Mike Faricy - Bite Me

It was bigger than a steak knife, not quite a carving blade, but still capable of doing some very serious damage. The knife came with a bright red handle, the kind sculpted to fit your fingers and hold a blade that gleamed viciously. I dodged the swipes again and pleaded.

“Put the knife down, just put the knife down, please,” I tried to sound calm.

Another wild swipe, this one slashing very close to the tip of my nose.

“Look can we talk about this, take it easy.” I was aware panic had caused my voice to rise about two more notches. I was hoping I didn’t have to throw a punch.

“Get out. Just get out, I want you out of here now, do you hear me, now. Get out,” she screamed.

“Okay, okay, Christ just let me get dressed and…”

“Get out now or I swear I’ll cut you up into the tiniest little pieces. I will, you creep, I swear I will.”

“Hey Kiki, I believe you, okay? Just let me get my jeans on, if you could just hand them to me and…”

“Get out of my bedroom,” she screamed, then slashed wildly through the air again.

“Just give me my jeans, I promise I’ll leave, but I have to have some clothes, look you can keep the shirt, I never liked that one anyway.”

“Get out, get out, get out,” she screamed, slashing back and forth with every shriek.

Talk about a date going down the drain. Everything was fine until the shots of tequila, mores the pity. Still, I thought there might be an outside chance she was just playing hard to get.

“Look, maybe if we just got back into bed …”

She lunged at me, tripped over my jeans on the floor and fell. She curled up in a fetal position, naked on the bedroom carpet and began to sob. Even when she was trying to kill me she looked incredibly hot. I couldn’t stop staring at her thick brunette hair, creamy white skin, fantastic hips, those cute little feet.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just such a bitch, sometimes,” she sobbed.

No argument there, but the only person I was feeling sorry for right now was me. I picked up the knife, quickly pulled on my jeans, slipped on my shoes.

“Keep the boxers and socks Kiki, it’s been a unique experience. I’ve never spent the night with a woman who kept a knife under her pillow.”

I pulled the shirt over my head then buckled my belt as I made for the bedroom door.

“Phone me tomorrow, Dev, promise?” she called, sitting up and wiping the tears from her eyes. Her smeared mascara looked like hastily applied war paint.

“Yeah sure,” I lied. Hoping she would just stay put so I could make it to the front door.

“I’ll lock up behind you,” she called, then staggered to her feet and hurried to catch up, sniffling as she came. She stopped at the dining room table, poured herself a quick shot and tossed it back. “Ahhh.” Then grabbed an apple from a dish in the center of the table.

I realized I was still carrying the knife and increased my pace without actually running. I made it to the door, opened it just as she hurried across the living room.

“Do you have to go? You’ll call?” she asked, standing naked in the doorway. She calmly took a bite out of the apple and waited for my reply.

The only call I was going to make was to 911, but then, why bother? One look at Kiki, gorgeous, naked, asking me to stay and the cops would haul me away.

“Hey, I’ve got an early meeting, catch you later.” I said and then pulled the door closed behind me, she snapped the lock on the other side. I paused, left the knife on the porch and wondered what time it was, the sun was up, birds were chirping. My watch was still inside, probably somewhere in Kiki’s bedroom. Screw it. I could always get another watch.

“Bastard,” I heard her scream inside. Then, the unmistakable sound of something shattering as the shot glass sailed through a pane in the side window.

That was my traveling music. I climbed behind the wheel of my DeVille and raced off. The clock on my dash read three-twenty-seven, but it had been like that for the better part of the year. I started pushing radio buttons to see if someone might mention the time. They didn’t.

Once home I pushed a chair in front of the door just in case Kiki showed up to make good on her promise to kill me. I napped fitfully on the couch until I finally gave up and drifted over to my office. Not that I had anything to do here, except look out the window at The Spot bar across the street. It was too late to join the lunchtime crowd and too early to stop in for a nightcap.

I got six months office rent free in lieu of payment on a case I’d worked last New Years. A guy I knew bought a bar, hired a number of employees based on breast size then wondered why he was losing money. Three nights of me posing as a new hire got the answers to most of his questions. If he ran his bar anything like the building where my office was he wasn’t going to stay in business very long.

I’d been staring out my second story office window for fifteen or twenty minutes, leering at female passers by when the phone rang.

“Haskell Investigations,” I answered.

“Mister Haskell, please,” a male voice said, then coughed.

“You got him.”

“Oh well, this is Farrell J. Earley, I got your name from my sister, Kiki.”

“Kiki?”

“Yes, I spoke with her about an hour ago.”

“Yeah, well look I can explain, see your sister…”

“Relax, I know, she can kinda go over the edge every now and again.”

“That’s an understatement. It would have been nice to know that before she had a knife in her hand. She threatened to cut me up into tiny pieces.”

“That’s Kiki.”

“Well, look I don’t know what she told you, but I can assure you that I behaved like a perfect gentleman.”

“Yeah, sure you did, that’s her hot button, gentlemen. To tell you the truth, Mister Haskell, I don’t really care, thing is, while Kiki was ranting she mentioned that you were a private investigator. I’d like to hire you.”

“Call me Dev,” I said.

“Okay, Dev. I’d like to contract your services, that is, if you’re available.”

The only thing I had going on was Jameson night at The Spot on Thursday.

“Well, why don’t we meet, discuss your needs and then if you’re still interested I’ll see if I can adjust my schedule.”

“Can you make it today?”

“I can, where would you like to meet?”

“I’m over here at Craze, K-R-A-Z,” he pronounced each letter like it would mean something to me. I hadn’t the foggiest idea what in the hell he was talking about.

“That still in the same place?” I asked hoping for a clue.

“Yep.”

“I’m in a meeting until about four, rush hour and all, what would be the quickest way over there from downtown?”

“You know with the construction and all, take 94, get off at Snelling.”

“That’s what I figured, pretty sure I know the building, but give me the address anyway,” thinking come on, man.

“Fifteen thirty-seven, we’re up on the sixth floor.”

It was like pulling teeth to find out where in the hell he was.

“Mister Earley, give me your phone number there in case I’m running late, I don’t anticipate any problems, but better safe than sorry.”

He gave me his number. I hung up, then dialed the number, figured the receptionist would tell me the street.

Someone answered with a cough, it was Farrell’s, apparently his cell phone.

“Hello?”

“Mister Earley? Dev Haskell, again, must have misdialed, in the process of adjusting my schedule, sorry to bother you.”

“Not a bother, still see you at four?”

“Four it is.”