Todd Strasser - Blood on my hands

“But I didn’t kill her!” I ball my hands into fists as tears of frustration well up in my eyes. I can’t stand this! It’s so unfair!

Mom leans forward and places her hand over mine. “Honey, please. Gail’s told me about the article you wrote and how angry Katherine was. It makes sense that she could have been angry enough to attack you.”

I stare at her in complete shock. My own mother is telling me to lie. To pretend I killed someone when I didn’t. It’s incomprehensible. Mom turns to Gail. “Let me speak to her alone, okay?”

Gail gets up and walks to the far side of the visitors’ room. Still holding my hand, Mom leans close. I feel an intensity and urgency from her that I’m not used to. “Listen to me, Callie,” she says in a low, firm voice. “You’re young, and young people tend to see everything in black and white, right and wrong. But as you get older, you’ll see that the lines get blurred, and a lot of what you thought was either black or white is simply gray. You’re a smart girl. You know things change. People change. Their outlooks change. Even if you can’t understand what I’m saying now, I promise that someday you will. You have to believe me on this. A lot of life is about compromising. Usually someone your age doesn’t have to compromise on anything nearly this serious. But you’ve already faced a lot of things someone your age shouldn’t have to face. So maybe you can look at this as just one more of those things.”

Her grip on my hand is tight. I know she’s seen a lot more of life than I have and knows a lot more than I do. And she loves me and would never suggest I do anything that would be bad for me. So I tell her I’ll think about it.

And I mean it.

Before she and Gail go, Mom gives me a paper bag with clean clothes and I ask her to call Slade and tell him where I am. Tell him that if he can come, I’d really like to see him.

A few days after the article was in the school newspaper, Dr. Ploumis, the school psychologist, called me to her office. I walked in and there was David Sloan. I stopped, confused.

“Have a seat, Callie,” Dr. Ploumis said.

I sat down, looking back and forth from the school psychologist to David.

“Callie, as you know, there’s been a lot of talk about the article you wrote,” Dr. Ploumis began. “And you know that Katherine is extremely upset.”

“And what about the rumors about me she’s been spreading?” I asked defensively, since it sounded to me like I was the one who was going to be blamed.

“Yes, I’ve heard about that, too,” said Dr. Ploumis. “And that’s why I asked David to join us. You’re aware that he’s the peer mediation leader for your class.”

I wasn’t. Of course, I’d heard of peer mediation, but it was something I’d never taken seriously. To me it sounded like just one more extracurricular activity that would look good on a college application.

“I think that you and Katherine should settle your differences through peer mediation,” Dr. Ploumis said.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I said. “I mean, nobody really believes those rumors. Everyone knows why Katherine’s spreading them.”

Dr. Ploumis gave me a funny look. “That’s not really the point, Callie. The point is that you and Katherine have very public issues that have not been resolved. The whole school is aware of them, and that makes it a good example of the kind of thing peer mediation was created to resolve.”

“So that’s what this is about?” I asked. “Using us as an example of how peer mediation can work?”

“No, and yes,” the school psychologist replied. “The primary reason is to settle this dispute. But yes, secondarily, it would be a useful example. It’s not like everyone isn’t already aware of what’s going on. After all, it was your decision to write that article and publish it in the Bugle.”

For a second I considered telling her that it wasn’t my idea. It was Mia’s. But what good would that do? It wouldn’t take the blame off me, and it would probably cost me another friend. So instead, I said, “And of course, there’s just no way in the world that you’ll ever believe that article had nothing to do with Katherine.”

Dr. Ploumis and David exchanged glances, as if they’d known that was what I’d say. I really didn’t like the way they seemed to be ganging up on me.

“It almost doesn’t matter now what your intention was,” Dr. Ploumis said. “The reality is that no matter what you intended, everyone, including Katherine, believes you wrote the article about her. And I feel that it’s important that you two sit down and discuss it face-to-face.”

David leaned forward. “Katherine’s already said she’s willing to meet.”

“Oh, great,” I said, annoyed that they’d already conspired on this. “So now I have no choice. If I say no, it just makes me look even worse.”

“Callie, no one is trying to make you look bad,” Dr. Ploumis said. “We’re just trying to resolve a situation that needs resolution.”

I believed her, but I wondered if David had told her everything she needed to know. “Okay, I’ll agree to meet, but are you sure David should be involved?”

Both of them frowned.

“Why not?” asked Dr. Ploumis.

I turned to David. “Did you tell her about you and Katherine?”

David’s eyebrows dipped deeper. “What about us?”

“I heard you had a thing with her last year,” I said. “She asked you to the Sadie Hawkins dance and the next night you two went into a bedroom at a party and you did something she didn’t like and then at school she told Mia to go over and slap you.”

David’s mouth fell open.

Dr. Ploumis gave him a quizzical look. “Is that true?”

“No way! I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “Katherine asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance and then spent the whole night with her friends. And I never went into any bedrooms with her. And I have no idea why she sent Mia to slap me, other than to prove that she could.”

It sounded like he was telling the truth. And the more I thought about it, the less I felt that he had reason to lie. So I agreed to meet for peer mediation during lunch on the following Monday. But I couldn’t help wondering where that story about David and Katherine in the bedroom had come from.

Not that it mattered. By Monday, Katherine was dead.

Friday 11:51 A.M.

I’M ALLOWED TO take a shower and change into the clean clothes Mom brought. Then I’m sent back to my cell to wait and think about what Mom and Gail want me to do. Even though I know I should consider what Mom said, it’s practically impossible. How can I agree to say it was self-defense?

I hardly touch lunch. Who could possibly eat at a time like this? Later a matron comes to my cell. I assume she’s going to transport me back to the town center for another round of questions, but instead, she says, “You have a visitor.”

My heart leaps, and my spirits skyrocket. It’s Slade! He must have just heard from Mom and come right over! I’ve missed him so much. The memories of that kiss in the lounge and of his saying he’d always love me are the only bright spots in my life.

I practically skip out of the cell and down the hall.

Will I be allowed to kiss him?

Hug him?

But the person waiting for me at the round table in the visitors’ room is Chief Jenkins. “Have a seat, Callie.”

I slump into a chair, not bothering to hide my disappointment.

“You were expecting someone else?”

I shrug, struggling to hold back the tears that unexpectedly threaten to burst forth.

“Slade Lamont?”