Michael Pearce - The Mingrelian Conspiracy

‘Again, I must apologize.’

‘Well, men must be men, I suppose. If they were not, where would we be? Better that than the reverse. There are too many youngsters these days-’

‘Grandfather!’ said Katarina warningly.

‘Yes, well, as I was saying, men must be men. They were soldiers, after all. I was a soldier once-’

There was a faint sigh from Katarina.

‘Not only that,’ said Owen quickly, ‘the fighting started, or so I understand, over a question of honour. National honour.’

‘Really?’ said the old man.

‘Yes. Some of these soldiers are Welsh. That is to say, they come from the Pays de Galles. It’s part of Britain, a separate country, you understand, only we were taken over by England-’

‘A separate country? Taken over?’

‘A long time ago, of course. A very long time ago. Centuries.’

‘You said “we”.’

‘Well, I have to confess, I’m Welsh myself.’

‘You are? Well, that is most interesting. Most, in fact, encouraging. And these soldiers were Welsh?’

‘Half of them. Something stupid was said, whether it was by the Welsh or by the English, I don’t know, but exception was taken to the remark-they were looking for a fight, anyway, I imagine-and then the stupid idiots-’

‘Not stupid at all! Quite proper. One must defend one’s nation’s honour. And some of these were Welsh you say?’

‘Yes-’

‘There are mountains in Wales? I heard them singing of valleys and where there are valleys there must be-’

‘Hills, rather. Yes, the Welsh are very attached to their valleys.’

‘A mountaineering race?’

‘Well, no, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that.’

‘You are too modest. Mountaineers and fighting men!’

‘Look, Wales is not exactly like the Caucasus-’

‘Too modest, too modest! But then, you don’t have to assert yourselves like us. We are only a small country.’

‘Wales, actually, is not that large.’

‘A small country too!’ The old man almost rubbed his hands. ‘Then there are affinities between us. Language? Now what is your language?’

‘Welsh. Look-’

‘A separate language? Distinct?’

‘Yes, but-’

‘Threatened?’ the old man said significantly.

‘Well, yes, there’s a danger of it dying out-’

The old man sat back.

‘Perhaps this is the answer to our prayers,’ he said.

‘I don’t quite-’

‘So many things in common. Perhaps we could stretch a point: Mingrelians and neighbouring countries.’

‘Neighbouring? They’re about a million miles apart.’

‘I was talking spiritually. Neighbouring in spirit. It’s reasonable. Sometimes we used to go out and capture a woman from a neighbouring tribe and there was never any difficulty about that. She soon became assimilated. Of course, that was a man taking a woman. It would be different if it was a woman taking a man. Of course, times are different now. More liberated. I see no reason why a woman shouldn’t take a husband from a neighbouring tribe, neighbouring spiritually, I mean-’

‘Grandfather!’ said Katarina, scandalized. She took him by the arm. ‘Come on!’ she said. ‘It’s time you went up for your nap!’

‘Yes, yes.’ He stood up shakily. Owen realized that he was far older than he appeared. ‘I accept your apology,’ he said suddenly.

‘Thank you. I can only repeat-’

‘But I’m not withdrawing the complaint.’

‘Not withdrawing the complaint? But-’

‘We have to stand up for ourselves. Even against our friends. We must not back down.’

‘But surely an apology-’

‘No. I feel half inclined, I must say, to accept it from the Welsh but not from the English, but that would hardly be fair. Anyway, what does it matter? What is a complaint? In Egypt?’

‘Well, we don’t like to leave complaints unanswered-’

‘Think nothing of it. Now that you have apologized, we shall not take military action.’

‘Thank you. But couldn’t you withdraw your complaint as well? The fact is, well, there was another complaint too, and it’s a bit awkward-’

‘Another complaint?’

‘Yes, from the Russian Charge, actually, and we’re a bit afraid there might be international-’

‘Russian? Did you say Russian? The soldiers insulted him as well?’

‘Well, yes, I’m afraid so-’

‘Brave men! Magnificent men! There, what did I tell you?’ he said fiercely, snatching his arm from Katarina’s hold. ‘Men of spirit! God, that’s the way to treat the Russians! Our allies! Didn’t I tell you they were our natural allies? God, if only I was young again-’

Katarina dragged him towards the door.

‘Complaint?’ he shouted over his shoulder. ‘No complaint at all. Far from it! The Russians? Oh, no complaint at all!’

'It’s an affront!’ said the Charge.

‘Which we deeply regret,’ said Paul, ‘and shall do something about.’

‘Have already done something about,’ supplemented Owen. Paul had asked for support in his grovel and Owen had agreed to accompany him.

‘I am glad to hear it,’ said the Charge. ‘The men have been flogged?’

‘Well, not exactly-’

‘Yet,’ said Owen quickly. ‘There are a few processes to go through first.’

‘A military court, you mean? Well, there is something to be said for letting criminals experience the full majesty of the law. It inculcates respect for authority.’

‘Quite so.’

‘All the same,’ said the Charge, ‘the sooner they are flogged, the better. It’s like a dog. The longer the gap between crime and punishment the harder it is for the creature to understand. Soldiers are animals and should be treated as such.’

‘Well, yes, but-’

‘Believe me. I was in the Army myself, the Russian Army, that is. I know. They’re all peasants, you see, and as stupid as oxes. The only way you can drive anything into their thick heads is with the whip. Even then it’s difficult. Being peasants, they’re used to it. They don’t feel it as we would. It’s got to follow sharply after the event. And no half measures, either! How many lashes?’

‘How many-?’

‘I’d advise at least sixty. Some say forty, but I think you’ve got to allow for the sun-’

‘The sun?’

‘Hardens the skin. They don’t feel it as much. No, in my view sixty should be standard. Of course, in a case as serious as this the standard is hardly good enough. No, on second thoughts it should be more. Eighty, perhaps. A hundred for the ringleaders.’

‘We’ll bear your advice in mind.’

‘Do. Do. Glad to share my experience with you. You’ll let them drink, of course?’

‘Well, I rather think they’ve been doing too much of that already-’

‘No, no. Just before they’re flogged. A glass or two of vodka. It makes it easier for them. I used to give them a bottle. I’m a humane man, you know.’

‘Well, of course, each country has its own practices-’

‘It doesn’t have to be vodka. Whisky would do. Or rum. You used to use rum, I believe, in the British Navy?’

‘I believe so, yes. A while ago.’

‘It’s better if they’re drunk. Mind you, some would say they’re drunk all the time.’

‘Yes, our soldiers have much in common.’

‘Discipline. That’s what they need.’

‘They certainly do. And I’m sorry you should have suffered because of a lack of it on the part of our soldiers.’

‘It’s nothing, it’s nothing. If it were just myself I would say no more. But, of course, an affront to my country-well, I am bound to resist that. Especially with the Grand Duke’s visit so imminent.’

‘Grand Duke?’ said Owen.