Simon Green - The Dark Side of the Road

‘Oh, we’ll be fine!’ said Penny. ‘Long as we bundle up properly. Come on; it’ll be an adventure!’

‘I have had enough of those, in my time,’ I said.

‘I could always ask Roger,’ said Penny.

I sighed, quietly. ‘I cannot allow you to inflict such a penance on yourself. All right; let us go for a stroll and brave the sub-zero temperatures together. Who knows; maybe we’ll bump into a penguin.’

‘You only get penguins in the Antarctic,’ Penny said crushingly. ‘Though I did hear something rather interesting about polar bears, on some documentary, just the other day. Apparently, when they’re sneaking up on someone, across the snowy wastes, the polar bear always raises one arm up across his face. Because his nose is jet black and would stand out against the white background!’

‘Something to bear in mind, while we’re out in the snow,’ I said solemnly. ‘Though actually, that’s not why they do it. Polar bears always raise one arm across their face because they’re pretending to be Batman. Great fans of Adam West, the polar bears.’

Penny giggled, despite herself. ‘Oh, you! Come on, let’s get you properly attired for the great outdoors.’

‘Very well,’ I said. ‘But I reserve the right to head back to the house, at speed, if certain important parts of me start dropping off.’

Penny led me all the way down the hall, to an intimidatingly large cupboard by the front door. Big enough to hold a political gathering in, while swinging a whole bunch of endangered species in an entirely uninhibited manner, and absolutely stuffed full of dozens of fur coats, along with a huge and varied selection of fur hats, gloves, and really heavy boots. No skis or snowshoes, but then, you can’t have everything.

‘Who do all these belong to?’ I said. ‘Can we really just take what we want?’

‘That’s what they’re for,’ Penny said patiently. ‘For Daddy’s guests; as required. You’ve never been to a country house before, have you? Try this one on. It looks your size.’

‘It looks like someone skinned a polar bear,’ I said. ‘And a big one, at that. Does Greenpeace know about this cupboard?’

‘This cupboard probably pre-dates Greenpeace,’ said Penny.

I took off my jacket, hung it carefully on a nearby hanger, and tried on a few fur coats for size.

Penny looked me over, with a considering eye. ‘Nice body …’

‘I can’t take any credit for it,’ I said. ‘It’s what I was given.’

‘At least you’ve looked after it,’ said Penny.

‘Clean living and a vegetable diet … are two things I’ve always avoided,’ I said solemnly. ‘Can’t help feeling there’s a connection.’

It took a while, but we both finally found something we liked; and, half-buried under fur coats, hats, gloves and really heavy boots, we looked each other over critically. Penny took in the tentative way I’d set a Russian fur hat on my head and shook her own head, more in sorrow than anger. She took a firm hold on the hat with both hands and pulled it down hard, until it settled just above my eyes.

‘There,’ she said, stepping back. ‘That’s better.’

‘Shoot me now,’ I said. ‘Before anyone sees me.’

‘You look very stylish!’

‘I do not do the style thing.’

‘You do now; unless you want your brains to freeze inside your head. It’s cold out there!’

‘I had noticed.’

We left the cupboard and approached the front door. Weighed down by our big furs, we didn’t so much walk, as waddle. I pulled the door open, and we stood together in the doorway, looking out on a pristine white world. The harsh cold hit my face like a slap. Penny squeaked loudly and shuddered, despite her many layers of clothing. I didn’t.

A light fog had descended since I arrived, pearly grey mists hanging heavily on the air, cutting off the long view. But the snow had stopped falling, and the wind had quietened down. The outside scene was all peace and quiet, and eerily serene, as though the whole world was waiting for something to begin. I stepped carefully forward, and my heavy boots sank deep into the snow. Penny followed quickly after me, slamming the front door shut behind her.

I took my time, looking around. Snow-covered lawns stretched away in every direction, entirely clean and unmarked, until they disappeared into the flat grey mists. White shapes of covered cars crouched in front of us, while indistinct buildings stretched away to either side of the Manor. Certain vague shapes further away might have been trees or hedges. Winter had laid her hand heavily across Belcourt land, as though trying to wipe out every mark Humanity had made on the landscape. The air was savagely cold, searing my lungs every time I took a breath. Penny huddled in beside me, making quiet noises of distress with every breath, looking around her with wide startled eyes, like a child taken to see Santa Claus’s grotto for the first time.

And then she grinned at me, delighted with her winter wonderland, and I couldn’t help but grin back.

‘If you see a sleigh with reindeer, grab the presents and run,’ I said.

‘The elves would take you down before you managed ten paces,’ said Penny. ‘This way …’

She led the way forward, stomping clumsily through the deep snow, and I strode easily along beside her, kicking the snow out of my way. The grey wall of fog receded before us, reluctantly revealing more and more of the snow-covered grounds. It was getting to be late in the afternoon, and an ominous twilight was descending. There wasn’t a sound anywhere, apart from the crisp crunching of our boots in the snow. Penny looked this way and that, sometimes grabbing on to my arm for support. I let her.

‘I grew up in these gardens,’ she said breathlessly, and just a bit giddily from all the effort. ‘I remember running wild in the gardens, as a small child. I used to make a real mess of the ceremonial flower beds, convinced I was helping. No one ever said anything. I was an indulged child, then. See those great shapes, there, just looming out of the fog? Topiary creatures, cut out of hedges. Looking at them now, buried under the snow, you’d never know what they were supposed to be. I can only tell because I recognize the locations. That one is a giant bunny; that is a lion and a unicorn; and that’s a giant cock. Well done; you didn’t go for the obvious comment.’

‘I wouldn’t dare,’ I said.

And then I stopped abruptly and looked back at the Manor. I could still make the whole thing out, even through the mists. I stared at the house steadily, for a long moment.

Penny looked at the house, and then at me. ‘What? What is it?’

‘I thought … I saw a light,’ I said. ‘Shining out of one of the windows on the top floor. Just for a moment. As though someone inside had opened the shutters, to look out.’

Penny stared dubiously at the top floor. ‘There’s no one up there, Ishmael. All those rooms are locked up and sealed off.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘But I’m sure I saw the same thing when I first arrived here. As though someone was taking a look at me. Taking a specific interest in me.’

‘You think someone in the house is watching you?’ said Penny.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I wonder why.’

Penny sniffed loudly. ‘If you ask me, it’s probably Roger. Spying on us. Let’s give him something to look at!’

She grabbed me by the shoulders and kissed me hard. I stood very still. Her mouth was warm and kind on mine, and her body was a comfort and a promise. Penny stepped back, looked at me for a moment, and then turned and waved cheerfully at the manor house.

‘Get a good eyeful, Roger?’

There was no light at any of the windows, not the slightest movement at any of the shutters.