another person involved, another person they both loved, in the background, it was just that; it was not about-’

‘Not about fucking my wife, Ken.’

I kept my eyes closed. ‘No. It wasn’t. That just wasn’t it. If that’s the way it feels, I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry, Craig. I did not want to hurt you, or her. I am so sorry I have.’ I paused. ‘I mean it.’

He was silent for a while. ‘The sad thing is, Ken, you probably do mean it.’

‘You are still getting back together? What I mean is, this isn’t going to-’

‘We’re still getting back together, Ken,’ Craig said. ‘It’s you who’s the problem. Not me or Em.’

‘Look, man, I-’

‘Ken, Ken; Ken…’

‘What?’

‘Could you just leave us for a bit? Just the two of us. We need time to… to settle in together. Know what I mean?’

I wanted to be sick. I opened my mouth very wide. I swallowed. ‘Sure. Yes. Of course. I… yeah, of course.’

‘We’ll maybe be… we’ll need… we’ll need time to think.’

‘Yeah. Of course you will.’ I found I’d bitten my lip. I could taste blood. ‘I, ah, I hope you’re both really happy. I hope it all works out. I really do.’

‘Yeah. Well. Ah… thanks for being honest, at least. I’m glad your court thing came out well.’

‘Yeah. Thanks. Yeah.’

‘Goodbye, Ken.’

And, oh, Christ, just the way he said that. I felt tears on my cheeks as I said, ‘Bye, Craig.’

The phone clicked off. I folded it, holstered it. I stood looking at the gutter for a while, listening to the sound of the music coming from the pub.