JASON STARR - Panic Attack

“This isn’t working,” Adam announced.

Carol, completely unfazed, giving her patient the room to express himself, asked, “What isn’t working?”

“This,” Adam said. “What you’re doing right now. I know what you’re doing, because I’d be doing exactly the same thing. You’re trying to treat me, and I don’t want to be treated.”

“What do you want?”

“I want solutions, I want answers, but I’m never going to get them this way.” “How can you get them?”

“See? You can’t stop analyzing me, not even for a second. Analysis won’t work on me. I can help other people, I know I’ve helped other people, but I need to be told what to do, I need to be fixed. I’m screwing up my whole life right now, and I feel like I can’t stop myself. I feel like I’m addicted to very negative behavior.”

“You know I can’t tell you what to do, Adam.”

“Can’t you just talk to me like a normal human being?”

“If you wanted to talk to a normal human being you wouldn’t’ve called me this morning.”

There was a long pause; then they both laughed, a nice icebreaker. “Fine, you want me to help you. You don’t need my help. How’s that for help?” “I’m not a victim, right? I’m in control of my life, it’s not controlling me.” “See? You have all the answers.”

“But knowing this doesn’t help me.”

“That’s a decision you’re making. Do you really want your marriage to end?”

“No,” he said without hesitation, and at that moment he felt he’d made a breakthrough. True breakthroughs were rare in the therapeutic pro cess, but in his experiences with his own patients he’d seen them come at the least expected times. In his case, by confronting Carol about his lack of progress he’d ironically made more progress than he had in years.

Adam desperately needed a day off to pro cess his feelings, but he couldn’t go home. Although he’d gotten more cancellations and no- shows, he still had several patients scheduled. In his current mindset, it was difficult to take on the role of therapist and counsel other people, but he did his best to be attentive, and he managed to get through the day.

After his last patient, he did some insurance paperwork, then left his office at about six fifteen. When he left the subway station in Forest Hills he called home. He wanted to apologize to Dana for giving her the silent treatment and for leaving that note on the blackboard, but the machine answered. He wondered if she was home but was screening his calls. He was going to leave a message or say something like “If you’re there, pick up, I need to speak to you,” but he ended the call, figuring he’d see her in a few minutes anyway. He stopped at a grocery store and did some shopping for the house. There was a long line at the checkout counter, and then the woman ahead of him disputed the price of a canister of coffee, so the cashier- who seemed new- had to do a price check. She paged the manager, but it took several minutes for him to come over and then several more minutes for him to find the actual price and remove the overcharge. Finally Adam checked out and headed home. He couldn’t wait to see Dana, to start communicating with her again. He’d had enough of the childish behavior of the past couple of days and it was time to act like an adult and confront this situation head- on. He knew it wouldn’t be easy. He planned to apologize to her for his inappropriate behavior- while not blaming her for hers- and suggest that they go into counseling. He still felt angry and betrayed, but he felt like he was ready to reach out to Dana and make a recommitment to the marriage. If it turned out they couldn’t resolve their differences, then so be it, but he felt it was important to at least make a serious attempt. He entered the house, noticing that the lights were on upstairs and in the kitchen but the rest of the house was dark.

“Dana!”

No answer.

He called out, “Dana!” a little louder, but there was still no response. He figured she probably heard him loud and clear and was just giving him the silent treatment to get back at him for the way he’d treated her last night and this morning. She often played childish revenge games, though in this situation he couldn’t blame her.

But then, as he was hanging up his coat in the hall closet, he thought, What if she’s with Tony? It certainly wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility that they’d decided to continue their affair. People in full- blown affairs often found it extremely difficult to break up with their lovers. A patient had once told Adam that having to end an affair was one of the most painful experiences of his life, on par with the deaths of his parents.

“Dana!” he called upstairs. “Dana, are you there?”

The house was almost completely silent; the only noise was the wind rattling the dining room windows.

He tried not to get too upset. After all, nothing had actually happened. He’d simply made up a scenario in his head and was reacting to it. He had to be aware of his anger and monitor its effect. As he often reminded his patients, feelings were fleeting. No one stayed angry forever, and no one stayed happy forever, so if you became too attached to your emotions you were setting yourself up for disappointment.

Feeling in control, in what he sometimes referred to as an even- keel state, he entered the kitchen.

At first, he didn’t know what he was looking at. He just knew it that it was something strange, something he’d never seen before. He registered the bright red liquid and the body- a woman’s body- and the knife in her back. It took at least another ten seconds before it hit him that he was staring at his dead wife.

He didn’t even know how the police had gotten here. He didn’t remember calling them; he could barely remember anything since discovering Dana’s body. It was like trying to remember a dream he’d almost forgotten.

“Mr. Bloom?” Adam focused on Detective Clements’s face. Clements was standing, and Adam was sitting on the living room couch next to a guy in a navy hospital uniform.

“I need to talk to you, just for a few minutes,” Clements said. “Is that okay?” Then he said to the guy next to Adam, “Is it okay if I talk to him now?”

“His pressure’s still high, but he should be all right,” the hospital guy said, getting up, then heading out toward the foyer.

Like on the night of the robbery, the house was filled with cops, detectives, and crime scene technicians. Now Adam remembered calling 911, screaming into the phone, frustrated that the woman on the other end didn’t seem to understand him.

“I appreciate you taking a few moments to talk to me,” Clements said. “I know how difficult this is for you right now, but we have to move fast on this thing, and what you tell me right now could be crucial to our investigation. So I’m just gonna ask you a few very brief questions, okay?”

Adam nodded. He felt like he was barely there.

Clements asked a question, and Adam actually couldn’t pro cess what he was saying. He watched his lips moving and heard the words, but the only words he actually understood were “time” and “discover.”

“What was that?” Adam asked.

“I said, what time did you discover your wife’s body?”

“Oh.” Adam was still confused. “I don’t know.”

“You have to focus on this, Dr. Bloom… I know how hard this is.”

“You know how hard this is,” Adam said flatly.

“Excuse me?”

“You said you know how hard this is.” Adam laughed, but not in an amused way. “Sorry, but I doubt you know how hard this is, Detective.”

“You’re right,” Clements said. “I have no idea how hard this is, but you have to bear down now, focus as well as you can just for a few minutes and tell me what I need to know. Do you think you can do that for me, Dr. Bloom?”