William Johnston - Get Smart Once Again!

“And, now-once more-I bid you adieu,” Noman said. “Happy landing!”

“I don’t think that’s the appropriate farewell,” Max said. “We’re no longer in a plane.”

“No, but you’re standing over a trap door. The effect will be the same. I’ll just pull this lever, and-”

The trap door opened beneath Max and Peaches.

Peaches screamed.

Max reached out and snatched the Plan from Noman.

Then they disappeared beneath the floor.

Noman sighed woefully. “Will I ever learn?”

Surprisingly, Max and Peaches landed on a soft carpet. When they looked around, they found they were in what appeared to be the living room of a comfortable suburban home. Besides the wall-to-wall carpet, there were comfortable-looking sofas and chairs, lamps and tables, and a large television set. And most surprising of all, the room was occupied. A number of men were seated around the TV set, absorbed in a program.

“The only thing I can think of is, there must be a mistake,” Max said. “I think Noman used the wrong trap door.”

Peaches shook her head. “No, Max. Look at the door. It has bars on it.”

“Oh, yes, I see. Well, if I had to be in a cell, this is the cell I’d choose.” He frowned. “I wonder what those other prisoners are in for?”

“They seem happy enough,” Peaches said. “They must be drugged or something. They didn’t even look up when we dropped through the floor.”

“Let’s check it out,” Max said.

They moved to the nearest chair, where a middle-aged man was seated, hunched forward, staring at the TV screen.

“Excuse me,” Max said. “I wonder-”

“Shhhhh!” the man said, annoyed, keeping his eyes on the screen.

“I guess we’ll have to wait for a commercial,” Max said.

As they waited, they watched the program. It was a soap opera, in which the heroine, Little Eva, was being chased across an ice floe by the villain, Simon Legree, and a pack of bloodhounds.

“I think I’ve seen it before,” Max said. “As I recall, just as Simon Legree and the bloodhounds are about to catch Little Eva, a squadron of Royal Mounted Police swoop down in helicopters and-”

“Now you’ve done it,” the man in the chair grumbled. “All the suspense is gone.”

“Sorry about that,” Max said sheepishly.

“Oh, well, this is the fourth time I’ve seen this episode anyway,” the man said. “This is the morning rerun of the noon rerun of the afternoon rerun of the evening program. I caught it first in 1936 when it was on a two-inch screen.”

“Has it changed any?” Max asked.

“It’s grown about nineteen inches,” the man replied. “But otherwise it’s the same.” He looked at Max closely. “Aren’t you new here?”

“We just dropped in,” Max said. “We don’t intend to stay.”

“Too bad.”

“You like it here?” Max said, puzzled.

“Why not? Four square meals a day, comfortable chairs, and a twenty-one-inch screen. What more could a man ask for?”

“But aren’t you locked in?”

“Sure. That’s the best part. This way, we’re not tempted to wander off.”

“But don’t you miss your freedom?” Peaches said.

The man squinted at her. “You been outside lately, lady?”

“Yes. We just came in from the outside.”

“What was going on out there?”

“Well, let’s see… We nearly got driven into the Potomac River

… and we were almost in an airplane crash… and we were arrested for speeding… and…”

“In other words, a typical day,” the man said. “And you can ask me if I miss my freedom?”

“Yes, but-” Peaches thought for a second, then sat down in one of the chairs. “He’s right, Max. Have a seat.”

“You forget,” Max said. “Noman is probably on his way down here. And when he gets here, he’ll demand the Plan. Let’s not forget-the you-know-what of the entire you-know-what is hanging in the you-know-what.”

“That sounds familiar,” the man said. “You must be a Control agent.” He indicated the other men. “We were all Control agents once,” he said. “But, luckily, we were captured by Noman.” He smiled, recalling. “Oh, the many times I’ve heard that call to duty-the you-know-what of the entire you-know-what is hanging in the you-know-what. Fortunately, I don’t remember what it means any more.”

Max crooked a finger at Peaches. “I’d like to speak to you in private, please,” he said.

“I’m just getting comfortable.”

“If you don’t mind!”

Reluctantly, Peaches got up and followed Max to the other side of the room.

“I think we’re in luck,” Max said. “Right now, these men are under the spell of the TV set. But… once a Control agent, always a Control agent. I think I can revive their interest in the fate of the you-know-what. And when I do, they’ll rebel and help us break out of this cell.”

“They’d be fools to,” Peaches said. “They’ve got it made.”

“Nevertheless, instinct is stronger than security.”

“Who told you that?”

“I just made it up,” Max replied. “And now I’ll prove it.”

Max stepped to the center of the room. “Gentlemen!” he called. “May I have your attention!”

The program had paused so that the sponsor could deliver a commercial, so the men turned to Max.

“Gentlemen, my name is Max Smart. I have been sent here by Control to liberate you from the clutches of that diabolical monster, I. M. Noman.”

A voice replied. “Yeaaaa! Noman! Booooo! Smart!”

“I think you will change your minds,” Max went on, “when you learn that I have in my possession a Dooms Day Plan. As long as I keep the Plan, the world, as we know it, is safe. But — if the Plan falls into the hands of Noman, I think we can expect a pretty messy world in the near future. Consequently, I call upon you to-”

Max had lost his audience. The program was on again, and the men had turned back to it.

Max sighed. “I guess I’ll have to wait for the station break,” he said.

But at that moment Noman appeared at the bars of the cell.

“Smart!” he called. “Hand the Plan through the bars to me!”

“Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin,” Max replied.

“Smart, the cord to the television set is plugged in outside the cell. Hand me the Plan or I’ll unplug it. And when the set goes dead, these prisoners will go stark raving mad and destroy everything and everyone within reach. It’ll be a cruel way to go, Smart.”

“The key word is ‘everything,’ Noman. They’ll also destroy the Plan.”

Noman winced. “You have a point there. They’d be mad as wet hens back at Headquarters.” He sighed. “I’ll just have to come in and get it.”

“This is our chance,” Max said to Peaches. “When he opens the cell door, we’ll rush him.”

But Noman first pulled out a pistol, then opened the cell door.

“Scratch that,” Max said to Peaches. “We’ll have to play it by ear.”

Just then the program ended, and the between programs commercial came on. Noman took advantage of the situation.

“Prisoners,” he said. “You have an enemy in your midst.”

The men turned toward Max and Peaches, showing their teeth.

“That piece of paper that Smart is holding,” Noman said. “It’s next week’s program schedule. Get it!”

The men rushed at Max.

But Max wadded the Plan into a ball and tossed it across the room to Peaches. “Run!”

Peaches caught the ball-but found herself hemmed in by another group of men. She tossed it to Max.

Max caught it, and started to throw it back. But just then he was struck on the arm by one of the men.

“Foul!” Max cried.