Mike Faricy - Bite Me

“Forget that stuff, it’ll only get you in trouble,” I joked.

“Yeah, trouble,” Gary said wistfully and nodded.

“So look, here’s the deal. You just cover up this shit on Kiki’s bedroom wall, shouldn’t take but a minute, then maybe we’ll go grab something to eat. Sound okay?”

“Tell me what’s with the wall, I feel like I’m not getting the full story here.”

“Oh, I don’t know…”

“Don’t bullshit me, Dev. We’ve known each other too long. You screw something up? What, kick a hole in the wall? ‘Cause that’ll take some sheet rock and taping compound, gonna be more than just a few minutes, stuff has to dry overnight, then….”

“No, nothing like that, just, well there might be a little spray paint.”

“Yeah, I knew it was something. You?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, I think you just answered my question, you did it, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Should be honest with yourself, Dev. You did it, not, you guess.”

I glanced over at him.

“There, see it’s over. Was it so hard? No, of course not. Simple, if only you follow the rules and are honest with yourself.”

“You know me, Gary, I’ve never followed the rules,” I laughed.

Gary sat straight faced and looked at me.

“Yeah, well. Okay, here’s what I’ll have to do. If it’s just one wall I have to paint it corner to corner, otherwise you get some tonal difference and it will look like shit. What’s the girl’s name, Kathy?”

“Kiki.”

“She got the paint?”

“Told me she has everything, paint, tray, roller, the works.” I didn’t mention the dog leash.

“Okay, shouldn’t take that long, we’ll see, but I’m guessing two coats. I can do them both today but it’s gonna take at least an hour between coats to sort of dry, hope it’s latex. Is it?”

“Latex?”

“The paint, oh Christ, it doesn’t matter. Just good to be out, God I haven’t really been out in the world for the better part of a year. Jesus, the women.” He said turning around in the seat again staring at a teenager riding past on a bike. “God, you see that? Man, I’ve been living like a damn monk for forever.”

I pulled into the alley and parked behind Kiki’s house. We entered through the back gate, then climbed up onto her back porch and rang the doorbell.

“Nice shack?” Gary said looking around.

“Hi guys,” Kiki answered the kitchen door, thankfully she was dressed.

“Kiki, Gary. Gary, Kiki. Gary is one hell of a painter extraordinaire, he’ll get that bedroom taken care of. That the paint there?” I pointed my chin at three different gallon cans sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter.

“Yeah, do you think it’s enough to do the job?” she asked.

Gary looked at the cans.

“These are all different colors?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t remember which one we used in the bedroom. They’re all similar but I was hoping maybe you could decide.” She sort of shrugged her shoulders, then bounced her breasts as an added incentive.

“I’m sure we can figure it out. Why don’t you show me the wall,” Gary said.

“Sure, come on. You stay here, Dev. I don’t want you to see my bedroom,” she giggled.

I shook my head but remained in the kitchen. Gary followed Kiki like a little child. I hope he knew what he was in for. I could hear the tone of their conversation coming from her bedroom, but I couldn’t make out what, exactly, was being said. Eventually they returned to the kitchen.

“So I got a drop cloth, tray, roller, roller covers, rag to wipe up drips, masking tape, brush, your choice of paint. You’re good to go. You want a drink or anything?”

“A drink?” Gary asked.

“Yeah, I got a couple different beers in the fridge, a white wine, red wine over in the cabinet there. A full bar in the dining room, if you’re into the hard stuff, you know.”

“No, probably shouldn’t,” Gary said.

“Suit yourself, I’d be drinking all the time if I had to hang around with this character,” she said pointing at me.

“I know what you mean,” Gary said.

“Look, Gary, I’m going to talk Dev into going with me to the store so I can get a few things. You got everything you need?” she asked.

“Yeah, you kids get the hell out of here,” Gary shooed us out the back door with his hands.

“Why do I have to take you to the store?”

“Because,” she smiled.

We went to the hardware store, and the dry cleaners, the grocery store, picked up some sort of make up cream at the hairdressers, got some fish oil tablets at a health food store. With all the driving around I had to refill my gas tank. We’d been gone the better part of three hours when I pulled into the alley behind Kiki’s house. I noticed a broken gin bottle in the alley, but didn’t pay much attention to it.

“I hope Gary was all right, I didn’t think we’d be gone this long,” she said.

I gathered up a handful of shopping bags from my back seat, grabbed the twelve pack of diet Coke she couldn’t live without. Kiki held a cardboard flat filled with little pink flowers in plastic trays.

“He’ll be fine, with any luck he’s finished, I have to check him back in early this afternoon.”

“Check him back in?” she asked, we were climbing the steps to her kitchen door. She’d just set the cardboard flat on the bottom step.

“Oh, he’s in some post treatment joint, they just keep close tabs on the guy is all, don’t want him out drinking, running with the wrong crowd, you know.”

“You knew this and you left him alone in my house? Jesus, Dev, I offered him a drink, told him where the beer and wine and all my liquor was,” she was hurrying now, quickly pushing into the kitchen. I dropped all the shopping bags next to the kitchen counter.

“Gary, Gary we’re back. Gary?” she called, walking quickly down the hall.

“Will you relax, he’s fine, Jesus, how much trouble…”

I heard her scream from the bedroom and ran down the hall. She stood in the doorway with a hand to her mouth, a shocked look on her face. I stared over her shoulder. It looked like Gary had taken one of the gallon cans of paint and just flung the contents. The paint was splashed across wall, over the woodwork, and puddled onto the hardwood floor. Long drip marks ran down the wall.

“Christ, it’s not even the right color,” I said.

“Oh my God, what in the hell… Jesus, my clothes,” she screamed.

Bras and thongs were scattered across the floor on the far side of her bed.

“You didn’t leave them there?”

“Me? No you idiot, of course I didn’t leave them there. Oh my god, he’s ruined my bedroom. He’s ruined it. Your pervert friend has ruined my bedroom, Dev.”

“Look, Kiki, I don’t know what to say, I didn’t think…”

“Stop right there. Oh my god, you complete and utter idiot,” she screamed and picked up an empty bottle of lubricant off the floor next to her scattered thongs.

“Maybe now’s not the best time for that,” I said, then ducked as she threw the bottle at me.

“Get out of my house,” she screamed.

“Look, maybe I could help clean…”

“Get out of my god damned house you asshole, get out, get out, get out!”

I decided not to wait until the knife came out. I dashed through the kitchen and out the back door.

“Call you later,” I yelled as I jumped off the porch, ran to my car and drove off.

I had no idea where to start looking for Gary so I went to The Spot. I stuck my head in the door and asked Jimmy.

“Hey, has Gary Hobson been in here today?”

“He quit drinking, Dev. Went to some high price treatment facility.”