K'wan - Gutter

“You don’t have to.” He hugged her. “Sharell, you aren’t too far gone to pull it together. If you need a crutch, I’ll be there for you to see you through it.”

“I don’t want charity, Reverend.”

“It ain’t charity, Sharell, I owe this to you.”

She pulled away and looked up at him. “Owe it to me?”

Reverend Greene nodded. He took a few minutes to examine a scuff on the hardwood floor before speaking. “Thirty years ago this up-and-coming little punk came to me to front him a package. The boy didn’t look old enough to be off his mama’s bosom, but he was hungry, and I liked that about him. So, after a little bit of convincing I fronted it to him, which turned out to be one of my biggest regrets in life. Three decades later I find myself looking into the face of his ailing daughter, trying to figure out how to help her pick up the pieces.”

“But, Reverend, you didn’t take my family,” she told him.

“Oh, but I did. I might not have tied your mother off for that last hit, or put them bullets in Malik, but I set off the chain of events. Sharell”-he took her by the shoulders and stood her up-“I couldn’t save your father, but I will save you. Let me help you, child. Let us help you.” He nodded toward the cross.

A million and one thoughts flashed through Sharell’s mind as the weight of his words washed over her. Looking up into the eyes of the man she had known since birth, but actually didn’t know anything about, she felt a tingling in the center of her chest. The tingling became a swelling so intense that she felt as if she was having trouble breathing. “I can’t do it.”

“You can and you will.” He tightened his grip on her arms. “All things are possible through God, but you have to be willing to let him in. Are you willing to accept the lord Jesus Christ as your savior?”

With tears stinging her eyes, Sharell looked up and whispered, “Yes.” Just like that the bubble in her chest burst and she sucked in the cool air. For the next two hours she sat in the pew with Reverend Greene and talked about her life. It felt like the things that had been weighing her down for years began to fall away piece by piece the more she talked. Sharell went on and on and the reverend sat quietly and listened. He wasn’t preaching or judging her, just listening, which is what she needed more than anything else.

True to his word, Reverend Greene helped Sharell get her life back on track. He gave her a part-time job at the church to help her keep up the rent on her parents’ apartment and got her into a nursing program that allowed women to take their GED test while studying to be a registered nurse. From that point on, Sharell devoted her life to the church and helping others find their way. Ironically, the soul she was having the most trouble saving was that of the man who was to be her soul mate, Gutter.

Most of her friends thought that she was out of her mind falling for a gangster, but Sharell saw more than just what was on the surface. In Gutter she saw a brave and loving man who would go above and beyond to provide safety and shelter for his family… a man much like her father. Gutter was way rougher around the edges than her father had been, but still she found comfort and love in his arms. At the end of the day it didn’t really matter to her what the church or anyone else thought about Gutter, what was important was that she would ride for him whether he was right or wrong. The heart was funny like that.

After dressing in a peach sweat suit, Sharell went downstairs and got into her vehicle. It was a candy-red X5 that Gutter had bought her when they moved to Brooklyn. He wanted to keep her sheltered from the violence that was erupting in Harlem, but she still wanted to be in arm’s reach of her friends, so Brooklyn was the compromise.

The ride to Connecticut took her about two hours. Sharell hated driving long distances, but it was for a noble cause. She pulled up to a security booth that sat in the center of a block-long iron fence. After giving the security guard her identification and the name of the patient, Sharell was buzzed through the gate. The grounds of the facility were well kept and smelled of fresh-cut grass. Sharell parked her car in a visitor’s space and began the short walk to the main building.

Orderlies patrolled the grounds and escorted patients on walks. A woman of about thirty gave Sharell a childlike grin. Sharell replied with a wave and a smile. She felt bad for the people who made their home at the facility. As much pity as she felt for them, she knew it was a necessary evil.

Sharell walked through the front doors and made her way down a long corridor. At the end of the corridor was a spacious waiting room. A few people sat around in hard plastic chairs, but the room was relatively empty. When Sharell approached the desk she was greeted by a portly nurse.

“Hello, Ms. Baker.” The nurse smiled. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Sharell replied.

“I see you made it this week.”

“Yeah, I’d like to come more often, but it’s hard for me to get off from work on visiting days. How is she?”

“Up and down.” The nurse sighed. “Some days it seems like we’re making progress, while others she’s totally nonresponsive. She’s eating on her own now, but not doing much else. Come on, I’ll take you to her.”

The nurse led Sharell to a door that required a card to be opened. Beyond the door was another hall with rooms on either side. Each room contained one patient. Some were busy with different activities while others just occupied space. Sharell tried not to stare too long and followed the nurse to the last door.

“You can go on in,” the nurse said, opening the door. “If you need anything, just ask one of the orderlies. Enjoy your visit.”

“Thanks.” Sharell smiled. After the nurse had gone, she took a deep breath and entered the room.

Satin sat in a recliner, staring out the window. Whether she heard Sharell come in or not, she didn’t acknowledge her. It had been about a month or so since she had last seen Satin. She would’ve liked to spend more time with her, but in addition to it being a long drive to the facility, the visits were painful. She couldn’t bear to see what Lou-Loc’s soul mate had become.

Before the murder Sharell hadn’t really had a chance to get to know Satin. They had spoken on the phone once or twice, but that was about as far as it went. They all planned to vacation in Miami Beach when Gutter came out of his coma, but they never got the chance. Gutter had come to visit her when she first came to the facility, but he too found the scene heartbreaking. His visits became less and less frequent, but Sharell still came when she could.

“Hey, baby,” Sharell said, pulling a folding chair beside Satin’s. “How you been?” Satin turned and smiled at her, but she didn’t respond. Sharell was used to this. Sometimes she and Satin would pass a few words between each other, but most of the time, Sharell did most of the talking.

Satin didn’t look anything like the pictures Sharell had seen of her and Lou-Loc. Her hair was uncombed and she had deep circles under her eyes from sleepless nights. She was still beautiful, but she looked worn. The glow appeared to be returning to her color, but she was still pale. Her lips were chapped and she looked like she had put on a few pounds since Sharell’s last visit. At least she was eating.

“Do you feel like talking today?” asked Sharell. Satin just continued to stare. “Satin”-Sharell took her hand-“I know you can hear me. Baby, I’m not even gonna front like I know what you’re going through, ’cause I’ve never walked a mile in your shoes. You’re probably still in a lot of pain, but trust that the Lord will make things right.”