Todd Strasser - Blood on my hands

So he did the things he didn’t want to do, went far away from home to train for a war he didn’t understand and wasn’t sure he believed in. And he was homesick and missed Callie horribly and counted not only the days but the hours and minutes until he could go back home and see her again.

And then, just a few weeks before he was supposed to go home, she called one night and, out of what felt like nowhere, said they were through and she didn’t want to see him again. It made no sense. He felt as if he’d been blindsided. Suddenly the wall he had built collapsed and the sadness came rushing at him and enveloped him and he had nothing to grab on to. He flailed helplessly in the dark, went into shock, and became numb with disbelief. He called and wrote to Callie, but she didn’t answer. It seemed unspeakably cruel and heartless for her to have broken up with him so abruptly and unexpectedly, without giving him a chance to respond.

And then, to make everything even worse, he learned that his unit would be sent overseas, to support the troops at war. He stumbled through the final weeks of Guard training like a zombie and then went home, determined to confront Callie in person, but before he could, someone else appeared in his life. Someone familiar. And she told him what he’d both suspected and feared-that while he’d been away, the girl he loved had quietly begun to see someone else.

The news was excruciating, like salt poured into a wound already too deep and painful to survive, and it produced an anger in him so extreme that he was not sure he could control it. And yet he wasn’t entirely surprised. He’d seen it happen to others in his barracks. Now it was his turn.

Frightened by his own anger, and unsure that he could stand Callie’s lying to him about this other guy, he decided not to confront her. Instead, he followed the example his father had set: he tried to become numb and threw himself into work, meanwhile hoping that his bad knee might prevent him from being deployed. Like his father, he might have resigned himself to nights in front of the TV, but that other girl made it clear that she had more than gossip to share with him. In fact, she had something to offer that might save his life.

Sunday 5:21 A.M.

WITH TEARS OF disbelief and confusion running down my cheeks, I stand in the motel doorway while they put Slade in the back of the patrol car and lock the doors. Then Chief Jenkins comes back toward me. “Call your mom, Callie. She’s frantic.”

I’m still so shocked that I can’t find the words to acknowledge him. He starts toward the patrol car, then stops and turns back to me. “I’m sorry, Callie. This whole thing… came as a huge shock… to everyone involved.”

“It doesn’t make sense,” I hear myself whimper.

He purses his lips, as if there’s more he could tell me but he has decided not to. “Go home.”

He gets into the patrol car. In the back, Slade stares at me with tears running down his face. He nods. I mouth the words I love you , and he does the same. The police cruiser rolls away.

Numb, I go back into the motel room. Slade’s cell phone is lying on the night table. I open it and there on the screen is a photo of me. And it just makes me cry harder.

But finally, when I feel like I’ve gotten control of myself, I call Mom and tell her I’m okay and I’ll be home later. She wants to know where I’ve been and I promise to explain that, too.

Then I sit on the unmade bed and try to make sense of it. But I can’t. Slade killed Katherine? It simply can’t be. The only explanation is that the police are as wrong about him as they were about me. And that means I’m still not finished. I’ve proved that I had nothing to do with Katherine’s murder, and now I have to prove the same for Slade. But how? Where do I begin?

Lost in thought, I idly scroll through the photos on Slade’s phone. They are, for the most part, photos of me. Mixed in are a few shots of young men in military uniforms, no doubt acquaintances from Guard training.

And then… a photo that causes me to freeze. A young woman’s naked torso, shot from the chin down. A slim body with large round breasts.

It is an unmistakable glimpse of how much I still don’t know.

INTERVIEW WITH DAKOTA ELIZABETH JENKINS

B-Chief of Detectives, Dennis K. Bloom

J-Dakota Elizabeth Jenkins

M-Detective Sergeant Ellis McGregor

NU-Nurse Elena Sanchez

TAPE 1, SIDE A

BToday’s date is September seventeenth and it is now 3:43 in the afternoon. We are in Fairchester County Hospital. Present in the room are myself, Dennis K. Bloom, Chief of Detectives, Soundview PD; Detective Sergeant Ellis McGregor, Soundview PD; Dakota Elizabeth Jenkins; and Nurse Elena Sanchez. Would each of you please identify yourself?

MI’m Detective Sergeant Ellis McGregor.

JDakota Jenkins.

NUI am Elena Sanchez.

BMiss Jenkins, would you please state your age and your social security number?

JYou want me to read the number?

BYes, please.

JI am eighteen years old and my social security number is…

BMiss Jenkins, are you prepared to acknowledge that you have read this form and you acknowledge before myself and Detective McGregor as witnesses that you recognize this form to be your Miranda warning and waiver statement of your rights?

JYes.

BAnd at this time you do in fact waive your right to an attorney and wish to speak to both myself and Detective McGregor?

JYes.

BCan you tell me what day this is?

JSeptember seventeenth.

BAnd what day of the week?

JI’m pretty sure it’s Wednesday.

BAnd how do you feel right now in terms of your physical condition?

JTired and worn out.

BAre you of sound mind to speak to us?

JI think so. Yes.

BWould you please state the reason why you called us here?

JTo tell you what happened with Katherine.

MWhen you say Katherine, do you mean Katherine Remington-Day?

JYes.

BAnd when you say you want to tell us what happened, what do you mean?

JWhat I think happened the night she died.

BWhen you say “what I think happened,” is that because you’re not sure?

JI’m sure of some things, but not so sure of others.

BAll right.

JWhere should I begin?

MMaybe with the things you’re sure about.

JI’m sure that I took the knife from Katherine’s house.

MWhat knife?

JThe knife that was used to kill her. We were in the middle of a fight and I pretended I wanted to make up. But I really just wanted the knife.

BWhy?

JWhy did I take it?

BYes.

JI wanted Slade to scare her.

MWould that be Slade Lamont?

JYes.

BHow would he scare her?

JHe would put a stocking on his head and wear latex gloves and act like he was going to attack her.

BWhere?

JIn the woods behind the baseball field.