William Johnston: Get Smart Once Again!

Noman sighed. “Oh, all right. But your lack of faith in your fellow man is certainly disheartening.”

“When you’ve been in this business as long as I have, you get a lit-tle cynical,” Max replied.

The door of the lounge car opened and the conductor stepped out.

“Excuse me, Conductor,” Max said. “But when do we come to the next tunnel?”

The conductor got out his watch. “Oh, in about-”

“Max! Tell him!” Peaches said.

Max looked at her blankly. “Tell him what?”

“Tell him that You-know-who has a you-know-what!”

“Peaches, you’re not making any sense.”

“Noman! Gun!”

“Oh… that.” Max turned back to the conductor. “Conductor, it is my duty as a passenger on this train to tell you that Noman has a gun.”

“Glad to hear it,” the conductor replied. “If there was a man on this train with a gun, I’d toss him off.” He moved on. “The next tunnel will be along in about two minutes,” he said, entering the next car. The door closed behind him.

“Well, I tried,” Max said.

“And nicely, too,” Noman said. “My heart was in my mouth. But.. you failed. So, get ready to jump!”

“Ready?” Max said to Peaches.

“Ready,” she whined.

“Just one other thing-the Plan,” Noman said.

“Oh… yes… sorry.” Max handed over the Plan. “In times of stress like this,” he apologized, “I sometimes overlook the small details.”

“We’re coming to the tunnel!” Noman warned.

“Will it be dark?” Max asked.

“I hope so,” Noman replied. “I couldn’t stand to see it.”

Ahead, the engine tooted.

“This is it!” Noman said.

They were suddenly plunged into total darkness.

“Now!” Noman cried.

Max and Peaches, hand in hand, jumped!

“We seem to have landed on moving ground,” Max said.

“I have that sensation, too,” Peaches replied.

Then there was light.

Max and Peaches looked around.

“We’re in a box car,” Max said.

“It’s a miracle!” Peaches enthused. “Our train must have been passing a freight train in that tunnel. And when we jumped, we jumped into the open top of this box car.”

“I wonder where it’s headed?” Max said.

“Well, it’s going in the opposite direction from the passenger train. So it must be headed for- Oh, Max, no!”

Max sighed deeply. “Back to Washington!”

“And Noman is headed for New York!”

“Yes,” Max smiled, “but empty-handed.”

“What do you mean?”

“When the lights went out,” Max explained, “I reached out and snatched. And I have here-” He held up a sheet of paper. “I have here-” Looking at the paper, his expression changed, losing its smile. “I have here your list of romantic things to do,” he finished sorrowfully.

“But, Max, you couldn’t have my list.”

“How’s that?”

“Because, well, when I felt someone snatch my list, I snatched back. And I have it right here.” She showed him a sheet of paper.

Max looked at it. His smile returned. “You got the Plan,” he told her.

She shoved the sheet of paper at him. “Take it! Give me my valuable list!”

They exchanged sheets of paper.

“I better report in to the Chief,” Max said. “A lot has happened since we last talked.”

“I wouldn’t tell him where we’re headed, if I were you,” Peaches said. “He’s liable to lose confidence in you.”

“That’s not likely,” Max said, removing his shoe. “The fact that we’re on our way back to where we started is only a minor episode in this broad panorama of intrigue. It could happen to anybody,” he said, dialing.

Operator: Cut it out, Max. A compartment on a train was hard enough to believe. But a box car?

Max: Where I go, my shoe goes.

Operator: Our shoe. And we don’t appreciate your wearing it in a box car. How do we know what’s been carried in that box car?

Max: I promise to keep it off the floor.

Operator: I’d like to see that.

Max: Operator, will you please put me through to the Chief? He worries.

Operator: So do we. You could ruin that shoe, the places you take it.

Max: Operator… please…

Operator: Don’t get itchy.

(Pause)

Chief: Is that you, Max? Where are you now?

Max: I’m happy to report, Chief, that Peaches and I are aboard a train.

Chief: Good. The Trans-Siberian Railway, I assume.

Operator: Ha!

Max: Not exactly, Chief. But that’s close-in a sense.

Chief: If you’re not in Russia aboard the Trans-Siberian Railway, Max, then where are you?

Max: Sorry, Chief, that’s classified information.

Chief: Oh. Well then, can you give me a hint? What do you see when you look out the window?

Operator: Who ever heard of windows in a box car?

Chief: Max… did she say box car?

Max: She said ‘lox car,’ Chief. You know how some pullman cars are named after states and cities? For instance, ‘The Spirit of St. Louis’? Well, this pullman was named after a specialty at a corner delicatessen.

Chief: That’s hard to believe, Max.

Max: Would you believe ‘sox car’? That it was named after a fellow whose first name was Bobby?

Chief: I don’t think so, Max.

Max: How about ‘pox car’? That it was named after a chicken?

Chief: Max, tell me, truthfully, what do you see when you look out the doorway of your box car?

Max: Well, a tall, skinny monument, for one thing, Chief.

Chief: And what might the name of that tall, skinny monument be, Max?

Max: Sam Schwartz?

Chief: Is it named after the Father of our Country, Max?

Max: Is Sam Schwartz the Father of our Country, Chief? That comes as a great surprise to me. I’ve always thought it was George Washington. Well, live and learn.

Chief: You just said it, Max. Now, admit it, you’re back in Washington, aren’t you?

Max: Not quite, Chief. But ask me that question again in about ten minutes and I think I can give you an affirmative reply.

Chief: Max, it’s mid-afternoon, and you’ve been trying to get out of Washington since early morning. What happened?

Max: Would you believe a wrong turn, Chief?

Chief: Don’t start that again, Max. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed in you. I gave you the Dooms Day Plan and told you to run, and you’re still in town.

Max: Chief, would you believe that the lights have been against me?

Chief: Stop it, Max. Tell me what really happened.

Max: Oh, all right. In the first place, we got aboard a plane that was flying in circles. In the second place, we drove the wrong way on a two-way highway. In the third place, we jumped into a freight train that was headed in the opposite direction. There, now, that’s the truth.

Chief: Why didn’t you say so? That could happen to anybody, Max.

Operator: Anybody like him, it could. He couldn’t find his own foot with our shoe.

Max: Well, Chief, I’m sure it will be all clear sailing from now on.

Chief: What makes you so sure, Max?

Max: Because when this freight train gets to Washington, we intend to take an excursion boat to New York.

Operator: They’ll never let you on the bus with it.

Max: I think we’ve run that gag into the ground, Operator. Will you drop it, please?

Operator: All right. But it’ll make an awful splash.

Max: Chief, I can’t talk to you any more. There’s too much interference.

Chief: Just one thing, Max. Have you deciphered the code yet?

Max: No, Chief. But I expect to have the answer very soon. I’m going to begin using Peaches’ system of transposing the letters into numbers, and the numbers into letters, and the letters into- Well, you get the idea.

Chief: Good luck, Max.