William Johnston - Get Smart Once Again!

“Conflagration, officer?”

“That’s college talk for ‘fire’,” the trooper explained. “I’m one of the new breed of police officers-college educated.”

“Oh. Well, actually, there isn’t any fire. That is, not that I know of. Although, considering the number of little boys who play with matches, I suppose there must be a fire somewhere.”

“I’ll have to take you in,” the trooper said.

“What’s the charge, officer?”

“Speeding.”

“Well then, I’m afraid I’ll have to take you in, too, officer,” Max said. “You were driving as fast-if not faster-than I was. Faster, I believe. See? Your car is parked ahead of mine, so you must have been driving faster. I’ll have to make a citizen’s arrest.”

The trooper smiled. “That’s only fair,” he said. “Who’ll lead?”

“Lead?”

“We’ll have to drive to the courthouse in the nearest town and face the judge,” the trooper explained. “I could lead, or you could lead. As long as we both get there, the judge won’t mind.”

“I don’t believe I know the way,” Max said.

“Then I’ll lead. Follow me.”

Max started to get out of his car.

“No,” the trooper said, “I mean follow me in your car. I’ll be in my car.”

“Lucky you went to college,” Max said. “Otherwise, I might have had a long walk ahead of me.”

The trooper returned to his car, got in, then proceeded along the highway. Max and Peaches followed in their car.

“Wasn’t there something familiar about that trooper?” Peaches said.

“As a matter of fact, yes. He reminds me a little of Harry Hagedorn, a boy I knew in seventh grade. Except that Harry was much shorter. Of course, he was only thirteen at the time.”

“No, I mean someone we’ve met recently.”

“The girl at the rent-a-car desk?”

Peaches shook her head.

“Beats me,” Max said. “Maybe it will come to you.”

They entered a small town. The streets were totally deserted. The buildings looked extremely temporary-as if they might consist only of false fronts.

“These picturesque small towns fascinate me,” Max said. “This one looks almost like a movie set-as if it were put up for some special purpose and would be torn down tomorrow.”

“It does look unlived in,” Peaches frowned.

“Ahh… here we are,” Max said, pulling up behind the trooper’s car, which had stopped.

Max and Peaches got out, and joined the trooper, who was waiting.

“The courthouse is just up the street a ways,” the trooper said.

“A ways?”

“I talk that rustic talk when I stop in these small towns,” the trooper explained. “Let ’em know you have a college education, and you’re dead.”

“Yes, I suppose so. Well, lead the ways.”

They marched up the street.

“Isn’t it strange that none of the natives are out on the street?” Peaches said.

“Not really,” Max replied. “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun. There probably isn’t a mad dog or Englishman in the whole town.”

“None of the stores seem to be open. In fact, I don’t think they’ve ever been open.”

Max stopped and rubbed a clean spot on the dusty window of a store. He saw the face of Agent 44 peering out at him from inside. Max nodded, then moved on.

“I’m worried,” Peaches said.

“Relax,” Max said. “We have at least one friend in this town.”

“Who?”

“You wouldn’t believe it.”

The trooper stopped in front of a dilapidated building. “This is it,” he said. “It’s not much, but it’s fine for collecting fines.”

“Fine,” Max replied.

They entered the building, then the trooper led them into a small courtroom.

“The judge is probably in the back room,” the trooper said. “I’ll get him.”

“Don’t try to sneak away,” Max said. “Remember-you’re under arrest.”

“Promise.”

The trooper disappeared into the back room. “Max, I’m getting worrieder and worrieder,” Peaches said.

“I don’t see why. Speaking as our lawyer, I’m sure I can get us off. Our arrest, as I see it, is clearly unconstitutional. It violates our freedom of speedsh.” He smiled. “Get it?”

“Where do I get another lawyer?”

“Never fear. With me-”

Max was interrupted by the sound of the door of the back room opening. The judge appeared. He was plump, and looked like a typical small town judge.

“Your Honor, first I want to say that this is a travesty of justice,” Max said. “Next, I’d like to say: Where is the trooper who arrested us?”

“He left by the back door,” the judge replied. “He’s got to get back to the highway and catch himself another city slicker.”

“But that man was under arrest!” Max protested. “I caught him speeding!”

“He told me all about it,” the judge said, seating himself at his bench. “I tossed the case out of court and released him. You were violating his constitutional right of freedom of the press.”

“I don’t quite understand that, Judge.”

“His freedom to press charges against you,” the judge explained.

“Oh. Well, in that case…”

“Now, we’ll get to your case,” the Judge said. “How do you plead?”

“What’s the choice?” Max asked.

“Guilty or Not Guilty or Somewhere-in-Between,”

“How about a little sample of each?” Max suggested.

“The Court finds you guilty,” the Judge said. “Do you have a statement to make before sentence is passed? Too late. You had your chance and muffed it. Now, I’ll pass sentence.”

“That wasn’t much of a chance, Judge,” Max complained. “And I had a dandy statement all ready, too.”

“Sorry about that,” the Judge said. “Rise, please, so I can pass sentence.”

“We’re already standing, Judge.”

“I thought you looked pretty tall for a pair who were sitting down.”

“Judge, if you don’t mind, would you get it over with?” Max said. “We have other fish to fry.”

The Judge cleared his throat, then said, “I sentence you to hand over the Dooms Day Plan.”

“Max!” Peaches squealed. “It just came to me-that’s Noman!”

“That’s hard to believe,” Max said.

The Judge pulled a pistol and pointed it at Max. “Would you believe this?”

Max nodded. “That, I believe. Noman, I’ll have to give you credit-you’ve done it again. You’re a worthy adversary.”

“Stow the gab and hand over the Plan,” Noman said.

“Not likely,” Max replied. “Before I’d hand over the Plan to you, I’d burn it.”

“With the same life raft you used to burn it last time?” Noman smirked.

“Max Smart never makes the same mistake twice,” Max said. He took his ballpoint pen from his pocket. “This pen, among other things, happens to be an acetylene torch,” he said. “I’ll just depress the button on the top and-”

There was the sound of a small motor.

“That’s the hair-dryer again, Max,” Peaches said.

“Well, if at first you don’t succeed-” Max depressed the button again.

Noman leaned forward over the bench, looking puzzled. “What are you going to do with one chopstick?”

“Let’s not panic,” Max said. “There’s an acetylene torch in there somewhere.”

“You’re not operating the pen correctly,” Noman said. “You should use both hands. Here, let me take that sheet of paper you’re holding in your left hand-just to get it out of your way.”

“That might help,” Max said. He handed the sheet of paper to Noman.

“Max! You gave him the Plan!” Peaches shrieked.

“No, I didn’t. I gave him- Oh, yes… that is the Plan, isn’t it. Well, I guess that’s a horse on me.”