JASON STARR - Panic Attack

“So you left at six fifteen and called nine- one- one at seven thirty- five, shortly after you discovered the body. Is that correct?”

“Yes, but I stopped off to go shopping at the grocery store on my way home.”

“I thought you came directly home?”

Now there was nothing vague about it.

“Excuse me?” Adam asked.

“I’m just trying to get all the facts, Dr. Bloom.”

“Why does it matter if I stopped to go shopping or I didn’t stop to go shopping?”

“Please just answer my questions.”

“This is absurd,” Adam said. “It’s bad enough that you guys never solved the robbery and you removed the cops who were doing surveillance or protection or whatever, but now you come in here, knowing what’s happened to me today, and you have the balls to accuse me of…” He couldn’t say it, so he said, “Are you out of your mind? Are you fucking insane?”

It felt great to scream, to vent, to curse. This wasn’t necessarily the most productive way to express anger, but sometimes it was necessary.

“You’re going to have to calm down, Dr. Bloom.”

“Calm down? How can I calm down when you won’t even give me enough goddamn Valium?”

“If you’d just relax-”

“You know, instead of wasting my time talking to me you should be talking to Tony, the guy who killed my wife. I’m the victim here-”

“And I’m running this investigation,” Clements said, raising his voice authoritatively. He paused, letting this sink in, obviously getting off on the power trip, then said, “I’ll decide what questions I ask and to whom I ask them, okay? Now, I’ll ask again, how long were you at the grocery store, Dr. Bloom?”

Adam answered the rest of Clements’s annoying questions. He told him that he’d been at the grocery store for about fifteen minutes and that he didn’t speak to anyone while he was shopping and that after he finished shopping he went directly home.

“So I just want to make sure I’m getting all of this. You left work at six fifteen and taking into account the length of the subway ride and the time you were shopping, would you say it took you about an hour to get from work to your house?”

“That sounds about right.”

“So then there’s about a twenty- minute gap between the time you got home and the time you called nine- one- one.”

Adam remembered that after he’d discovered the body he’d sat on the floor in the hallway outside the kitchen, staring straight ahead, stunned. He had no idea how long he’d been there.

“It might’ve taken me longer than an hour to get home,” Adam said.

“But you said you didn’t call nine- one- one right away,” Clements said.

“I was in shock,” Adam said. “I couldn’t react right away.”

“You were in shock for twenty minutes?” Clements sounded incredulous.

It took a few extra seconds for Adam to register Clements’s question. Maybe the Valium was finally working.

“It might not’ve been twenty minutes,” Adam said. “It might’ve been only five… or ten.”

“Well, thanks for your patience,” Clements said. “I’ll be in touch a little later, and I really am sorry for your loss.”

Clements left, and Adam sat alone on the couch, watching the activity in the house. Clements was talking to another cop, and there was a technician nearby who seemed to be looking around for fingerprints or other evidence. For a while, Adam felt like an observer, completely removed, like he was watching a movie. He thought, This has nothing to do with me. This isn’t even happening.

Then, after a few minutes, he realized that although the scene was surreal, he was very much a part of it. Dana was dead, and, even worse, he was a suspect. Maybe not the prime suspect, but still a suspect. Adam couldn’t blame Clements for focusing on him, as there was certainly plenty of circumstantial evidence. His marriage had been on the verge of imploding, he’d been behaving erratically lately to say the least, and, oh, let’s not forget the blood on his shirt- that really made him look great. As far as the police were concerned, Adam already had exhibited homicidal tendencies by shooting and killing Carlos Sanchez the other night, so why not explore the idea that he’d murdered his wife? Besides, when a woman is killed, the husband always has to be ruled out as a suspect, so it was completely understandable that Clements was questioning him.

But it amazed Adam that he’d reached this low point in his life. How had it happened? Just a couple of weeks ago things had been going so well for him. Okay, he and Dana had had some unresolved marital issues, but so did practically every other couple in the world, especially people who’d been married for longer than twenty years. And, yes, Marisssa had been going through her own age- appropriate problems, but for the most part they’d been a happy, together family up until the night that Marissa woke them up and told them that someone had broken into their house. That, in retrospect, had been the big turning point, the moment when everything had begun to go to hell.

Marissa, Adam thought. He had to tell her.

He took out his cell but couldn’t make the call. How do you tell your daughter that her mother’s been killed? Violently killed. Her life would never be the same; she’d have to go through years of therapy just to begin to deal with it, and he felt awful for compounding the hurt, giving her such a hard time with all of that tough love crap. It was clear to him now how inappropriately he’d been behaving toward her lately. He’d been displacing his emotions, punishing her rather than punishing himself. Why had it bothered him so much that she’d had a bong in the house when she barely smoked? Had that really been such a monumental issue? Adam actually regretted that he’d thrown the bong out the other day. He could’ve used a few hits himself right now. He wasn’t sure he could handle making the phone call and was going to ask a cop to make it for him, but then he forced himself to do it on his own. She deserved to hear the news from her father rather than a complete stranger. He couldn’t reach her and didn’t want to leave a message, so he ended the call and figured he’d try again in a little while. She was probably out with Xan. He was glad she had a boyfriend now, a good solid guy. She’d need him to help her get through this.

Adam walked slowly through the house, for some reason hearing in his mind the chorus of Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.” Maybe he had chosen this song because the lyrics reminded him of his current state of mind, or perhaps it was because it reminded him of being a teenager, when he’d lived in this very house, in a much safer, more comfortable time in his life. Jesus Christ, could he stop being an analyst for one minute? Why did everything have to mean something else? Why couldn’t he just accept things for what they were? He peered into the kitchen, looking beyond the crime scene tape, and saw the investigators at work. Dana’s body was still there,› “Well, thanks for your patience,” Clements said. “I’ll be in touch a little later, and I really am sorry for your loss.”

Clements left, and Adam sat alone on the couch, watching the activity in the house. Clements was talking to another cop, and there was a technician nearby who seemed to be looking around for fingerprints or other evidence. For a while, Adam felt like an observer, completely removed, like he was watching a movie. He thought, This has nothing to do with me. This isn’t even happening.

Then, after a few minutes, he realized that although the scene was surreal, he was very much a part of it. Dana was dead, and, even worse, he was a suspect. Maybe not the prime suspect, but still a suspect. Adam couldn’t blame Clements for focusing on him, as there was certainly plenty of circumstantial evidence. His marriage had been on the verge of imploding, he’d been behaving erratically lately to say the least, and, oh, let’s not forget the blood on his shirt- that really made him look great. As far as the police were concerned, Adam already had exhibited homicidal tendencies by shooting and killing Carlos Sanchez the other night, so why not explore the idea that he’d murdered his wife? Besides, when a woman is killed, the husband always has to be ruled out as a suspect, so it was completely understandable that Clements was questioning him.