JASON STARR - Panic Attack

When the cab approached the house and she saw all the police cars, the ambulance, the news trucks, the swarm of reporters, reality hit hard. She was crying uncontrollably, and even with Xan’s arm around her she lost her balance a few times and stumbled on her way toward the house. When the reporters spotted them, they rushed over and surrounded them, shouting questions. She kept her head down, unable to speak, as Xan continued to steer her toward the house, asking the reporters to “stay back” and to “please respect the girl’s privacy.”

Finally they made it inside. She thought she’d feel relief, but, Jesus, it was like the night of the robbery all over again. Cops, strangers, were everywhere. Then her dad came over, and her first thought was He’s like a child. There was something about him that reminded her of a picture she’d seen of him as a little boy. It was the one of him on the beach, maybe Fire Island, where he had just been crying about something and he looked so weak, so sad, so vulnerable.

He held her tightly and they cried in each other’s arms for a long time. She was thinking about how much she missed her mother, how she couldn’t believe she was actually gone; she’d never see her again, and her father was all she had now. Her mom’s family was scattered around the country and had never been very involved in her life, and on her father’s side her closest relative was her grandma Ann, who was in her eighties and had serious heart trouble. So her dad was pretty much it. She was hugging her entire family.

“We’ll be okay,” her dad said. “We’ll get through this.”

She was aware of how appropriately upset her father sounded. There was none of that weird self- delusion and denial. He was having a normal reaction.

They sobbed on each other’s shoulders, and then her father said, “I love you, Marissa. I love you so much.”

After a while, Marissa looked over and saw that Xan was standing a few feet away, and he was crying, too. She went over and hugged him, and then he went over to her father and gave him a big tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, Adam,” Xan said. “I’m so so sorry.”

Marissa was watching her father and Xan consoling each other when one of the cops left the kitchen. As the door swung open, she caught a glimpse of blood on the floor and part of her mother’s leg, and she wailed uncontrollably, “No, Mommy, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!”

It took a long time before her father, Xan, and some EMT guy could calm her down. They took her into the living room, and she was sitting with Xan on the couch when that asshole Detective Clements came over and said he had to talk to her. This was the last thing she was in the mood to do, but she knew she had no choice.

“Can my boyfriend stay with me?” she asked.

“Yeah, that’ll be fine,” Clements said. Then he turned toward her father, who was standing nearby. “But I’d rather you wait in the other room, Dr. Bloom.”

Her father seemed pissed off, and Marissa didn’t get why Clements was dismissing him. It was probably some power trip; the guy was such a prick.

Her father left, and, with Xan holding her hand, Marissa answered Clements’s questions. At first, it was pretty much stress- free because she didn’t have much to tell him. She explained that the last time she saw her mother was at about three this afternoon before her mother went to take a nap, and that when she left her mother was still sleeping. No, she hadn’t heard her mother talk to anyone on the phone, and no, no one had been inside the house when she left.

But then he asked about her parents, if they’d been fighting a lot lately. She told him that there had been a lot of their usual bickering until they’d revealed their affairs.

“Affairs?” Clements asked. “Plural?”

“Yeah, they both cheated on each other.”

“Really?”

Marissa didn’t get why Clements was interested in this or what this had to do with finding out who’d killed her mother.

“You know about my mother and Tony, right?”

“Yes, your father told me about that, but I didn’t know he was having an affair as well.”

“Yeah, with my friend Hillary’s mother, Sharon.”

“Sharon what?” Clements had a pad out.

“Wasserman,” Marissa said.

“Do you know how I can get in touch with her?”

Marissa gave him her phone number, then asked, “But why do you care about my father and Sharon?”

“It’s important for us to know everything that was going on in your mother’s life,” Clements said.

Marissa didn’t buy this and felt like Clements was really trying to find a motive for her father killing her mother. She was shocked and looked over at Xan, who she could tell felt the same way she did. It was great the way they could communicate without speaking. They were like an old married couple already.

Clements asked her if her mother had seemed worried or had mentioned anything about her life being in danger, and she said, “No, definitely not. She seemed normal. Well, depressed and upset about the divorce, but normal.”

“And today she didn’t tell you about any plans to see Tony Ferretti? Or express any fears about seeing Tony Ferretti?”

Marissa was shaking her head. “No, there was nothing like that at all.”

“Getting back to your father,” Clements said. “During their arguments, did you ever get the sense that your mother was, well, afraid of your father? Or did she ever tell you she was afraid of him, or tell you that he threatened her in any way, or that she felt threatened?”

“I don’t believe this,” Marissa said. “You’re not seriously asking me this, are you?”

“Did she or didn’t she?” Clements asked.

Slack- jawed, Marissa looked at Xan, then back at Clements and said, “No, she didn’t.”

“Have you ever seen your father hit your mother or threaten to hit her?”

“No, never,” she said firmly. Then she remembered a time when there had been some violence between her parents.

Clements must’ve noticed her change in expression, because he asked, “Did he or didn’t he?”

“No, not really,” Marissa said. “I mean, I think he pushed her once.”

Clements’s eyes widened. “Really? When was this?”

Why had Marissa brought this up when it meant absolutely nothing? What was wrong with her?

“It was nothing,” she said. “It’s just when I was in high school. My parents were arguing one time and my father pushed my mother and she fell. But it was an accident. He wasn’t trying to hurt her or anything.”

“What about more recently?” Clements asked.

“No, and this is crazy. My father didn’t kill my mother, okay? He loved her. I mean, I know they were getting divorced, but he still loved her. He cared about her-very,verymuch.”

Marissa’s voice trailed off as she started crying again. Xan quickly had his arm around her and was holding her tightly. After a few more questions, Clements told her she could go.

Later, in the foyer, when Clements was in another room, Marissa’s father came over to her and asked her how the questioning had gone.

“Fine,” she said. It was hard to maintain eye contact. “I mean, I didn’t really have anything to tell him. He wanted to know if I knew if Mom talked to Tony today, and I said I didn’t think so.”

“Well, I just heard that the police took Tony in for questioning, so hopefully we’ll have a confession soon.”

“Yeah, hopefully,” Marissa said.

She and her father hugged, but she didn’t feel as close to him as she had before.

“You should go lie down, try to get some rest,” he said.

“I can’t stay here tonight,” she said.

“I was thinking about going to a hotel too,” Adam said, “but do we really want to deal with all of the reporters out there? Besides, Clements said the cops’ll be here all night. Until we figure out what’s going on, the house is the safest place we can be.”