Leonardo Padura - Havana Fever

If you had been able to read it, you would have noted in my previous letter how I decided not to mention things that were too sad. But I think so much, all alone, that I need this confession where I can empty out my soul, and you are the only possible destination. I still think that everything that happened, before your departure, was a cruel blow from fate whose hand you were trying to force and which rebelled, like a curse, to remind you of hallowed alliances. I know: horrible thoughts have passed through your mind and most blame me for what happened. But, knowing me as well as you do, you will not find in your brain (if you are fair) and much less in reality the slightest reason to persuade you I was in any way guilty. What is more, my love: I now believe that nobody is guilty. Life simply tried to correct a deviation and return things to their original place, from where they should never have moved. I know your grief and anger will last a long time, but when oblivion begins to erase those feelings, you will understand I am right and see how unfair you have been to think I was guilty of something which you know only too well, I couldn’t even imagine: the act of causing the death of another person is an act I could never commit, whatever the humiliations and grief I have suffered, whatever the grief inflicted on me by that person’s existence and her undesired presence.

You know that, because of you and your love, I agreed to play the saddest of roles and defer my desires and rights when you embarked on the most ridiculous affair in your whole life. To love her was to kill me. You knew that but didn’t hold back. Often the heart sends out orders when the brain should exercise common sense (something I know only too well) and nothing can resist these orders, although there are times when one has to curb feelings to reach a truth that is just.

3 November

My dear:

Here I am, again.

I left the house yesterday, for the first time since you left. That outing has given me strength to resume this letter I broke off a few days ago, numbed by grief that brought tears and made my hands shake.

Can you imagine where I went? I hope you can, because I did it for you. It was All Saints Day and, as was our wont, I visited the graves of your parents and grandparents, and took them the flowers you liked to place in their pantheon. It was a strange experience because it was the first time I’d done this without you. It was even more difficult because your son came with me. I was afraid to go alone, to go out into a world I feel is increasingly hostile, and, once in the cemetery, the poor boy didn’t understand why his mother cried as if we were attending the burial of a loved one who had recently died. Happily, he doesn’t know and doesn’t suffer. He just thinks I am going mad because I weep over the graves of people who died so many years ago.

This outing helped me to realize how much the country has changed in very few months. From my taxi, I could see how the streets and especially the people still seemed overwhelmed and happy at what is happening, and live normally, without fear of the dangers that increasingly darken the firmament. I found their faces and their eyes expressed a joy that had been hidden too long and, above all, I thought I saw they had hopes and were enjoying a new dignity. How long will this state of collective grace last?… I must confess, my love, that I envied them: they have continued with their lives or rediscovered them (your son, in his fanatical enthusiasm, says they have been re-born) and are enjoying the time they will spend on this Earth with an intensity I could only have felt with you at my side, either here or there. As I watched I was persuaded that this time something important had happened, that nothing would ever be the same again. I suddenly understood that people like you and I belong to a time that has been played out. We are the dead from that past and perhaps that is why the cemetery is the place I saw most changes. You can’t imagine how many graves where the people closest to the family used to gather on this day were quite solitary, without flowers, without the consolation of a beloved hand on the cold gravestone. It was then I had a real measure of what is occurring in a country where the living go far away, in search of happiness, or adapt as best they can and put on a smiling front, while their dead lie abandoned in the most unpleasant solitude.

I didn’t seek to sadden you and make you feel guilty with news like this. You must have a thousand worries on your mind and, it is best for everyone if the dead are left where they are and in the peace they deserve. All the dead. And for life to go on, for those who may still possess such a thing.

My love, lots of kisses to the children and remind them how much I love them. And please, don’t ever forget who most loved you,

Your Nena

He felt his hands sweat as he ever so gingerly lifted up the pick-up arm between two fingers, and moved it backwards so the turntable received its electric go-ahead and started to spin. Then he lowered it slowly, trying to find, though shaking slightly, the first groove on the small acetate. Conde rubbed his hands on his trouser legs and closed his eyes, about to embark on that voyage into the past.

Bitten by the curiosity bug, Yoyi Pigeon had driven him to Skinny Carlos’s house, where the Count knew an old portable RCA Victor record player existed, that might still be coaxed into action. Thanks to that small machine, whose original speaker they once successfully swapped for a German democratic variety, Conde and his friends had listened hundreds of times to the plastic plaquettes on which Cuban engineers, helped by mysterious processes, pressed the music of Paul Anka, the Beatles and The Mamas and the Papas – now on the final strait to his fifties, Conde still got goose-pimply listening to “Dedicated to the One I Love”. Those distant years, when only such quaint methods enabled you to hear groups on the island that were all the rage in the decadent, capitalist remainder of the planet, where they made and broadcast their petty bourgeois music, unsuitable for the ears of a young revolutionary, according to the wise, Marxist decision taken by the state’s ideological apparatus that banned it from radio and etherized it from television. Only a few privileged children of what you’d hardly call groovy mamas and papas in government posts, who were occasionally allowed to set foot in Mexico, Canada or Spain, had access to the original records, which were so excessively used and abused that they often lost their grooves.

Like wizards before a mouth-watering brew, on unforgettable evenings and hot nights, Conde, Carlos, Andrés, Rabbit and Candito, all without the privilege of carrying a single drop of leadership blood in their plebeian veins, resigned themselves to those worn-out discs and, gathered round that same record player, dived in and soaked up the hot sounds and words outside their understanding that could leave no trace of ideology but which nevertheless touched sensitive nerve ends. Several years later, when Carlos finally got hold of a small cassette recorder, his friends ratcheted up their enjoyment of music, on copies no less tatty than the previous plaquettes, recorded on corrosive Orwo cassettes – German and democratic to boot. They entered the world of Blood, Sweat and Tears, Chicago and, above all, Credence Clearwater Revival, and turned “Proud Mary” and the gravely voice of Tom Fogerty into icons of the blood ties they had forged from those harsh times, plagued by material shortages and restrictions and slogans that had to be rigorously obeyed, socialist targets and massmeetings to bolster political commitment. It was, nonetheless, a past that they’d think of as almost perfect, perhaps because of their romantic insistence on keeping it intact, as if hibernating in the favourable mists from the best years of their lives.