Todd Strasser - Blood on my hands

I look up, surprised, and feel the moisture gathering in my eyes. My emotions are so raw and torn that I can’t muster the strength to hide them anymore. Tears roll down my cheeks. Chief Jenkins nods, as if I’ve just answered his question. “So, I guess you’re wondering why I’m here.”

I don’t bother to answer or even nod. Obviously he wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t going to tell me. He takes off his hat and places it on the table. The hat leaves a reddish ridge across his forehead. “I came here to tell you a story about your father, Callie. Something I suspect you don’t know.”

I have absolutely no idea what he’s going to say.

“A long time ago he and I were friends,” Chief Jenkins says. “Pretty close, actually. You didn’t know that, did you?”

I shake my head. Dad never said a word about it. I wonder if it’s true or just some new trick they’re playing to get me to admit to other things that aren’t true.

“I’m not surprised,” Chief Jenkins goes on. “We had a pretty bad falling-out. And after that, we never really spoke to each other again.”

He pauses as if waiting for me to ask what happened. But I don’t. He’s come here to tell me a story. Be my guest. “We were both on the Soundview High tennis team.”

I stare at him uncertainly. Tennis? I remember Mom saying something about Dad’s being on the team. I meant to ask him why he quit, but I never did.

“We were tremendous rivals in high school,” the police chief continues. “At least, he thought we were. I played first singles on the team, and all he wanted to do was beat me and play first singles himself.”

I’m still not sure whether to believe any of this. But if I do, then obviously I have to believe that my father couldn’t beat Chief Jenkins. Otherwise, what would be the point of his telling me this?

The police chief goes on: “For some reason I was born with athletic talent coming out of my ears. Great reflexes. Amazing hand-eye coordination. The funny thing was, I couldn’t have cared less. I played on my high-school teams-tennis, baseball, basketball-but I knew I wouldn’t play in college. I had other things in mind. Your father couldn’t have been more different. What he lacked in raw talent he tried to make up for with determination, practice, training, and studying. He would practice and practice, study strategy, read all the books, and then challenge me. But I would always beat him. Well, that’s not really true. Most of the time he would beat himself. Psych himself out. Truth is, he was what we used to call a head case.”

Well, at least that part rings true. So now I’m becoming curious. “What happened?”

Chief Jenkins runs his thick fingers back over his thin hair as if checking to make sure those few black strands are still there. “I called a let.”

“Sorry?” I’m not sure I know what he means.

“When you serve and the ball nicks the net but still goes in the service box, it’s called a let. You get to do the serve over. Anyway, your dad challenged me to a match. And as usual he acted as if it wasn’t just some dumb tennis game but was practically a matter of life and death. As if his entire future depended on it. So we got into a fight over a ball I thought was a let. And your dad just… went… nuts.”

I nod. It’s so easy to imagine Dad doing that.

“Finally, he called me a cheater and walked off the court, quit the team, and never talked to me again. And, as far as I know, he never played tennis again, either.”

I’m struck by how sincerely sad and filled with regret Chief Jenkins appears to be. As if, while he didn’t care that much about tennis, he really cared about my dad. But I still don’t understand why he’s telling me this.

He goes on: “After high school, I went into the army for two years and then to the police academy. Even though he wouldn’t talk to me, I kept tabs on your dad, so I know he went to FCC. And then, later, when we’d both gotten married and I’d moved back here, I’d hear stories about him and the troubles he had with your brother. Especially since Sebastian had had a few run-ins with us, as well. I’d see your dad from time to time, but he’d never do more than nod. He was a very angry guy. Always at war with someone or something.”

Chief Jenkins levels his eyes on me and I recognize it as a caring gaze. His eyes are sad, as if he’s seen too many things he wishes he hadn’t seen. He places his left hand on the table. He’s wearing a wedding ring. “So, you’re surely wondering why I’m telling you all this,” he finally says. “I guess… it goes back to when your dad and I were friends. Just that he’d always wanted so badly the things I’d been given without even asking. I guess… I always felt bad for him. It seemed like he caught a lot of unlucky breaks.”

He pauses again. From some other part of the facility come distant shouts followed by laughter. Not what you’d expect in a detention center. Meanwhile, I’m still waiting, wondering why he’s told me all this and where the story’s going. But I sense I won’t have to wonder for much longer. He places his right arm on the table, leans toward me, and lowers his voice. “I hear you’re refusing to go along with the self-defense argument.”

He gazes steadily at me, waiting for my reply. I fold my hands in my lap and look straight into his eyes, as if to say if that’s why he’s here, he’s wasting his time, but what comes out of my mouth is “Why would I agree to claim self-defense when I’m innocent?”

Chief Jenkins looks down at his hat, lying on the table, and turns it slightly with his finger. “Callie, suppose I told you… we think the knife… came from Katherine’s house?” His eyes rise again to meet mine.

What? I rock back in the chair as if he’s pushed me. It makes no sense. Why would Katherine bring the knife to the kegger? “How could that be?”

“To be honest, we’re not sure. But let’s forget that for a moment. Would just knowing the knife came from her house make you more comfortable about pleading self-defense?”

I feel like he’s practically rolling out a red carpet for me. If Katherine brought the knife, it might imply that she wanted to kill me. So then claiming self-defense would make perfect sense. I’d go free. No one could blame me for defending myself. I’d be with Slade again.

Only it would still mean admitting I killed Katherine.

“I have to tell you, Callie, I don’t understand why you won’t agree to it,” Chief Jenkins says. “There were no witnesses. If you say it was self-defense, there’s no one who can really argue. It adds the crucial element of doubt. It’s almost impossible to imagine a jury convicting you in that situation. On the other hand, if you insist on your innocence, you know you’re making it much more difficult for the jury. They know someone killed Katherine Remington-Day, and a lot of the evidence points to you. In that situation, I can’t predict what they’ll decide, and neither can anyone else. But the possibility of being convicted of second-degree murder, and serving a long prison term, is much much greater.”

Yes, I’ve heard this before. So why is he telling me again? Is it a trick? Is he trying to get me to plead self-defense because it will take away the possibility that Dakota will be accused? That could be it, right? But something tells me it isn’t. I may be only seventeen and not old enough to be a great judge of character, but I feel that I am looking into the eyes of a man who is telling the truth.

“Maybe you’re not responding because your lawyer told you not to talk to anyone and the Miranda warning states that anything you do say may be used against you,” Chief Jenkins continues. “But I want you to understand something, Callie. My duty as an officer of the law is to seek justice. I’ve taken an oath to fulfill that duty to the best of my abilities. But I also have a commitment to the people of this community to do what I believe is best for all involved. It’s not to decide whether you are innocent or guilty. That’s up to a judge and jury. But I’ve known your family for a long time, and personally, I think you’ve faced more than enough hardships. Maybe you could think of it this way-I’ve come here today not as the chief of police but as a friend who doesn’t understand why you’d want to risk another tragedy when there’s such an obvious way around it.”