David Baldacci - Fries Alive

Another boy came face-to-face with Theodore. He pointed his paintball gun at him. “Hold it right there,” ordered the kid.

“Young man,” said Theodore in his deep, intellectual voice, “I seriously doubt that your parents would approve of this most distasteful conduct.”

“What’d you say?” said the boy.

“Let me put it this way. In the grand scheme of things, what does your membership in this ‘gang’ do for your long-term prospects of getting a good education and finding gainful employment and becoming a productive member of society?”

“Huh?” exclaimed the boy. He aimed his paintball gun.

“Now I know you don’t really want to shoot me with paint.”

“Yes I do.”

“Well, then you leave me no choice. I’ll apologize in advance.”

Right before the kid pulled the trigger, Theodore stuck his finger in the barrel. The paintball gun fired backward and covered the boy in blue paint.

“A particularly beautiful shade, if I do say so myself,” observed Theodore.

Meanwhile, Adam sneaked up behind Freddy, and pointed his paintball gun at him. “Hands up, Funkhouser. Now call all your freaky friends out here. I can’t wait to march them into the police station. I’ll be a hero.”

Instead of surrendering, Freddy shot into the air using his anti-gravity flight belt.

“You can’t catch me, Spanker,” laughed Freddy. “Whoops!” Freddy suddenly veered to the left and then to the right. He banged against one of the walls and then zoomed straight to the ceiling and slammed into it before he soared straight down.

“AAAHHHHH! Dad, I thought you fixed the flight belts,” screamed Freddy as he plummeted. Howie was on the ground taking aim at Adam Spanker with his Jelly Legger when Freddy crashed into him, and both boys fell to the hay-piled floor. When they looked up, they saw Adam Spanker staring at them, his paintball gun pointed at them.

“Now, I’ve got you two dorks!”

Adam couldn’t see it, but rising up behind him was something very big and very purple.

Freddy, who could see this, said, “Uh, Adam, I think you might want to get out of here.” Freddy pointed behind Adam.

Adam slowly turned, and his eyes grew huge. Wally was standing there staring at him. He was so big his head was touching the barn’s ceiling. He bent down so he was eye-to-eye with Adam and started sniffing him.

“Do you have any food?”

“NNN-OOOO,” stammered a terrified Adam.

“Too bad, because that means I’m gonna have to EAT YOU!” Wally opened his enormous mouth.

Adam let out the loudest bloodcurdling scream that Freddy had ever heard and ran out of the barn so fast that he left most of his clothes behind. As they watched him, Si said, “Hey, he’s wearing pink underwear.”

Freddy turned to Wally. “Thanks, Wally.”

“No problem, little dude.”

Curly mumbled, “UhguysIthinkwehaveabig problemrightbehindus.”

They all turned around and stared at what was coming right at them.

“Now you and your freaky friends are gonna get yours, Funky,” yelled Adam Spanker. “Meet Big Benny.”

Spanker’s gang was rolling in the biggest paintball cannon that Freddy had ever seen.

Howie took a step back. “This doesn’t look good, Freddy.”

“I’m gonna cover you and your whole farm with a really special kind of paint, Funky: the kind that stinks and doesn’t come off for at least a month,” crowed Adam.

“I’m not afraid of you, Spanker,” retorted Freddy.

“Oh yeah, why not?”

Wally answered. “Duh, because you’re wearing pink underwear, dude.”

Freddy, Howie, and the Fries all laughed.

Adam turned red. “Well, you won’t be laughing for long. He turned to the gang members operating the cannon. “Ready?”

“No!” shouted Howie, who backed away.

“Aim,” said Adam.

“Cease and desist immediately,” commanded Theodore, but he backed up too.

To protect the others, Freddy threw himself in front of the cannon. But then he felt something grab him and toss him out of the way. He landed in the hay and opened his eyes right as Adam yelled…

“Fire!”

Big Benny roared and the huge paint cannonball exploded out and… and…

“NOOO!” Freddy yelled.

The cannonball flew right into Wally’s enormous mouth. Everyone, including Adam and his gang, stood wide-eyed.

Wally stood straight up, took an enormous swallow, and they all heard the cannonball clunk right into his belly. Everyone kept watching as Wally smiled really big.

“MMMM. Me love whatever it was I just swallowed.”

But then he gave a little shiver and his eyes crossed and he put a hand to his mouth.

“Uhh, Wally, are you okay?” asked Freddy.

“Not feeling too good, little dude.”

Then there was an enormous explosion inside Wally’s belly and it expanded six feet out in all directions.

“OOOOHHHH,” said Wally. He bent over, rubbing his huge belly. “Feeling kind of like when I ate all those pies.”

Freddy looked at Adam and his gang, who were still frozen, staring at Wally.

“Wally, you remember what made you feel better that time…?”

“Good idea, little dudee-rudee. I know just where you’re coming from.”

Wally stood straight up, opened his huge mouth so that it was at least six feet wide, and aimed right at Adam and his gang.

Freddy yelled, “Fire!”

Compared to what came out of Wally’s mouth at that instant, Big Benny seemed like a pop gun.

The entire Spanker gang screamed as one when the brown, sticky goop hit them so hard it blew them across the barn. They landed six feet off the floor and stuck against a wall, groaning and moaning. The entire barn stank!

“Boy, do I feel better,” said Wally.

Freddy and his friends cheered triumphantly. But this was cut short by a shrill sound that drowned out their celebration.

Police sirens!

“Omigosh,” cried Freddy. He peeked out the door and saw the red lights of the police car heading to the farm. “We’ve gotta get out of here.” Freddy kicked Ziggy in the butt and he sprang back together. They all ran out into the rain and sprint-ed to the woods.

They finally stopped to catch their breath. The rain was pouring harder and harder, bouncing off them like beads. Freddy said, “Curly, go up and take a look.”

Curly stretched up for a look around but quickly collapsed back down.

“Lightsinthewoodscomingthiswaybettergo,” he mumbled.

“They’re after us, keep moving,” Freddy translated.

They raced through the trees and then broke into the clear. Freddy stopped dead in his tracks. The Fries did too.

“This indeed presents a considerable conundrum,” said Theodore.

“You took the word right out of my mouth,” said Wally.

“What word?” asked Ziggy.

“Coconutdumdum,” Wally answered.

The raging river was blocking their escape.

“I’ve never seen it this bad,” said Howie. “It must be all the rain. I bet the river’s pouring over the dam.”

“Is there a way around it?” squeaked Ziggy, wiping the rain out of his big eyes.

“No,” answered Freddy.

“Well, do we have to cross it?” asked Si. “I bet there’s a swell hotel right on this side of the river if we just head that way.” He pointed to the right.

“The only thing that way,” said Freddy, “is the dam. And we can’t go to the left because Chief Spanker’s back there. We’re trapped.”

Freddy looked at Curly. “How close are they?”

Curly stretched up in the air and then came back down. “Rightbehindus,” he mumbled.