JASON STARR - Panic Attack

Adam hated the way Clements was talking down to him.

“I told you about him yesterday,” Adam said. “I told you he left the notes, I told you he might’ve robbed our house. Did you even bother to look into any of this?”

“Yes, we did, Doctor.”

“You could’ve prevented this from happening,” Adam said. “You could’ve arrested him, you could’ve done something.”

“I understand your frustration, but we can’t simply go arrest somebody because we think he might’ve done something.”

“I told you about the notes, and look what he did to me, for chrissake. How do you think I got these bruises on my face?”

“I was going to ask you about your face.”

“Tony did this to me yesterday at the health club. I was angry when I saw the note, so I went over there to… to talk to him, and this is what he did to me.”

“You didn’t mention he hit you when you called me last night.”

“I didn’t?” Adam thought he had, but maybe he hadn’t. It was hard to think clearly about anything right now.

“Maybe if you’d mentioned that, we could’ve held him on assault or at least would’ve had a reason to question him longer than we did. But I did talk to him yesterday, went to his apartment actually. I asked him where he was last Thursday, the day you received the first note, and he claimed he was on Long Island that whole day, helping his brother-in- law paint his house. We checked this out, and I didn’t think there was any reason to believe he was lying. Also, he claimed he didn’t leave any note at your house yesterday.”

“Come on, that’s bullshit.” Adam was practically yelling. “He left the note, he left both notes, and then he came over here and killed my wife.”

“Okay, try to stay calm, Mr. Bloom. We’re one step ahead of you, okay? We’re picking Tony Ferretti up right now, and we’re gonna check him out thoroughly, okay? If he’s our guy we’re not gonna let him get away, okay?”

“He is the guy,” Adam said. “I know he is.”

“What I need to know from you,” Clements said, “is do you have any evidence that Tony was in the house today? I mean, did your wife tell you she was expecting him? Do you know if he called her at some point or came by to talk to her?”

Adam suddenly felt dazed and disoriented.

“You okay, Doctor?”

“Yeah, fine,” Adam said. “What was the question?”

Clements repeated it; then Adam said, “I don’t know, I have no idea.”

“We’ll be looking at the phone records, et cetera,” Clements said. “I just thought you might’ve heard something, or overheard someth-”

“I didn’t hear anything,” Adam said, “but I know he did it. How could it be any more obvious?”

Clements didn’t seem convinced. He asked, “Where’s the note you think Tony left yesterday?”

“It’s upstairs… top drawer of my dresser.”

Clements called another detective over and told him to go up and get the note. “Handle it like it’s evidence,” he said.

“I’m feeling very anxioius,” Adam said. “I need more Valium.” “You’re going to be okay,” Clements said.

“I need a higher dosage,” Adam said. “I’m telling you, he didn’t give me enough before.”

The EMT guy overheard Adam and was about to come over, but Clements held up his hand, making the stop signal, and said to Adam, “You’re going to be fine, okay? Just relax, try to stay focused, okay? When was the last time you saw your wife?”

“This morning,” Adam said, “when I went to work. She was still asleep.”

“And did you talk to her during the-”

“No,” Adam said, “but I was planning to.” He suddenly felt incredibly guilty for treating Dana so harshly yesterday. He was aware of why he’d treated her the way he had, but this didn’t make it seem any better. He had to take a few moments to compose himself before he said, “I was planning to try to talk to her and I… I made a mistake yesterday, confronting Tony, and I said some incredibly hurtful things to her and… Can I please have some more Valium? I’m telling you, the dosage was too low.”

“What time did you come home this evening?” Clements asked, ignoring Adam.

“I’m not sure,” Adam said.

“You called nine- one- one at seven thirty- five,” Clements said. “So did you discover the body as soon as you came home?”

Adam remembered the shock of entering the kitchen, seeing the body on the floor, not knowing what it was at first.

“Yes,” Adam said weakly.

“Yes what?” Clements asked.

“I discovered the body right away. Can’t you get me some more-”

“Did you drive to work today?”

“No… I never drive. I took the subway.”

“Did you notice anything suspicious on your way home from the subway? Anything that just didn’t seem right?”

He thought about it, or tried to, anyway, then said, “No, nothing.”

“So let me get this straight,” Clements said. “You came home, discovered the body, then called nine- one- one.”

“Right,” Adam said, aware of his heart racing. He needed more Valium- now.

“So when did you go over and touch the body?”

Adam was confused. “Touch it?”

“You told the nine- one- one operator you checked to see if your wife was dead. That’s how you got that blood on your sleeves, isn’t it?”

Adam looked at his shirt’s sleeves, surprised to see the smears of blood- Dana’s blood. He felt dizzy and thought he might even pass out.

“I really need more Valium,” he said. “I’m having an anxiety attack.”

Clements waved over the EMT guy, who gave Adam another couple of milligrams of Valium.

Adam had barely finished swallowing the pill and still felt very dizzy when Clements said, “So, about the blood…”

Clements’s total lack of empathy astonished Adam. He waited a few seconds, then said, “I think it was right after I saw her. I was in shock, naturally, and I went over to her, just to, I don’t know, see if there was something I could do.”

Adam realized he hadn’t cried at all since discovering the body and he should be crying, releasing tension.

“I know it’s upsetting,” Clements said. “But the sooner we can get through this, the sooner I can leave you alone to deal with your grief, okay?”

Deal with your grief, like grief was something you could simply deal with- cross it off your checklist and ta- da, you could move on. Did they teach heartlessness at the police academy? Adam didn’t bother responding. His head hurt, and he was still dizzy; when would that damn Valium kick in?

“There was a message on the blackboard in the kitchen,” Clements said. “It says, ‘I want you to move out.’ Who wrote that?”

“I did,” Adam said.

“So you and your wife were planning to split up?”

Again Adam felt extremely guilty for the way he’d treated Dana over the past couple of days, for handling the whole situation so poorly. If he hadn’t confronted Tony, maybe Tony wouldn’t have come over here tonight and maybe Dana would still be alive.

“I was very upset this morning, about her and Tony,” Adam said, “but I was planning to…” He cleared his throat, took a couple of breaths, then continued, “I was planning to try to work things out with her. I didn’t want to leave her. I wanted to stay in the marriage.”

“Did you come straight home from work tonight, Dr. Bloom?”

Was Adam imagining it or was there a change in Clements’s tone? Did he sound harsher, even vaguely accusing?

“Yes, I did,” Adam said. “Why?”

“What time did you leave your office?”

“After my last patient.”

“When was that?”

“About six. No, it was later, six fifteen.”