William Johnston: Get Smart Once Again!

“Why is that?”

“They named a compartment after him,” Max said.

“Maybe it was some other 44,” Peaches said.

“That’s possible.”

They met a porter coming along the aisle from the opposite direction. Max stopped him.

“Porter, we’re looking for Compartment 44,” Max said. “Do you have any idea where it might be?”

“Yes, sir. Right between Compartment 43 and Compartment 45.”

“That’s helpful. Now, where would we find, say, Compartment 45?”

“Well, sir, that’s right between-”

“Never mind,” Max broke in. “I’ve found it. It’s right here-this compartment we’re standing in front of.”

The porter looked and nodded. “That’s it all right, sir. Right where I said it was-right between Compartment 43 and Compartment 45.” He opened the door. “Right in here, sir, and lady.”

Max and Peaches stepped in. The porter followed them.

“May I see your tickets, sir?” the porter said.

Max handed him the tickets. “That’s for a round-trip one-way,” he said.

“Yes, sir, I see it is.” The porter pointed to the right-hand seat. “The lady sits here,” he said. He pointed to the left-hand seat. “And the gentleman sits here.”

“Why is that?” Max asked. “Why can’t we sit in any seat we want to?”

“You got a round-trip ticket, sir,” the porter explained. “One seat is the ‘going’ seat and the other seat is the ‘coming’ seat. You sit in the ‘going’ seat, and the lady sits in the ‘coming’ seat.”

“I’m sorry I asked,” Max replied. “All right, porter. Thank you for your help. I’ll call you if I need you.”

The porter backed out and closed the door.

“He looked familiar to me, Max,” Peaches said.

“I don’t wonder. He looked like a typical pullman porter.”

“Yes, I suppose that was it.”

Max went to the window and raised the shade-and found himself face-to-face with Agent 44.

“Good to see you again,” Max said. “Unless, of course, you’re Noman masquerading as Agent 44.”

Agent 44 made signals, indicating that he could not hear Max through the window.

“I said, ‘Good to see you again’!” Max shouted.

“Why don’t you open the window, Max?” Peaches suggested.

“Because train windows do not open.”

Peaches went to the window, touched a finger to the bottom of the frame, and raised the window easily.

“Let me put it another way,” Max said. “ Normally, train windows do not open.” He turned back to Agent 44. “Good to see you again,” he said. “Assuming, of course, that you’re not Noman.”

“I don’t think I am,” 44 answered. “What does he look like?”

“If he’s in a public locker, he looks like you,” Max said.

“Ask him if he has my list of romantic things to do,” Peaches said. “If he does, he’s Noman. If he doesn’t, he’s 44.”

“I’ll try that,” Max said. He turned back to Agent 44.

“I don’t have it,” 44 said.

Max turned back to Peaches.

“Then he’s 44,” she said.

Max turned back to Agent 44. But he was gone.

“I felt a little left out of that conversation there at the end,” Max said, closing the window.

“Shhh!” Peaches said. “I’m trying to remember what I had on my list of romantic things to do.”

“You were going to dunk Al Capone in a fountain, I remember that,” Max said.

“That doesn’t sound romantic.”

“It does to me. But then, all fountains sound romantic to me,” Max said.

“Candlelight-I remember that,” Peaches said.

“Yes, and-” Max interrupted himself. “Wait a minute! Hear that?”

Peaches cocked an ear. “What?”

“Listen.”

Then Peaches heard the sound, too. It went: “Choo-Choo-Choo!”

“We’re on our way!” Max said happily. “New York-here we come!”

William Johnston

Get Smart 3 — Get Smart Once Again!

A S THE train moved slowly out of the terminal, Max sat down in his seat and removed his shoe. “Time to check in,” he said. “The Chief will be glad to hear that we’re finally on our way.”

“Ask him if he knows of any romantic things to do,” Peaches said.

“Sorry,” Max said, dialing. “This is a business phone.”

Operator: Sorry, sir, this is impossible.

Max: Impossible, Operator? What’s impossible?

Operator: You’re calling from a compartment on a train, sir. That can’t be done.

Max: Operator, this is official business. Couldn’t you make an exception?

Operator: Well… just this once. If you promise you won’t do it again.

Max: I promise. Now, please, connect me with Control.

Operator: Yes, sir. Here is your number, sir.

Chief: Control, here.

Max: Is that you, Chief?

Chief: Da.

Max: Da, Chief?

Chief: That’s Russian for ‘yes,’ Max. I assume you’re calling from Moscow.

Max: Well, no, not exactly, Chief. We’re a little short of that mark.

Chief: From New York, then?

Max: We’re a wee bit short of that mark, too, Chief.

Chief: Miami, Florida?

Max: That’s in the other direction, Chief.

Chief: Baltimore, Maryland?

Max: You’re getting warmer, Chief. Try Washington, D.C.

Chief: Max! You haven’t even left town yet?

Max: Chief, it isn’t because we haven’t tried. We’ve tried it by plane, and we’ve tried it by car. Now, we’re trying it by train.

Chief: I see. You’re taking a train to New York. Is that right?

Max: No, Chief, the train is taking us to New York. You see, we’re in a compartment, and the train is on the tracks.

Chief: You didn’t have to tell me that. I know how a train goes.

Max (smiling smugly): How does a train go, Chief? There’s a very funny answer to that. Want to hear it?

Chief: I don’t have to hear it, Max. I know how a train goes. It goes: Choo-Choo-Choo! I can hear it over your shoe.

Operator (breaking in): So that’s how you’re doing it, is it? — talking on a shoe. I knew we didn’t have any telephones in any train compartments.

Max: All right, now you know. Will you please get off the line, Operator? This is a private conversation.

Operator: Is that your shoe or our shoe?

Max: It’s my shoe.

Chief: Sorry to dispute you, Max. But, actually, that isn’t your shoe. We lease that shoe from the Telephone Company.

Max: Maybe so. But I keep it under my bed. That should give me some rights.

Operator: It’s our shoe, so I can listen to your conversation.

Max: Chief, couldn’t you arrange to buy this shoe from the Telephone Company?

Chief: They won’t sell, Max.

Max: Why not?

Chief: They don’t want to break up a pair.

Max: Oh. Well… I can understand that.

Chief: Max, has Peaches broken the code yet?

Max: I’m afraid Peaches has lost interest in the code, Chief. Our hard-hearted Hannah has turned into a soft-headed Susie. If you know what I mean.

Chief: No, Max, I don’t know what you mean.

Operator: Me, neither.

Max: Well, folks, what I mean is, our Peaches has gone soft. She thinks we’re doomed, and she wants to live a little before she goes. Her only interest at the moment is Romance.

Operator: With a capital ‘R’? Good for her.

Chief: Well, I guess you’ll just have to make the best of it, Max. Try breaking the code yourself.

Max: I’m one step ahead of you, Chief.

Operator: In our shoe? Watch where you step in that shoe.

Max: As I was saying, Chief, I’m already at work on the code. Do you see any connection between Papa Bear and Dooms Day?

Chief: No, I don’t, Max. How did you arrive at Papa Bear?

Max: It wasn’t easy. I started with money. That gave me Goldilocks. And Goldilocks suggested Papa Bear.