William Johnston - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“Max, that window has bars on it,” 99 pointed out.

“You’re right, 99. Back the other way.”

They whipped around and ran in the other direction. But not far. Two feet later they crashed into the closed and locked cell door. On the other side, facing them, was Arbuthnot.

“Max! What happened!” 99 wailed.

“Evidently we took a left when we should have taken a right,” Max replied. “It could happen to anybody, 99. I’ve never jogged in this town before.” He looked puzzledly at Arbuthnot. “But how did you know you’d find us here?” he asked.

“It had to happen,” Arbuthnot replied. “When I saw you jogging through the watering trough, I said to myself, ‘Anybody with a brain like that, he’s going to trap himself in a cell over in the jail house.’ So, I just trotted over here, and here you were.”

“You have a very frank way of putting things,” Max told him. “You’d make somebody a terrible wife.”

“I’m sorry I can’t stay,” Arbuthnot said, leaving. “But old jails are usually crawling with germs.” He went out the doorway, then closed the door behind him.

“Locked in with all these germs,” Max muttered.

99 went back to the window. “I can see the hotel from here, Max,” she reported. “There’s Arbuthnot. He’s going inside.”

“99. .”

She turned toward him. “Yes, Max?”

Max pointed to the cot, the only item of furniture in the cell. “It just moved,” he said.

“Max. . you’re imagining. .”

“I tell you, it just- See that! It did it again!”

“Yes! I saw it, too!” 99 said, staring wide-eyed at the cot. “Max, do you think the cell is haunt-” She suddenly brightened. “Max, of course! It’s probably the old prospector! We can’t see him because he’s disappeared! But he’s here! He’s here with us!”

“A lot of good that does,” Max said.

“I guess you’re right,” 99 agreed gloomily. She went back to the window. “Look, Max,” she said. “One of the KAOS assassins just came out of the hotel and he’s carrying a tray of food and heading this way.”

Max joined her at the window. “Arbuthnot probably sent him to feed us,” he said. “We wouldn’t be very valuable as hostages if we starved to death. Listen, 99, when that assassin gets here, let’s try to lure him into the cell. Then we can overpower him and escape.”

“We can try,” 99 said. “He probably won’t even speak to us, though.”

“99, don’t judge all KAOS assassins by Arbuthnot,” Max said reprovingly. “That’s not fair. Frankly, in general, I’ve found most KAOS assassins to be genial, friendly, polite and genuinely interested in other people’s welfare-assuming, of course, that those other people aren’t marked for assassination.”

“Maybe so, Max, but-”

At that moment, the jail door opened, and the KAOS assassin, a young, blond, smiling young man, entered, carrying a tray of food. “Hi y’all,” he grinned, moving to the cell door. “The boss man told me to tote you over some victuals. He figures you must have a powerful hunger by now.” He frowned, looking into the cell. “Why, that’s a terrible place in there,” he said. “You got no carpet on the floor, the whole shebang needs a new coat of paint, that window hasn’t got nary a curtain on it, and that-” He shook his head in sorrow. “It’s too terrible even to talk about. Say, how’d you like to have some new furnishings? Maybe a couple nice comfy overstuffed chairs and some nice reading lamps and-” He got a key from his pocket. “Hold it a minute-I’ll come in there, and we’ll plan on what we can do to redecorate the place.”

“See how nice they can be,” Max said to 99, as the KAOS assassin opened the door and then entered the cell. “Now, aren’t you ashamed of yourself for thinking what you were thinking?”

“I suppose so, Max,” 99 nodded. Then she whispered, “Don’t forget. . we’re going to over-”

“If you’ll just step aside there, ma’am,” the assassin said to 99, interrupting her, “I’ll put this tray down on that cot, then we can put our minds to what we’re going to do to dandy this li’l ol’ cell up a bit.” He pointed to the area behind Max. “Now, that whole wall has just got to come out!” he said. “Why, there’s not enough room in here to thread a needle. We’ll join that cell next door with this cell, and then we’ll build both up and down. I mean, the roof is just crying out for a couple dormers. We can get two bedrooms up there. And a recreation room in the basement, of course.” He pointed in another direction. “That window is almost down on its knees, pleading for organdy,” he said. “Can’t you just see it?”

“Now, just a minute!” Max said crisply. “I’ll go along with the two bedrooms and the rec room. But you’ll put organdy on that window over my dead body!”

The young KAOS assassin drew a pistol. “Now, you’re talking my language,” he said.

“Organdy on the window.”

“Max!” 99 whispered. “Overpower!”

“99 is right,” Max said to the KAOS assassin, “organdy would be too overpowering. Even if you doubled the space by knocking out that wall and joining the two cells. But, what we could do-” He motioned to 99. “99, will you step back, please- What we could do,” he continued, addressing the young man again, “is knock out this front wall, too, and add what is now the jail house office to the cell. That would give us depth, you see, in addition to width.”

The young man was shaking his head. “Guests would walk right into the cell,” he said. “You don’t want that. Did you see all that dust out there? What do you think it turns to when it rains?” He shuddered. “Mud! A sea of mud! You want that gooey, slimy, dirty old mud tracked in here?”

“You’re right,” Max said, pained.

“With organdy curtains, though, nobody might notice the mud,” the young man said. “That’s the choice, as I see it-it’s either bare windows with, or organdy windows without, or a combination of the both. You think about it. And when I come back with your lunch, you tell me what you decided.”

“Fine, line, that sounds fair,” Max said. “I only hope-”

“Max!” 99 said grimly. “The plan!”

“It’s too soon for a plan, 99. We don’t know yet whether we want the windows bare or with- Oh! Oh, that plan!” He turned back to the young KAOS assassin. “Don’t rush off,” he said. “Why don’t you put down your pistol and rest a while. That’s hard work carrying that tray across the street from the hotel. Stay and have breakfast with us.”

“Say, that’s neighborly of you,” the young man smiled. “I already et once, but I guess another-” He was staring baffledly at the tray. “Where’d the food go?” he asked.

Max and 99 peered at the tray, too. The dishes were now completely empty.

“We must have mice,” Max said.

“No mice et all that!” the young man said. He looked around suspiciously. “Who else is in here? You got a stowaway in this cell?”

“Now, does that make sense?” Max replied. “Why would anybody stow away in this cell? It isn’t going anyplace.”

“Yeah. . I guess you’re right about that,” the young assassin said. “Well. . maybe it was a mice that et that food. I don’t know. . I don’t like the looks of it, though.”

“All right, then, sit down and we’ll talk it out and try to find an explanation that suits you,” Max said. “Sit right there on the edge of the cot with your back to us and-”

The young man backed toward the cell door. “No, I got to be going,” he said. “We’re having our seminar meeting over to the bank today, and I don’t want to miss any of it. Arbuthnot’s going to coach us on combining safe-cracking and assassinating all in one. If you don’t know just how, you can get yourself into some bad trouble. We had a fellow in KAOS once who tried it and what he did was, he locked his victim in the safe instead of assassinating him and then he couldn’t crack the safe to get in and get at him. He got so frustrated they finally had to send him to a rest farm.”