William Johnston: Get Smart Once Again!

“That fixed it!” Max said to Peaches. “It’s out of order. Noman’s means of communication with the taxi has been destroyed.”

“How does that help?” Peaches asked.

“I won’t have his voice barking at me, and I can concentrate on how to get out of this fix,” Max replied. “I was getting an idea, but he kept babbling at me, and the idea kept slipping away.” He frowned thoughtfully. “Let’s see-what was my idea?”

“I don’t think it matters much, Max,” Peaches said. “We’re still headed for the Potomac.”

“Yes, he’s still driving the car by remote control.”

“Max, let’s give up,” Peaches said.

“Up! That’s it!” Max said. “That’s my idea! We’ll pop ourselves ‘up’ into the air.”

“You mean the ejection seat?”

“Exactly.”

“But we don’t have a parachute. We’ll be killed in the fall.”

“Long before that, I imagine,” Max said. “It’s only spring now. We’d hit the ground long before fall. That is-unless!”

“Unless what?”

Max took oil his shoe and dialed.

Chief: Back in town again, Max?

Max: Not again, still. Chief, do you have a whirly-bird handy?

Chief: Just a second, Max. I’ll look in the canary’s cage. It sometimes has strange visitors.

Max: Hold it, Chief. I’m referring to a helicopter.

Chief: Oh. Yes, I have a helicopter handy, Max.

Max: Does it have a large net hanging below it, Chief?

Chief: No.

Max: Too bad. I had a great idea.

Chief: But we could hang a large net below it, Max. Would that somehow help?

Max: Chief, I think you’ve saved our lives. I want you to send the helicopter up over the city. And, uh, don’t forget the net.

Chief: Then what, Max?

Max: Tell the pilot to look for a speeding taxi that is headed straight for the Potomac. When he spots it, tell him to hover over it.

Chief: Got it, Max. Hover over.

Max: I’ll take it from there, Chief.

Chief: I hope you know what you’re doing, Max.

Operator: Me, too. He’s wearing our shoe.

Max: Stay out of this, Operator.

Operator: All right. But no more kicking in speakers with our shoe. You scuffed it.

Max: Sorry about that.

Max put his shoe back on. “Get set,” he said to Peaches.

“Take care of your shoe,” she said.

Max stared at her. “You, too!”

“I own stock in the Telephone Company,” she explained.

Max cocked an ear. “I hear a helicopter. That was fast work.”

“Max! I’m afraid!”

“There’s no time for that,” Max said. “Now, do just exactly as I say.”

“I can’t! I’m afraid.”

“Since there’s only one ejection seat,” Max said, “I want you to come up here and sit on my lap.”

“I can’t. I’m-Oh… that’s different. That’s romantic.”

Peaches climbed into the front seat and settled on Max’s lap.

“Ready?” he said.

“Do we have to rush?” Peaches asked. “This is the first really romantic thing that’s happened to me since I became an empty-headed blonde. Why spoil it?”

Max cupped a hand around his ear. “I can’t hear you over the roar of the helicopter motor!”

“I say, ‘This is neat!’ ” Peaches screamed.

Max nodded. “Right-I’ll activate the seat!”

Max pulled the ejection lever, the roof of the cab slid back, and the seat, Max and Peaches rocketed into the air.

They shot past the helicopter.

“Higher!” Max shouted at the pilot.

The helicopter hurried after them as they zoomed higher.

“Nice view from up here,” Max said to Peaches. “Look-the people appear to be so small that they look like ants.”

Peaches looked down. “Those are ants, Max.”

“Oh… yes. The people must be the big ones, then. I thought there for a moment that we were being invaded by a race of giants.”

They reached the apex of their flight, hesitated in mid-air, then plummeted downward. A second later they passed the helicopter.

“Lower!” Max shouted at the pilot.

The helicopter hurried after them as they hurtled downward.

“Max, if we’re higher than the helicopter, how will the helicopter catch us in that net-since the net is below the helicopter?” Peaches asked.

“That will be a problem,” Max said. “I suspect the pilot will have to execute a deft maneuver.”

At that very moment, the pilot executed a deft maneuver, catching Max and Peaches in the net. Then, Peaches and Max climbed the rope ladder and joined the pilot in the cockpit of the plane.

“Magnificent!” Max said to the pilot.

“Thanks to you, Max,” the pilot said. “I didn’t know what to do until I heard you suggest that deft maneuver.”

“It was the only thing to do,” Max said.

“Where to now?” the pilot asked.

“To the pier,” Max replied.

“I can’t land there,” the pilot replied. “There isn’t space.”

“Then drop us at my car,” Max said. “It’s parked outside Control headquarters.”

“Right-o!”

“Drop us?” Peaches said to Max.

Max turned back to the pilot. “Scratch that,” he said. “Make it ‘land us’ at my car.”

“Right-o!”

A few minutes later, the helicopter landed in the street beside Max’s car. Max and Peaches thanked the pilot again, then got out and walked to the car.

“I thought you said your car had a bug in it,” Peaches said.

“It does. But it’s safe unless you slam the door. Just don’t slam the door.”

“I’ll try to remember that. But, you know me, I’m just an empty-headed blonde.”

Max and Peaches got into the car. But instead of starting the engine, Max took off his shoe.

“Reporting in again?” Peaches asked.

“Yes. The Chief worries when I ask him to send a helicopter to circle over a cab that’s headed straight for the Potomac and don’t tell him why.”

Max dialed.

Chief: Max? Is that you? Are you safe?

Operator: Never mind about him. How’s our shoe?

Max: I am fine. Peaches is fine. And the shoe is fine.

Chief: Max, why did you want that helicopter?

Max: I had to activate an ejection seat, Chief, to get out of that cab. And I wanted the helicopter and the net to be there when we were shot into the air.

Operator: Eeeeek! Our shoe! It could’ve been killed!

Max: Operator, will you get off the line, please!

Operator: Was it frightened, poor thing?

Max: No, the shoe was the calmest of the three of us. Now, please, get off the line!

Chief: Just ignore her, Max. Incidentally, where are you now?

Max: Parked out in front of Control headquarters, Chief.

Chief: Out front! Max, you left here early this morning headed for New York, Moscow and Peking, and that’s as far as you’ve got?

Max: Chief, I think I detect an undercurrent of chagrin in your tone.

Chief: I don’t know why. Frankly, Max, I’m surprised you’ve managed to get that far. I didn’t think you’d make it out the secret exit. You know how you always get lost down there.

Max: Shall we talk about happier things, Chief?

Chief: For instance?

Max: Well, right now, we’re going to drive straight to the pier and board an excursion boat for New York. We might think about a bon voyage party.

Chief: That wouldn’t be proper, Max. You’re on duty.

Max: That’s right-it wouldn’t be proper. I forgot about Rule 707: Never mix business with pleasure.

Chief: That’s Rule 303, Max. Rule 707 is: Never lose your parachute, or it’ll come out of your salary.

Max: I wish you hadn’t mentioned that, Chief. It’s a painful subject.

Chief: Keep in contact, Max. And… bon voyage.

Max: Will do, Chief. And thank you.

Operator: Bon voyage, shoe.